


A Journey of a Jerry, from 2001 to 2020

by CloudintheMoonlight



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, M/M, Slow Burn, yehyuk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:08:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 49,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25691830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudintheMoonlight/pseuds/CloudintheMoonlight
Summary: Snippets of moments along Hyukjae's life, as he comes to terms with his feelings towards the person he calls his Tom.
Relationships: Kim Jongwoon | Yesung/Lee Hyukjae | Eunhyuk
Comments: 282
Kudos: 208





	1. Prologue: July 2020

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sujuseries (Mythicalseries)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mythicalseries/gifts), [LadyAllana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyAllana/gifts).



> Inspired by and dedicated to Sujuseries (Mythicalseries) and LadyAllana. I love everything you guys write.
> 
> The characters and some of the scenarios in the story are real, the story itself is not. This is pure imagination, and definitely not meant to offend any of the people mentioned.
> 
> Almost every chapter will be based on a real event or a video, so I'll be adding links to them in the notes of some of the chapters to provide background information. Please don't take any of them as "proof".

First rays of the morning sun sneak in through the window, painting the small room in a warm, golden glow. The trees outside the window sway in a gentle breeze, and the sunlight filtering through the branches and the delicate lacy curtains cast moving patterns of light and shadow on the skin of the man still fast asleep on the bed.

He has company, but he doesn’t know it yet. The person sitting next to him on the edge of the bed watches him silently, enjoying the moment of calmness and quiet surrounding them, listening to the soft breathing of the man lying on his stomach in front of him.

He lets out a fond little chuckle as the sunlight tickles the sleeping man’s face, making him scrunch his nose and stir from his slumber. The soft sound finally wakes him up. He blinks and squints his eyes at the man next to him, initially confused. Then his face breaks into a wide, delighted smile.

“Hyukjae!” His voice is husky from sleep. “How are you here already? I though you wouldn’t get here before midday.”

“Morning, handsome,” Hyukjae smiles back and leans over, pushes the strands of dark sandy hair off the man’s brow and presses his lips against his temple. “Did you miss me?”

“Aish, stop making fun of me. I know I look a right mess in the morning.”

“I’m not making fun of you. You look ravishing,” he smirks and tangles his fingers in the short hair at the man’s nape. “They don’t call you Yesex for nothing.”

Jongwoon buries his face in the pillows with a groan. Hyukjae drapes himself on his back and sneaks his arms around his shoulders, nuzzling him. “You didn’t answer me. Did you miss me?”

“Yes.” It comes out muffled against the pillow. Hyukjae laughs at the begrudging tone and hides his face in the crook of Jongwoon’s neck. The man turns his head a bit and peeks at him with one eye. “You didn’t answer me either. What are you doing here already?”

“We finished shooting earlier than expected last night so I took a short nap and drove over. Kwanghee says hi, by the way. Your eomma let me in, I bumped into her as she was taking the dogs outside for a morning wee.”

Jongwoon raises his eyebrows. 

“You told Kwanghee where you’re going?”

“He sort of guessed. He’d seen you posting the pictures on SNS earlier and when I told him where I was heading to, he just said: ‘Ah, isn’t Yesung-ssi holidaying there with his family right now?’ I was mortified but he just laughed and said he’d been suspecting something since the time KRY visited our show. Apparently, I haven’t been able to shut up about you for a good couple of months now.” A frown. “He says I’ve been bringing you up at most random times in our conversations,” he adds, affronted by the accusation.

“Ah, imagine that. You would never,” Jongwoon remarks, amused.

“Yah!” Hyukjae cuffs him playfully on the head and gets a giggle in return. Jongwoon turns in his arms and smiles up at him contently.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” Hyukjae smiles back. He then gives in to temptation and swoops down, his lips engaging Jongwoon’s in a leisurely kiss that has them both sighing in pleasure.

“Mmm,” Jongwoon hums, satisfied, as they finally break apart for air. “Yummy.” His tongue comes out to sweep against Hyukjae’s upper lip. 

Hyukjae lets out a shaky breath, heat pooling in his lower abdomen.

“This is probably not a good idea. Your appa is making breakfast right outside that door.”

“True,” Jongwoon pouts and leans back a little to give him an appraising look. There’s a fire burning inside the dark eyes. Hyukjae’s skin tingles. “Pity.”

He rolls himself from underneath Hyukjae and out of the bed. Standing tall next to him, he bites his lower lip, lets his hand travel slowly over his own naked abs and gives Hyukjae another scorching look. “… Pity,” he repeats and turns around to walk away, but before he has taken more than two steps, Hyukjae’s legs wrap around his thighs from behind, tugging him backwards, and he’s sent flying on the bed, back colliding with Hyukjae’s chest, the man’s arms instantly wrapping around his upper body.

“Screw it,” Hyukjae whispers against his ear, hot and breathless. “I haven’t seen you or touched you in days. I don’t think I can wait any longer.” And he bites down on his shoulder. A shocked little gasp escapes from Jongwoon and he turns himself over, pushes Hyukjae into the mattress and attacks his lips with the fervent hunger of a starving man finally presented with a feast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Comments and feedback are very much appreciated.


	2. 2001

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lee Hyukjae, 15, meets Kim Jongwoon, almost 17. With the tons of life experience he has under his belt (not) and his unprejudiced mind (not), he comes to the conclusion that this hyung is someone he'll definitely never like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the first chapter provided just a glimpse into what their lives will eventually become. But how did Eunhyuk and Yesung get to that point?  
> I wanted to get the real storyline underway, so I decided to post the second chapter right after the first one.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Inspiration for this chapter:  
> Eunhyuk talking about his first impression on Yesung: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgnGxLbI9vI  
> and the two of them talking about their past: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCyrZe7XLj8

The first time he meets Jongwoon, Hyukjae takes one look at him and promptly decides he definitely isn't his type.

He peers through the glass door into one of the dance studios and sees a row of new trainees sitting on the floor, backs against the wall, listening intently to what the dance teacher standing in front of them is currently saying. Hyukjae takes a moment to watch their faces, revelling in their anticipation and nervous energy, before he pushes the door open and walks in with all the confidence and superiority of a senior trainee with one year of experience already under his belt.

“Ah, Hyukjae, come on in. Great timing, we are quite ready to start here.”

The teacher smiles at him, gestures him to come to the front.

“Everyone, this is Lee Hyukjae, one of your sunbaes here at SM. During his time with us, he has already developed himself quite a reputation as a skilful dancer. So, I've asked him to come and help with our class for a bit today.”

Hyukjae preens under their admiring gazes.

“Hyukjae has prepared a little dance routine demonstration for you. After that, you all shall be practising the same routine while we monitor your performances. Hyukjae and I shall be going around giving you some personal feedback on the points you'll need to improve on. All right? Is everybody ready? Good. Hyukjae, the floor is all yours.”

***

The air smells of sweat and a mixture of cheap deodorants. All around him, teenagers are flailing their awkwardly proportioned limbs and swaying their lanky bodies, trying hopelessly to match their movement to the music. Some of them succeed, most of them not. It's tragic. Hyukjae closes his eyes with a sigh, pinches the bridge of his nose and tries not to feel too defeated. He reminds himself that this is their first lesson and a chaos was somewhat expected. They'll get better with practice. _Lots and lots of practice_ , he thinks with a hint of desperation.

When he opens his eyes, he catches some movement on his right and turns just in time to see a tallish teenager, back towards him, rolling his shoulders and arms in an exaggerated wave. Hyukjae emits an amused snort and walks around the boy to get a better look at him.

"Ahem. I don't know what you're attempting to do, but that certainly isn't part of the choreography I just showed," he quips with a hint of ridicule in his voice.

His eyes meet the boy's dark, almond shaped ones, and for a split second he feels a strange flutter inside his chest. The boy's dancing halts and his expression quickly turns embarrassed under the scrutinizing gaze. Hyukjae's eyes travel up and down the teenager standing in front of him, taking in his eccentric clothing, the curtain of black hair covering his face, the earrings and the multiple necklaces, bracelets and rings he's wearing.

_Ugh. Far too many accessories_ , he thinks and quickly comes to a conclusion that this must be someone very egocentric and appearance-oriented, and therefore not his type. _At all_.

And so, as the boy offers him a careful and hesitant smile, he just scoffs in return and turns on his heel, striding across the room to put some distance between them, pushing any flutterings he might have felt to the back of his mind.

He's pretty sure it was a quiver of immediate dislike, anyway. _He could never be friends with someone who wears so many accessories_.

***

Unfortunately for Hyukjae, his resolution to avoid the newcomer is all in vain. They're put into the same dorms, and suddenly he finds himself having to share breakfast with him every morning. He learns this Kim Jongwoon is actually his senior, and oh, boy does it annoy Hyukjae having to address him as _hyung_. He feels threatened, like he's losing his upper hand, and therefore decides to make it his mission to be as uncivil to Jongwoon as he can possibly get away with. He ignores the older boy's hurt look and furrowed eyebrows every time he throws a particularly nasty remark at him. _That's what egoistical weirdos deserve_ , he reminds himself every time he feels his resolve falter at the sight of Jongwoon's downcast eyes and slumped shoulders. Still, he's a bit thrown off by the patience and kindness his hostility is met most of the time. _Why won't he bite back_? he thinks, confused and annoyed.

On the rare occasion Jongwoon-hyung snaps back at him, Hyukjae congratulates himself on his good people reading skills. _Ha, I knew he was an idiot_ , he thinks, reassured in the justification of his own malevolence. _Definitely not someone to make friends with_.

Living together has its upsides, too. After bumping into Jongwoon coming out of the shower for the umpteenth time, Hyukjae can proudly proclaim that he's almost become immune to him. He doesn't get that shaky feeling of… _disgust?_ anymore whenever his eyes land on Jongwoon's bare chest. Still, he averts his eyes and steadfastly avoids looking at the pearls of water dripping from his wet hair onto his chest and down, down towards the v-line visible above the towel hung low on his hips.

(He had taken an eyeful once and lost his good night's sleep over it. He won't be making that same mistake again.)

***

The very first time he hears Jongwoon sing, Hyukjae is mesmerized. His heart somersaults in his chest and he's left a bit breathless, watching and listening to his hyung from the little alcove in the studio wall.

He would rather die than admit it at the time, but that exact moment makes him a secret Jongwoon fanboy for the rest of his life.

***

Jongwoon catches him in the dorms, alone, crying over his difficult family situation. Hyukjae puts down the phone, turns around – and there he is, standing by the hallway door, watching him, serious and silent. Through the fog of tears in his eyes, Hyukjae can still make out his expression and realises, dread settling in the pit of his stomach, that Jongwoon must've heard at least a bit of the conversation he just finished having with his father on the phone. He feels ashamed and tries to make a hasty exit, angry at himself for showing weakness and vulnerability. However, before he can reach the door, Jongwoon stops him by gently grabbing his arm and pulling him into a tight hug, hand on his nape, murmuring comforting words into his ear. At his reassuring touch, Hyukjae feels something crumble inside and suddenly he's clinging onto the older boy's shirt like his life depends on it. Jongwoon holds him in his embrace and doesn't let go, until Hyukjae has had a good cry against his shoulder and finally resurfaces with puffy eyes and a much calmer heart. Hyukjae hiccups his thanks and gets a soft smile in return.

“Anytime, Hyukjae-ya. You can always come to me with your troubles.”

After that, things become easier between them, more natural. Slowly but surely Jongwoon attaches himself to Hyukjae like an overly affectionate octopus and to his own surprise, Hyukjae doesn't actually mind. As their newfound friendship begins to take its first tentative steps, he finds himself deliberately seeking out the older boy's company more and more frequently. Couple of late-night talks and some sound advice later, Hyukjae realises he might've gotten the older boy's character all wrong at the start, and he has to reluctantly admit that his Jongwoon-hyung is indeed a good hyung.

Other feelings threaten to arise along this revelation, too, but he's far too scared to even give them a name, so he buries them deep within himself and decides to never let them see sunlight again.


	3. 2003

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One doesn't always notice everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since these next three chapters are short and mainly descriptive, I'm going to post them all in one go.
> 
> This chapter is inspired by the talk between Yesung and Eunhyuk on We Lived Together (53:15 onwards): https://ok.ru/video/1198027704832

Grey clouds gather in the sky and first drops of impending rain dapple the asphalt underneath their feet. They run, holding their jackets on top of their heads, laughing and slightly out of breath. They make it underneath the roof of a station exit just in time before a sudden downpour drenches the street and all the unfortunate people still out there in the open, haphazardly seeking cover anywhere they can.

They smile at each other, eyes shining in the dim light.

“Hyung, I’m hungry. Let’s go eat something. We have to wait for the rain to stop anyway before we can head back home.”

Jongwoon’s smile falters a little, but Hyukjae doesn’t notice. He’s already too busy dragging his hyung down the steps towards the cafes and little restaurants in the bus terminal underpass.

Hyukjae orders a big bowl of ramen soup, ravenous after a full day of exhausting practice. He doesn’t notice his companion not ordering anything until they find a vacant table and Jongwoon sits down next to him, empty handed.

“Hyung, why are you not eating?”

“Because I’m full.”

“How can you be, we haven’t had a bite to eat the whole day?”

Jongwoon just shakes his head a little, gives him the tiniest of smiles.

“I had something earlier. I’m okay. I’ll just keep you company.”

Hyukjae stares at him, bewildered.

“At what point did you have time to- “

Jongwoon makes a dismissive gesture with his hand. “Never you mind, Hyukjae-ya. Just eat. Your noodles are getting cold.”

Hyukjae gives him one more incredulous look but decides it’s not worth an argument, and finally digs into his food.

(Fifteen years later, on the set of We Lived Together, he learns that his Yesung-hyung had been just as hungry as him that day – and completely penniless. The knowledge stirs some unknown emotion in him and has him swallowing a sudden lump in his throat.)


	4. 2007

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the set of Explorers of the Human Body, things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on this glorious little Yehyuk moment on EOHB (14:40 onwards): https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x19tfmz

Water in the swimming pool is lukewarm, smell of chlorine strong. The group members’ boisterous laughter echoes from the tiled walls. The camera crew lining the edge of the pool desperately tries to avoid getting splashes on their expensive equipment.

There are tiny droplets of water on Jongwoon-hyung’s dark lashes.

Hyukjae’s heart hammers in his chest and a nervous chuckle escapes him as he crowds into the older boy’s personal space, takes his hand underwater and uses his other hand to gingerly lift Jongwoon’s chin, letting his fingers brush his cheek ever so slightly.

It’s all over in a millisecond and Hyukjae immediately recoils, sputters, spits and rinses his lips repeatedly with the pool water.

Still, the feeling of Jongwoon’s lips touching his, tingling and featherlight, lingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was probably the shortest chapter ever >_< They'll get longer, I promise!  
> With this one, I wanted to capture the feeling of a distant memory, the kind when you can't remember everything that happened, but you have a clear recollection of some tiny details and how you felt at the time.


	5. 2010

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In other corners of the world, some things are viewed differently.

A sea of waving hands.

A mass of bodies swaying to the music, jumping up and down, their excitement palpable in the atmosphere of Staples Center, Los Angeles.

Amongst them on the front row, two men, one holding the other by the waist from behind, head resting against his shoulder.

Hyukjae notices them right away as he passes them by. Notices, but doesn’t think much of it until he’s coming back towards the main stage and sees one of them pecking the other softly on the lips, tender, loving, undisturbed. There’s no denying those two are more than just close friends.

The crowd around them doesn’t seem to pay them any mind. Only a few of them steal glimpses at them – and keep smiling. _Smiling_ at the display of affection which, were they in Korea, would be frowned upon, would be deemed disgusting.

Hyukjae’s step falters a little but he quickly regains his composure, averting his eyes. He jogs towards the rest of the members and takes his place in the formation, readying himself for the next set of moves in their routine. He glances briefly at the members on his side and sees Jongwoon looking straight towards the male couple, expression unreadable.

When he turns his head and meets Hyukjae’s gaze, the latter immediately knows his hyung has noticed the same thing as he did before. They lock eyes and for a fleeting moment, Hyukjae feels like Jongwoon is staring right into his soul, discovering there an abundance of things and secrets of which even Hyukjae himself isn’t yet fully aware of.

He shivers at the intensity and jerks his eyes away, forcing himself to calm down and concentrate on the task at hand.

But later, as he lies staring at the ceiling in the darkness of the shared hotel room, Siwon snoring softly on the second bed next to his, the sudden rush of new ideas, new possibilities, new ways of seeing and being in the world, makes him restless and confused.

He barely gets a wink of sleep that night.


	6. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyukjae faces revelations, in both literal and figurative sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by these moments:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxIGdZjoRg0  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoxHScEEQsU  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NB69J7xzIs8

“Ye-sung! Ye-sung! Ye-sung!”

The crowd is chanting the name and Hyukjae joins them, trying to fire their merriment and enthusiasm even more, guffawing at the way Jongwoon’s smile turns embarrassed as the man tries to wriggle out of the situation he’s been put into.

Modest by nature and – when it comes to showing off their assets – usually the shyest one in the group, Jongwoon shakes his head and begs the other members to leave him alone, to choose someone else instead.

But he gives in.

Kind-hearted as he is, he doesn’t want to disappoint the audience, and like he always eventually does, he gives in.

Jongwoon readies himself for the impending water attack he’s about to be subjected to, self-consciously opening some of the buttons on his shirt as he resignedly makes his way to the front. Hyukjae fills his cheeks with water and sprays it all onto Jongwoon’s head, throwing the rest of the water in his bottle over him for good measure.

He is backing up, laughing, when Jongwoon turns around, gets a sudden and rare bout of confidence and opens his shirt up all the way. Along with his soaked jacket, he pushes it off his shoulders, droplets of water falling off his hair onto the toned body.

The audience goes wild.

Hyukjae?

Hyukjae falls flat on his ass, clutching his chest in shock and blushing furiously.

***

The next morning there’s a large bruise on his bottom, but at least his mind has almost fully recovered from the humiliation of the day before.

He explains to anybody that cares to listen that it was only the water on the floor that had him slipping and falling over, it had nothing to do with… Well, there wasn’t really anything else there to cause him to lose his focus, was there? He should’ve just been more careful, right? He didn’t watch where he was going, and Yesung-hyung’s little display definitely didn’t-

“Yeah, we get it! Why are you so hung up on this anyway?” Kyuhyun snaps, irritated by the continuous babble. “I don’t think anybody cares, hyung.”

That finally shuts him up. They sit in silence and wait for the rest of the members to gather in the hotel lobby as their manager rushes in and out, in and back out of the revolving door, continuously checking on the arrival of their transport to the Taipei arena. Next to them, Donghae lounges on an armchair and bobs his head to the music, oblivious to the world. (Already bored by the time Hyukjae had tried to explain yesterday’s incident for the second time, he had briskly pushed the earbuds of his iPod in, effectively shutting his voice out.)

When Jongwoon emerges from the lift, chattering jovially with Zhoumi and dragging a tired-looking Ryeowook behind, Hyukjae can’t quite meet his eye.

On the minibus on their way to the venue, he spends his time studying the back of Jongwoon’s head, watching the way the sunshine glistens on the jet-black strands.

***

In the middle of the show, he gets a second shock in the span of mere two days, because Jongwoon does it again – and this time, it seems deliberate. He catches Hyukjae’s eye, holds his gaze and opens his shirt, revealing a tantalizing piece of smooth, flawless skin.

Hyukjae’s heartrate picks up and he lets out a surprised chortle. Just the fact that Jongwoon is voluntarily showing off his body is astounding in itself, but there’s something else, too.

It feels like he’s being flirted with.

If he didn’t know better, he would say Jongwoon is actually _teasing_ him.

He knows this can’t be, because he’s Hyukjae and this is Jongwoon-hyung and there’s no possibility, _not in a million years could there be a possibility that he_ -

Hyukjae shakes his head and stops his train of thought before it has even had time to fully manifest itself, because no, he’s not going to go down this forbidden road and make a fool of himself again.

He’s not going to spend even one more sleepless night thinking about the way Jongwoon often smiles at him, private and warm, or how his touch sometimes seems to linger just a fraction longer than is strictly necessary.

He’s not going to be delusional and trick himself into believing that Jongwoon’s voice might get the tiniest bit softer whenever he’s uttering Hyukjae’s name.

He’s not going to let that flickering, stupid, ever persistent _hope_ to raise its head and throw him off balance by whispering futile _what ifs_ and _maybes_ into his ear.

It’s all in his mind, and he’s going to ignore it. 

After all, that’s what he’s been doing for years now. 

(Still, he can’t help sidling up to Jongwoon, show after show, and allowing himself, just for a fleeting moment, the luxury of looking and admiring the hyung that – he keeps telling himself this is the only reason – he looks up to in so many ways.) 

*** 

Weeks pass. 

The sleepless nights continue. 

He tosses and turns, thinks, gets frustrated, thinks some more. 

Whenever he’s able to catch some sleep, there are dreams. Some days, he wakes up with a dull ache in his chest, pining for something unattainable. Other mornings, he has to jump into a freezing cold shower straight away and disappear from Jongwoon’s sight for the rest of the day, flustered and very much ashamed of himself. 

Eventually, there comes a point when he grows tired of his own self-deception. 

He realises the inconvenient thoughts will not budge, no matter how hard he tries to push them away. 

And he finally acknowledges he needs to stop kidding himself about the way Jongwoon makes him feel. 

*** 

He’s 26 now. 

Old enough to know his mind. 

Old enough to gather his courage and take a long, hard look at the deepest, darkest secrets inside his heart, mull them over and face them at least with a certain degree of acceptance. 

He knows he likes women, at least most of the time. He’s had girlfriends, after all, and he’s found them attractive, of course he has. (Never mind the sorry affairs his relationships have been so far.) 

But. 

Despite him trying to ignore it until now, there’s always a _but_. 

Mind occupied, Hyukjae crouches under a pole, weaves between the scaffolding supporting the stage in Tokyo Dome and comes to a halt next to their stage director and his assistants, huddled around a monitor. He bends closer and focuses on the flashing screen showing a solitary figure on a ledge of the stage. 

He’s 26 now, and as he watches Jongwoon standing in the spotlight, looking like a dark angel with his legs apart and all-black clothing licking his skin, gorgeous and irresistibly, undeniably sexy, he finally fully admits to himself for the first time in his life that besides women, 

there’s at least this one man in the world he really, really wants. 

*** 

He doesn’t act on his revelation. 

How could he, when there’s a high chance it would ruin everything they already have? There’s no way Hyukjae would risk losing Jongwoon’s friendship. 

_What a shame_ , he thinks longingly and watches Jongwoon’s eyes turn into happy crescents as the man laughs at their maknaes’ antics, _it's such a shame, that you can never know_.


	7. 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by two videos from Super Junior's 100th concert,  
> this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gxj92r1JbLI  
> and this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUc79eZHRb8  
> and a bunch of clips of Eunhyuk imitating Yesung in the concerts during the latter's enlistment.

Outside, a mild breeze is twirling the autumn leaves in the cooling September evening air.

Inside the arena, it’s warm and humid. Beads of sweat gather on the group members’ faces long before they’ve even finished the first half of the show.

When the fan surprise for Super Junior’s 100th concert is revealed, Hyukjae wishes he could pass his tears as sweat, too, but the fact that he’s full on ugly crying in front of thousands of people makes it impossible to do so. His mother and friends are in the audience, there’s a giant cake sitting in front of him, Ryeowook and Siwon are trying their best to console and calm him down – and he just can’t stop weeping.

It’s out of happiness, mostly, but there’s also a great deal of relief mixed into it.

Relief that Teukkie-hyung is finally back from his military service, reclaiming his position as the leader.

That they’ve made it this far, that their fans still love them after all this time.

That he didn’t ruin everything during the time he was in charge.

***

Jongwoon is there somewhere, too, amongst the blue lightsticks glowing in the darkness.

Hyukjae hopes they’ve made him proud.

Inexplicable happiness bubbles inside him as his thoughts fly back to the bustling green room before the concert, to the moment he had lifted his eyes in order to look for his stylist, only to have them land on Jongwoon instead: standing by the door, patting overjoyed Heechul on the back, eyes twinkling at him over their hyung’s shoulder.

Hyukjae’s heart had jumped in joy.

***

Due to Jongwoon’s enlistment and the tour whisking the rest of them away for a trip around the world, they haven’t been able to see each other sometimes for months on end. During the past year and a half, Hyukjae has learned to treasure every single moment they’re allowed to be together.

It’s been _weird_ , not having him present constantly. Before their forced separation, Hyukjae hadn’t even fully understood the significance he’s come to regard Jongwoon with in his everyday life. Admittedly, not seeing the man as often as usual has made the efforts of hiding his problematic feelings a little bit easier – but most of the time, being apart from him has been a misery, a secret weight squeezing his heart.

Hyukjae can’t tell the number of occasions he’s been anticipating Jongwoon’s upcoming part in a song, only to remember half a second later that his voice, of course, shall not be joining everybody else’s that time, either. (The others – especially the maknaes – have done a good job covering for him, but it still doesn’t stop the sudden sinking feeling in Hyukjae’s stomach whenever this happens.)

He's also already lost count of the times he’s seen something interesting during their travels and turned to point it out with an excited exclamation of “Whoa! Yesung!”, just to realise belatedly that the hyung he’d wanted to share the new experience with is actually thousands of kilometres away.

There’s also been some moments when the pressure has felt almost overwhelming, and all he has wanted to do is to go to his kindest, most trusted hyung, lean his head against his shoulder and have his burdens unloaded by his soothing words and gently bestowed, honest encouragement.

And so it’s him, it’s Jongwoon’s presence Hyukjae thinks about when he tells the E.L.F.s, still teary-eyed, that because everyone is there, 

because _all_ the members are there tonight,

he’s so very, very happy.

***

After the show has finished and he has taken a much needed shower, Hyukjae follows Jongwoon and Kangin’s laughter and finds them chatting with three members of their staff in one of the rooms backstage. Feeling satisfied, yet emotionally and physically worn out by another successful performance, he saunters in and plops down onto the couch next to Jongwoon.

His sigh of relief turns into an “oof!”, as he is immediately tackled down and slapped on the head.

“Yah, Lee Hyukjae!” Jongwoon restrains him by laying himself on top and taking hold of his arms.

“What, what?!” he asks, wide-eyed.

“I have a bone to pick with you, you brat! I’ve been told you keep mocking and making fun of me in my absence during the shows.” He shakes Hyukjae a bit.

Hyukjae’s alarm quickly turns into smugness. He smirks. “Who, me? Nooo. You’re mistaken, hyung!”

“How can I be mistaken, I witnessed it myself tonight, you little shit!” His tone is irritated, but there’s laughter in his eyes.

“He only does it because he misses you, hyung,” Kangin teases. He is watching the scene in front of him unfold with an amused smile, his expression mirrored on the faces of the staff members sitting close by.

“No, I don’t!” Hyukjae denies vehemently, struggling half-heartedly against Jongwoon. “I’m glad I don’t have to see his ugly face all the time!”

“Yah!” That earns him another light slap. “No need to be so rude.” Jongwoon glares at him, feigning annoyance, and releases the hold on one of his arms to tickle him on the side. Hyukjae gives an undignified squeak and squirms in order to avoid his fingers. He uses his newly freed hand to counter-attack as well as he can.

By the time the tussle is finished and they eventually quiet down, they’re both panting and laughing with flushed faces, they’ve fallen off the couch, and Hyukjae has managed to flip their positions. He sits on Jongwoon’s hips and grins triumphantly at him.

“Eww, my shirt is damp! Why did you have to rub your wet hair all over it?” Jongwoon complains.

“You can only blame yourself. Who told you to attack me in the first place?”

“Oh, shut up.” Jongwoon’s eyes are sparkling and Hyukjae can feel his body relaxing underneath his. “Good show, by the way. Not this one,” he adds jokingly and waves his hand between them, “the actual show.”

“Thanks.” Pleased, Hyukjae smiles at the man pinned beneath him. Then his brain finally starts to register the situation they’ve put themselves into, and all at once, he becomes very aware of their proximity and the way a small, warm hand comes to rest against his thigh. Forgetting his surroundings, Hyukjae watches in fascination as Jongwoon blinks rapidly, lips parting, something shifting in the depths of his eyes. He feels rather than hears the tiny gasp Jongwoon releases when he hesitantly lays his palm on his hyung’s chest.

He prays Jongwoon isn’t able to notice the sudden wild heartbeat against the fingers still loosely wrapped around his wrist.

A wolf whistle startles them both.

“Hey, get a roo-” Kangin’s jest is cut short as Hyukjae’s mother unexpectedly pokes her head through the door. The men on the floor freeze on the spot, heads snapping towards her. They quickly push away from each other and Hyukjae is grateful for the slightly longer hair covering his ears, because with the way the tips are burning, they must be flaming red.

“Ah, not again. I thought you two had grown too old for this already. You are just like Tom and Jerry sometimes,” she sighs and steps in, shaking her head at them good-naturedly as they clamber up, both looking abashed. Jongwoon clears his throat and awkwardly smooths his hair.

“I just came to tell my car is here, Hyukjae. Appa and I’ll see you next weekend. The show was great, everyone, good job! You worked hard.” She nods approvingly at Kangin and the staff and smiles at Jongwoon. “Yesung dear, it was lovely to see you after such a long time.”

“Likewise,” Jongwoon replies, beaming despite his embarrassment.

“I hope to see you up on the stage with everybody soon. How many months have you got left?”

“Just over seven. I’ll be discharged in May.”

“Half a year still? Oh my. Well, be sure to take care of yourself in the meantime. Come and visit us, if you can. I’ll cook something. I’m sure our Hyukjae wouldn’t mind bringing you with him, he’s been missing you a lot.”

“Eomma!”

Kangin snorts loudly at Hyukjae’s horrified outburst. Jongwoon ignores them both and gives her a warm smile. “I don’t think that’s quite true, but thank you for the invitation, anyway. I’ll come for sure, if I only can.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it. Your brother is more than welcome, too. All right, I’m off. Hyukjae, come and give your eomma a kiss.” Her son obeys begrudgingly, and she walks to the door. “Bye then!” She gives a little wave, wraps her cardigan more tightly around herself and turns to Hyukjae and Jongwoon one last time. “At least _try_ to behave yourselves. Really, sometimes I think you are still teenagers and not two adults nearing their thirties…” 

The rest of her sentence becomes inaudible as she disappears through the door, leaving a pair of very sheepish looking men and a bunch of delightedly sniggering people behind.


	8. 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Hyukjae's turn to leave for a military service.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by Eunhyuk visiting KRY's concert: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8nXqM0LGlI  
> Yesung making an appearance in D&E's: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5GgD6YgOOA  
> and Yesung hosting a farewell party at MouseRabbit: http://malaysiaelf.weebly.com/news/tvxq-super-junior-shinee-and-exo-members-gathered-together-to-bid-eunhyuk-farewell-before-enlisting

A group of men pushes out of a door, their hollering and laughter filling the empty street. Car doors are being slammed, loud and cheery goodbyes and well-wishes bounce off the building walls. A shout of “Changmin, wait for us!” rings in the air.

When the ruckus at last dies down, two people are left standing alone by the door, observing each other in the quietness of the café’s hall.

“This is a bit depressing, isn’t it?” Jongwoon asks ruefully. “I just came back six months ago and already we’re saying goodbye again. Although knowing you,” he smiles wryly, “you’ll just be glad to get away from me.”

Hyukjae shakes his head, oddly serious. “No, hyung.” He looks Jongwoon straight in the eye. “Thank you for everything. You know, for arranging all of this.” His sweeping gesture seems to encompass the entirety of MouseRabbit and the street outside. “And thanks for coming to our last concert, too. Meant a lot.”

“Of course. I’m just glad I could make it on time. I was worried my shooting would take too long and I’d miss your slot. But it was quite humiliating to come up on the stage with my ordinary clothes and a bare face,” he says, cringing.

“Oh no, that was really cute!” Hyukjae assures him quickly, causing Jongwoon’s eyes to flick up towards his face in a searching look.

“Right.” He purses his lips and lowers his head, unconvinced.

“Right,” Hyukjae parrots, coughing in order to cover up his embarrassment.

Jongwoon draws breath. “Anyway. You took the trouble of coming to the KRY concert in August, the least I could do was to visit your and Donghae’s.”

“It was your birthday special, hyung. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” he confesses, the thought of their imminent parting looming over him and (together with the nip of soju he’d consumed earlier) making him lose some of his inhibition. Jongwoon’s answering smile and softening eyes make his skin prickle pleasantly. The older man opens his arms in a silent invitation and Hyukjae easily complies, stepping into his embrace – and then, they’re clinging onto each other.

Hyukjae’s hands are grasping the back of Jongwoon’s yellow jumper, pulling him as close as possible. Jongwoon’s arms are around his neck, holding him tightly. He presses his face against the side of his dongsaeng’s head, breathing in his scent.

Leeteuk, the last guest to leave Hyukjae’s farewell party, emerges from the washroom and pats him gently on the back on his way out. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the send-off, Eunhyuk-a.”

Hyukjae mumbles something against Jongwoon’s shoulder, still not letting go, concentrating on the way his hyung’s heart beats against his own.

The door closes behind their leader.

They stand there for a long moment. Only the muffled sounds of Jongjin tidying up in the kitchen, clattering cups together, fill the silence.

When they finally disengage, Hyukjae keeps holding onto his arms.

“Hyung, I-“ He gets choked up.

_I’ll miss you._

Jongwoon’s eyes are like two shiny pieces of coal, darkened by unspoken emotions.

Hyukjae clears his throat and tries again.

“Hyung. I know you’ll probably be really busy, but I’d appreciate it, if… I’d really like it if you could visit me from time to time. It doesn’t have to be often,” he hurries to say, “just… if you could come to see me once or twice, that’d be great.”

Jongwoon chuckles half-heartedly.

“Once or twice in the whole two years, Hyukjae? My oh my, aren’t you demanding.”

Hyukjae pouts at his teasing tone.

Jongwoon smiles fondly at him and ruffles his buzz-cut hair. “Of course I’ll come, babo-ya. I think you’ll be far too occupied to even spare me a thought, when you get there, but… I’ll come. You can count on it. I’d like it, too, if you visited during your leave days.”

Hyukjae’s face lights up.

Jongwoon squeezes his hand and then quickly lets it go. “All right, off you go then, private. You’ll be sorry tomorrow, if you’re not starting your service well rested. Good luck, although I’m sure you don’t need it.”

Hyukjae’s shoulders slump a bit. He sighs and walks to the door, stepping out. A manager is waiting for him, ready to escort him home. There’s a slight chill in the air. Hyukjae turns around and takes one last look at Jongwoon. “Bye, hyung. I’ll see you?”

“Definitely.” He swallows. “Bye, Hyukjae.”

He thinks he must be imagining it – maybe it’s just the lighting playing tricks on him – but as he’s closing the door, Hyukjae could swear there are tears forming in Jongwoon’s eyes. The older man forces out a trembly smile, hastily turns around, and goes back to his brother.


	9. 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyukjae gets jealous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moments mentioned in the chapter:  
> lovely Kyuhyun (2:40), flawless Yesung (3:16), and the latter being super cute with Chanyeol (6:16) at SMTown in Tokyo:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFvjJz7TaaA  
> ChanYe (or whatever they're called :D) doing aegyo the previous day (bonus Teukkie going for a kiss at the end):  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTw2Uz9xtG4  
> Yesung crying while singing The One I Love in the 2015 KRY concert Eunhyuk visited:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtqLDzX4MgA  
> Also inspired by Yesung & Eunhyuk co-writing the lyrics to the beautiful Darling U <3

The rowdiness in the canteen almost drowns out the sound of the TV in the corner. Hyukjae rolls his eyes towards the ceiling and gives an exasperated sigh, pushing the volume button on the remote control with vigour.

“Eunhyuk-a. Why don’t you give up already? You can’t compete with the noise from fifty boisterous soldiers.”

“But I want to hear it, hyung.”

Shindong, sitting next to him at the table, shakes his head.

“Then you chose the wrong place to watch it.”

“There’s no other place, hyung. This is the only option.”

“True,” he laughs. “Never mind. It’s ending soon, anyway.”

“They did well.”

“Yeah, they did.” Shindong smiles warmly. “I kind of miss those dorks.”

Just as he’s saying it, Kyuhyun appears on the screen, clutching Shinee’s Minho to his side, laughing and waving at the camera and the crowd enjoying the SMTown Live Tour show at the Tokyo Dome. Hyukjae has to swallow a sudden lump in his throat as he scans the happy face of his dongsaeng. _Yeah, I kind of miss them, too_ , he thinks. The knowledge that he has to wait for another year to be able to share the stage with his group members again feels somewhat disheartening at that moment.

His musings are cut short when familiar eyes suddenly meet his through the screen, and he jolts in his seat, watching in awe as Jongwoon belts out a flawless high note. The sound pierces through the cacophony in the canteen and catches the attention of some of the soldiers sitting nearby.

“Wow, that was pretty cool,” one of them comments before turning back towards his companions at the other table.

Filled with pride, Hyukjae has to hide his smile in his palm. On TV, Jongwoon bites his lip and winks at him.

They watch as the artists get ready to exit the stage, saying their goodbyes one by one as they pass the close up camera on their way out. As Jongwoon approaches the lens, Hyukjae feels a familiar yearning in his heart.

“O-ho, those two have gotten close!” Shindong suddenly exclaims, turning to Hyukjae with laughter. However, the unexpectedly sour expression on his dongsaeng’s face has him raising his eyebrows in puzzlement. “What?”

Hyukjae’s mouth forms a tight and disapproving line as he watches EXO’s Chanyeol intertwine his fingers between Jongwoon’s and rest his forehead against their hyung’s. _They look far too happy together_ , Hyukjae thinks, eyes narrowing.

“What’s he doing that for?” he frowns.

“What? Who?” Shindong is confusion, personified.

“Chanyeol.”

“What do you mean?”

“The fanservice… aegyo… thing. Totally unnecessary. He did that yesterday, too. Really, he can be so annoying at times.”

“What are you talking about?” Shindong sounds incredulous. “Since when has Chanyeol been annoying? I thought you liked him! Or at least did so less than five minutes ago.”

“I don’t.“

“Could have fooled me. You’ve never said anything but good things about him before.”

No answer.

“What’s this, now?”

Hyukjae just sits there, sulking. The older man studies him silently for a bit.

“Aha! I know what’s brought this on.” Shindong lowers his voice. “You’re jealous.”

Hyukjae’s head snaps up. “Huh? No, I’m not!”

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m not! Why would I be jealous?”

“Because of Yesung-hyung, of course!”

Hyukjae splutters, blushes, and almost chokes on his own saliva. “What?!”

“It’s obvious! You’re jealous because you’re stuck here in the army base, not being able to see your oh-so-precious Yesung-hyung as often as you’d like, and he’s out there, doing aegyo and frolicking with new – and dare I say it, better – friends without a care in the world,” Shindong teases, eyes sparkling with mischievousness.

“Aish, hyung!” Hyukjae gets up from his chair. “You’re so far off. I don’t even miss Yesung at all.”

“Right.” A snort.

“No, for real!”

“Sure.”

“I’m leaving.” He turns around and stomps off, Shindong’s laughter trailing behind him.

“No need to get so worked up, Eunhyuk-a! I’m on a leave next weekend, I’ll be sure to give Yesung-hyung your love if I see him!”

The murderous glance Hyukjae sends him over his shoulder has him doubling over in mirth.

***

Shindong doesn’t have to fulfil his threat, however, because next week during their evening leave, a word is passed to Hyukjae that there’s a visitor by the name of Kim come to see him. Even before he can see who it is, his intuition tells him it must be Jongwoon, coming for one of his almost monthly visits.

Hence, he’s already smiling by the time he rounds a corner of a building and spots him standing underneath the trees, smiling warmly back at him, hands inside his pockets, enthusiastically waving Jongjin by his side.

***

“I’ve been writing a new song,” Jongwoon says, hugging his knees and tugging at the grass next to his feet. They’re on a small hill in the secluded part of a park, enjoying the last remaining warmth of the early autumn sun.

“Hmm? That’s nice.” Hyukjae, lying on his back on the ground next to him, shields his eyes and turns to look at him. “How’s that going for you?”

“Okay, I suppose. The basis is starting to look all right, but I’m struggling with some of the lyrics.” He flashes Hyukjae a small, hopeful smile. “I thought… Well, I thought maybe you could take a look at it and help me out a bit? If you want? You have a way with words.”

Hyukjae sits up and tries not to let it show, how pleased he is to be asked. “I guess I could do that, yeah. There isn’t much to do in the army in the evenings.”

Jongwoon looks delighted. He digs out his phone, types and scrolls for a second and then hands it over to Hyukjae. “This is what I’ve come up with so far.”

Hyukjae gives the lyrics a quick once-over. “Not a bad start.”

“Thanks. That’s the part I’m not sure about,” he leans over to point at a certain piece of the text.

Hyukjae hums and reads that part again, rolling the words in his mind. “Yeah, that could be slightly improved. And I think the song would benefit from another verse – here,” he scrolls on the screen and shows him. “Don’t you think?”

Jongwoon nods. “Yes. And maybe something in the beginning, too? Any ideas yet?”

“Some. Let me think about it. Send this to me, and I’ll start working on it tonight when I get back to the base. What’s the tune like?”

Jongwoon sings the melody quietly, while Hyukjae follows the lyrics on the screen. “Oh! Pretty. Very promising.”

“Thank you. I’ve had some help with that already.” He mentions the names.

Hyukjae nods and concentrates on the text again.

_On your thick and small lips_

_I wanna softly kiss you_

_I don’t know, what are we doing?_

_I’m curious as to what we are_

_Do you even like me?_

_Show me your true heart_

“ _On your thick and small lips_ … That’s a bit specific,” he thinks aloud. “Did you write these lyrics with someone in mind?”

Jongwoon hesitates for a while, face turning serious. “I… Maybe. Yes.”

He avoids his dongsaeng’s eyes. Hyukjae ignores the sudden pang of jealousy and tries to act like any normal friend would in a similar situation. He musters as much false cheeriness and curiosity to his voice as he’s capable of at that moment, what with the thought of _he likes someone else_ causing an almost physical pain in his chest. “That’s great, hyung! Anyone I know?”

Jongwoon looks away, shoulders squared and somewhat melancholic. “I’d rather not say.”

They fall silent.

 _He doesn’t look very glad about it_ , Hyukjae muses and chews on his bottom lip. A memory of Jongwoon crying during The One I Love in the previous year’s KRY concert springs to his mind and makes him sigh inwardly. _It seems he’s been unhappily in love for some time now... I guess they’re not reciprocating his feelings_ , he thinks, _whoever that fool is_.

“Okay.”

Jongwoon glances at him, surprised, and releases a breath of air when he realises his companion isn’t going to press the matter further.

 _Don’t worry, hyung, I don’t want to discuss the person you’re in love with any more than you do_ , Hyukjae thinks darkly, and gives him a tight smile that he hopes looks at least a bit convincing.

“It’s a lovely song. What are you going to call it?”

Jongwoon closes his eyes for a few seconds, opens them again and meets Hyukjae’s gaze.

“Darling U.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How awesome was KRY's Beyond Live today, people?! It made me so happy I wanted to celebrate by publishing this chapter a couple of days early.  
> Yesung singing Parallel Lines really made me tear up. Happy Birthday to the beautiful, wonderful, ridiculously youthful Jongwoon tomorrow on the 24th! <3


	10. 2017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to keep someone at arm's length when your heart is telling you to pull them in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by so many moments that it's impossible to list them all here. However, these are some of the ones mentioned in the text:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BZ6QVyn7q8  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XMff_5oUgA  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkB0ISF_dZQ  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rXi6XXdVE0  
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/43723  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umyBXqa0GLQ (esp. 36:49, 40:50, but their interactions throughout the whole thing are worth a watch)  
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/47812 (04:45, but the whole episode is very cute)  
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/44709 (05:44 onwards)

Hanging up his uniform and becoming an idol again after two years of staying out of the public eye feels odd.

Not bad, not intimidating – just plain _odd_.

In the army, he was just one sergeant Lee amongst a number of others, going about his pre-regulated day with his fellow servicemen. Not a single one of them cared about what or who he was in his civilian life.

Now, at his discharge assembly, he stands in front of a mass of screaming girls, numerous cameras pointing at him, and he doesn’t quite know how he is supposed to be feeling or reacting at this moment. He is happy, touched, confused and grateful, all at the same time.

Jongwoon’s hand is a reassuring weight on his shoulder, a calming touch on his nape, a gentle caress on his back. It feels like the eyes smiling at him over the black mask are wordlessly talking to him: _Welcome back Hyukkie, you’ve been greatly missed_.

For the best part of the gathering – like in many occasions before – they stand closely side by side, a gap separating them from the others. Something about Jongwoon is making Hyukjae feel uncharacteristically shy. The reason could be that there are so many people watching them, or maybe it’s because they haven’t been in each other’s vicinity like this for some time now and consequently, his defence mechanisms against his hyung’s proximity are down. Whatever it is, it’s making him giggle and bashfully lean into Jongwoon when their eyes meet.

Some things might have changed during his absence, but one definitely remains the same: He’s still hopelessly head over heels for this hyung.

***

Magnetic.

It’s the only way to describe the ever growing pull Hyukjae feels towards Jongwoon. _Everything was much easier when I wasn’t quite so aware of these wretched feelings_ , he thinks, frustrated and miserable.

He tries.

He tries _so hard_ to brush all the unwanted emotions aside, to hold back whenever he finds himself seeking out Jongwoon’s presence or catches himself showing affection towards him, because those are the moments that make him feel dangerously close to blurting everything out – and he’s absolutely certain that would make Jongwoon run a mile.

So, he resorts to the seemingly only way he’s always been able to keep himself in check whenever there are _feelings_ involved, at least when it comes to Jongwoon: relentless teasing. He might not be able to ignore or avoid him completely to protect his own heart, but he can definitely make it seem like he dislikes every second of them being together.

He pokes, prods and ridicules Jongwoon solely for the reason that it’s the easiest and safest way to get the man to notice him without giving anything away. His hyung might be frowning, but at least he’s frowning at _him_. He also keeps insulting Jongwoon’s looks to cover up the keenly felt attraction and the habitual problem of being caught staring at him even when there’s no excuse for him to do so. Maturity suits Jongwoon, and he seems to be getting more and more gorgeous each and every day. It often happens that Hyukjae has to call Jongwoon ugly just in order to hide the fact that sometimes, he actually finds him so devastatingly beautiful it almost takes his breath away.

He acts grossed out when Jongwoon tries to show him affection, because he has to pretend his heart isn’t trying to hammer its way out of his chest every time there’s any skinship between them. He _hueh_ s at him, mocks his vocals and makes fun of his music to divert people’s attention away from the fact that he knows every single one of his songs by heart. There are moments when Jongwoon’s sorrowful voice pierces his soul, and he’s forced to do all that just to conceal the tears welling up in his eyes and the goosebumps appearing on his skin.

Still, despite his best efforts, he lapses.

He hasn’t loved Jongwoon for years, first as a friend and then as something more, to not forget himself most of the time and let his true feelings shine through.

He doesn’t even try to convince himself it’s not jealousy gushing in his veins and turning his face serious every time somebody else dares to pay a compliment to or – even worse – flirt with his hyung in his presence. His coping method usually consists of loudly belittling Jongwoon and acting as if it was completely unbelievable and unheard-of that anyone could find the man handsome or attractive, and then swiftly diverting his attention back to himself, lest the older one should become interested in the person complimenting him. He’s not always proud of the way he handles himself in those situations, but if it’s effective, he’s damn well going to keep doing it.

He’s secretly pleased by the fact that he’s succeeded in stealing Jongwoon back from Chanyeol on a couple of occasions already. It’s more or less a childish revenge for the times he couldn’t be there to stand his ground.

The enhanced liveliness in Jongwoon’s eyes is difficult to ignore whenever their hubae is around, and Hyukjae actually goes and asks him about it, faking nonchalance and hoping that his possessiveness isn’t as plainly written on his face as he fears it might be.

“I’m just glad to have someone so kind as a friend. He seems to genuinely like me, too,” replies Jongwoon. The answer awakens a strong sense of inferiority in Hyukjae and leaves him with a small, nagging voice in his head. It keeps insisting that even though he and Jongwoon have been friends for almost two decades now, he’s never seen the same level of admiration directed at himself. It definitely doesn’t help in lessening his insecurities.

Therefore, as he’s happily dragged away by Jongwoon after successfully spoiling yet another sweet moment between him and Chanyeol at a SMTown event in Tokyo, he can’t fight the satisfied smile that spreads on his face at his small victory. And a month later, when it’s his gag instead of Chanyeol’s that has his hyung laughing out loud at the backstage in Hong Kong, he files the lovely sound away in that one specific, already brimming corner of his heart labelled ‘Things I Love About Jongwoon’ and decides he should be thankful for small mercies. _I may not be a tall, broad-framed hunk with a deep voice and a pretty face, but at least I know how to make him laugh_.

In the very same Hong Kong event, Jongwoon surprises everybody by turning up on the stage in the middle of a D&E ment. As so often lately happens whenever this one particular person suddenly gets near him, Hyukjae finds it impossible to conceal the happiness oozing from his every pore. Eyes shining, he attaches himself to Jongwoon in such a manner that poor Donghae is left looking like an extra third-wheeling the main couple of a romantic movie – _in his own concert_.

_Oh, how fond I am of this idiot_ , thinks Hyukjae and watches, grinning from ear to ear, as Jongwoon dances off the stage.

***

He often observes his hyung quietly, keeps noticing all the little traits and quirky habits which have become so familiar over the years yet still feel so endearing, so quintessentially _Jongwoon_ to him.

It’s like there’s an invisible rope pulling Hyukjae towards Jongwoon whenever he knows the man is somewhere near. Be it a show or an event, a recording or filming session, a variety show appearance or just a casual get-together, he often finds himself right at his hyung’s elbow, not fully comprehending how – despite his resolve to steer clear – he’s ended up there _again_.

Hyukjae secretly loves their little squabbles. The half-annoyed, half-amused twinkle and the challenging look in Jongwoon’s eyes in response to his teasing are an endless thrill to him. Sometimes Jongwoon retaliates by subjecting him to one of his love attacks – grabbing him, holding him close and nuzzling him – and the only thing he can do is to just smile stupidly and try to convince himself that he isn’t a tad excited by the fact that the man is capable of doing that to him; that he actually isn’t pressing back against the slender body and moulding himself so that he fits perfectly to his hyung’s shape.

When the older one talks about something personal or shares a piece of information about his past, Hyukjae can’t help but pay attention and commit it all to his memory.

He can't stop himself from flinging his arms around Jongwoon and grinning at him like a fool every time the man says or does anything fun or delightful. (Sometimes, it only takes something very silly and insignificant like Jongwoon winning him chicken in a game of Escape the Restaurant).

And no, he definitely isn't able to prevent his ears getting a faint pinkish hue whenever Jongwoon initiates a tender contact, like when he wraps his arm around Hyukjae’s shoulders and unconsciously strokes his face while they’re discussing a new song in the recording studio.

With other people present, Hyukjae might always be mulishly twisting his expression into a disgusted frown at his hyung’s touch, but what else is a man supposed to do when faced with the very real prospect of his suddenly weakened knees giving out and exposing him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm dissatisfied with how this chapter turned out, but after struggling and battling with it for days, I finally decided to just give up, get on with it and post it as it is >_< Hope it's not too disappointing.  
> I've almost finished writing the next chapter, so I'll hopefully be updating the fic in a couple of days again.


	11. 2018, part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Psst, Hyukjae! Your attraction's showing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the remaining chapters are going to be split into multiple parts. Here's the first one for the year 2018. Hope you guys like it! :)
> 
> Moments mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> Before Sunrise  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wmsVf5Raqw (5:15, 8:20) ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnFrpg3P8UY (4:38, 7:25) ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOye1gJDAZw (8:30) ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwisFxvPoHs (10:10, 11:28) ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YZYSPSUDgE ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNdbthBrPjs ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIlxnACVb28
> 
> EunhyukTV  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxr0JFznd_0 (2:10, 3:30)
> 
> SS7 in Hong Kong  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsw4NWZ5hno  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-r_SEo4ZkM (00:20)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nHFUMRSt8g  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxdV5OfEI4A  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdQL7u6OB0Q (2:05, 2:44 onwards)

“This is a meeting with destiny, right? What kind of person do you want to meet?”

Leeteuk-hyung is addressing them all, but he’s looking at Hyukjae expectantly as he speaks.

They’re on a train, in the middle of filming for Super Junior’s Super TV, and they’ve just been informed the episode they’re shooting today will be centered around the movie Before Sunrise. A female guest is supposed to be making an appearance any minute now, and the revelation is causing quite a stir amongst the members.

“Someone who has similar interests with me,” Hyukjae replies to their leader somewhat vaguely, “things we talk about-“

“Give us a name,” pressures Heechul-hyung.

“Someone like Yano Shiho,” he answers, thinking about his ideal type: Someone slightly older than him. A family-oriented, kind and caring person. Someone with distinctive, expressive eyes.

“As for me, a warm hearted…” Jongwoon begins next to Hyukjae, looking at his dongsaeng and pausing for a second, “… white jade-like woman.” He doesn’t name anyone specific.

The discussion goes on for a while, then moves on to another topic. When Shindong mentions he’s getting hungry, Owl PD tells them they’re allowed to have some snacks and refreshments from the trolley if they’re able to present an individual talent.

The only talent Hyukjae can think of is an impression of Jongwoon, and that’s what he brings to the table, too. “Open the doooor…” he sings overdramatically, standing over his hyung and watching him as the man’s face splits into an amused grin. The performance doesn’t earn him the banana milk he’s requesting, but he’s given a bag of chestnuts instead – Jongwoon’s preferred snack. Nevertheless, they’re both satisfied as they end up sharing their snacks anyway.

As their guest for the day finally joins them and starts observing them and asking them questions – eliminating them from the game one by one – Hyukjae’s beginning to feel more and more threatened by the minute. From very early on, it’s pretty obvious he and the woman, Jiyoon, are not going to hit it off, but that’s not the primary source of his concerns – the fact that she’s taken an instant shine to Jongwoon, definitely is.

As Jongwoon and Jiyoon are given five minutes to talk freely on a subject of their choice, Hyukjae immediately starts disrupting his hyung’s every attempt at making conversation. When she happily agrees to Jongwoon’s suggestion of them maybe being able to match more as long as they’re allowed to be their natural selves, all cheerfulness leaves Hyukjae’s eyes, sudden unhappiness tightening and turning the corners of his mouth. He stares out of the window, unwilling to witness the sweet interaction happening right next to him. He’s only able to smile again once Jongwoon’s turn ends and the man swaps places with Heechul-hyung, seating himself across the aisle.

When it’s time for Hyukjae to try his luck with impressing the guest, he’s too caught up in his own awkwardness to notice the way Jongwoon’s whole demeanour changes, his smile turning tenuous as he watches his dongsaeng’s wooing efforts from the side.

Hyukjae gets voted off next.

The worry that Jongwoon might actually be serious about pursuing the affections of their female lead follows him out of the train and all the way to the restaurant he and Shindong (who’s come to pick him up from the station) stop by for a meal. It’s forefront in his mind and he can’t help mentioning it to Shindong, too.

“Seems like Yesung-hyung’s really serious right now,” he voices his concerns to his friend. “Yesung-hyung’s doing it seriously now, he thinks it will work out somehow after this.”

“Then, Eunhyuk…” replies Shindong, “… please get the spoons and chopsticks.” It’s the clearest dismissal of a topic one could receive. _Why should we even care?_ and _Why are you talking about Yesung-hyung again?_ are left unsaid, but Hyukjae gets the message anyway.

When they arrive to the café where the final scenes of the episode are taking place, Hyukjae proposes to his fellow eliminated members that as the lovers in the movie Before Sunrise get separated at the end, they should also sabotage the date the last remaining ones – Jongwoon and Teukkie-hyung – are going to have with Jiyoon under their surveillance.

He brings the matter of Jongwoon’s sincerity up again, but he’s feeling a little bit better about it now, because this time, he’s given the power to control everything his hyung does or says.

_And boy, does he misuse it_.

What he hasn’t taken into consideration, though, is Jongwoon’s ability to exude effortless charm even when he’s made to do the silliest things. Their every attempt at making the man look ridiculous seems to only draw Jiyoon even closer to him. Hyukjae doesn’t even know why this is coming as a surprise to him. After all, he’s defenceless against those eyes, that smile, that very same charm, too.

He’s relieved when the whole thing is finally over and Jiyoon's sent on her way.

***

About a week later, Hyukjae is asked to film a vlog-style video for a special episode of Super TV.  
“But what am I going to film?” he asks the producers, trying to think up interesting subjects and coming up with zero.

“Well, you have a concert in Malaysia next week. Why don’t you try vlogging the trip?” suggest the Owl PD. “I think the fans would like that.”

And that’s how he ends up at Incheon airport, armed with a camera on a selfie stick, getting ready to fly to Kuala Lumpur and trying to coax some decent material out of the bunch of loonies he calls his SuJu family.

The end result is shown to him a couple of weeks later. Hyukjae finds himself laughing along with the editors as they watch Shindong trying to avoid the camera by planking, face down, on the airplane floor. “Ah, that’s brilliant!” chuckles one of the PDs, and Hyukjae can’t help but agree with him.

He keeps smiling throughout the scene where he’s looking for Jongwoon in the plane (although he’s cringing a bit because he didn’t think it was this obvious he’s always seeking out his hyung), but finds himself blushing with embarrassment by the time they’re shown the footage from backstage and people around him start aww-ing and cooing at the soft interaction between Jongwoon and himself.

And it gets worse.

Shindong jokes about how he’s been preparing a slender body for the Malaysian fans, sucking his cheeks in.

“In that case, I’m always prepared,” replies Jongwoon on the screen, smiling.

“How’s that?” enquires Hyukjae.

“Slim body,” explains the hyung.

“Where’s that slim body? Please take off your clothes and show us,” asks Hyukjae, flirting, and it’s clear from the knowing way both Jongwoon on the screen and the real people in the cutting room are looking at him, that he’s been very blatant about it.

He covers his flaming cheeks with his hands and hopes for the ground to swallow him whole.

***

February rolls around and they fly off to Hong Kong for their sole Super Show 7 concert in the entire month.

The weather is warm and humid but the skies are murky, obscuring the stars from the view. Jongwoon points it out as he and Hyukjae stand outside the arena, the former trying to film a piece for a TV show he’s currently participating in, while the latter – as per usual – is doing his best to distract him.

Hyung is in a very good mood.

As soon as Hyukjae sees the playful glint in the dark eyes, he knows he’s doomed. A gloomy Jongwoon he might be able to resist from time to time (if you ignore the fact that whenever the older one is brooding, he always has to go and pester him right away in quest of lightening up his mood), but a radiant one..? _Not a chance_.

When Jongwoon’s eyes are smiling, Hyukjae finds it impossible to stay away from him. Tonight, unsurprisingly, provides no exception from this principle. Hyukjae’s full Jerry mode gets activated the minute they get on the stage, and Jongwoon takes it all in his stride, laughing along and matching his jests with the ones of his own.

During Shirt, he passes his dongsaeng by and pokes him playfully on the chest, and Hyukjae immediately goes after him, prodding him in the ribs from behind.

His smile turns gummy when Jongwoon grabs his hands, winds his arms around himself and places his palms on his upper chest. For a fleeting second, Hyukjae is pulled tightly against the other man, his front pressing against his hyung’s backside as they march on together.

Jongwoon is singing, and Hyukjae can feel the vibrations underneath his hands, the heat of the man’s skin tangible through the thin, silken shirt. The way the older one’s every movement is transmitted between their connected bodies is definitely not lost on him, either.

He’s left daydreaming about Jongwoon’s hips – so much so that later on the show (after all the customary _hueh_ ing and wailing he passes off as his rendition of It Has To Be You and Here I Am), he accidentally brings them up during a ment. He keeps slowly gyrating his hips as he imitates Jongwoon’s way of performing a song, prompting Siwon’s demand for an explanation.

“Yesung-hyung always moves his hips,” Hyukjae tells the exhilarated crowd. “In Black Suit, we do this,” and he demonstrates the rolling pelvic thrusts that are part of their dance routine, “but _Yesung-hyung_ dances like…” And this time, he imitates Jongwoon’s style, the thrusts and the overall sexiness deliberately overexaggerated.

The audience’s amusement soon turns into excited cheering as the man himself decides to give a demonstration. Amongst all the merriment, nobody seems to question Hyukjae’s apparent interest in his hyung’s seductive dance moves in any way.

As the concert is drawing to an end, a fan throws a heart shaped pillow on the stage, with the embroidered text of ‘Eunhyuk, love you’ on the side. Hyukjae walks right past it, not noticing it’s meant for him, but Jongwoon picks it up from the floor. He looks at his dongsaeng and holds the pillow his way, pumping the stuffed heart as if it was the one inside his ribcage, trying to escape from its confines towards the one it loves. Hyukjae retrieves the pillow from him, expression carefully arranged into a mask of nonchalance.

However, he can hardly feign indifference when during the encore, Jongwoon places a hand on Heechul’s shoulder and shakes those infamous hips of his at their hyung provocatively.

Something white-hot flashes through Hyukjae and he has to remind himself that while Devil might be the song during which he and Jongwoon often pay special attention to each other (he’s come to anticipate the older one blowing him a kiss at the end), he doesn’t have any right to expect the man to reserve it all exclusively to _him_.

Still, when the dance routine finally brings them next to one another, Hyukjae – without fully realising what he’s about to do before he’s already doing it – finds himself placing his hands possessively on Jongwoon’s waist and practically grinding on him from behind.

It’s like he’s staking a claim. For what and to whom, he doesn’t want to dwell on. He just knows he’s breaking into a smile when Jongwoon twists around a bit, wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him even closer.


	12. 2018, part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They lived together, and now something's changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration
> 
> Problematic Man:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X19tmQNpod8 (the whole hair salon thing is cute, but the moment around 4:55 is referenced in the chapter)
> 
> The loveliness, adorableness, all-around awesomeness that is the lovey-dovey Yehyuk on We Lived Together:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXH_UnM-oW8 (this is the first part of the compilation, I'm sure you can find the rest three by yourselves)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L2O3cc6xDo  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g07XiXmhlHE (11:18 onwards)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9FlU_WnA5Q  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRNV7uGKKM8 (5:46, 8:37 onwards till the end)

It’s been obvious since their early days that somehow, despite their completely opposite personalities, Hyukjae and Jongwoon just _match_. They’re like two sides of the same coin, different in characteristics yet always inseparable; a planet and its moon, irresistibly being pulled into each other’s orbits.

Their banter flows effortlessly, their bickering is affectionate. Their chemistry is through the roof. Neither of them wants to deny it when during the screening of their episode of Problematic Man, Leeteuk accuses them of dating.

Producers take notice.

They are not stupid, they know when they’ve hit gold, and when it’s time to choose the pairings for an episode of We Lived Together, it’s unanimously decided that Hyukjae and Jongwoon shall be coupled up.

Hyukjae doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Over 24 hours alone with Jongwoon? Torture, and not for the reasons he puts forth to the audience. He gulps when he enters the room they’ll be staying in, Jongwoon in his tow, and realises there’s only one bed for them to share.

_Oh, shit. Isn’t this just marvellous_ , he thinks, more than a little desperate.

Still, it’s odd how quickly he forgets there are cameras around. Like always when it’s just the two of them together, Hyukjae can feel the walls he’s been trying to build between Jongwoon and himself crumble down, and he softens all over.

He gets happier, shyer, gigglier, more honest.

_Flirtier._

It’s as if for a fleeting moment, he’s allowed to pretend this is reality – _that he and Jongwoon could actually have this_. That they could walk the streets as boyfriends, buy clothes for each other, share their meals, memories and deepest emotions, simply enjoy each other’s company and _touch_.

What a dream.

As their eventful and fairly emotion-filled day closes to an end, Hyukjae lies wide awake on the bed in the pitch black room, very aware of the warmth of Jongwoon’s body next to his. He can hear the other man moving restlessly in the darkness, as if he’s having trouble falling asleep, too.

Hyukjae ignores Jongwoon, his own racing heart and the way their limbs keep accidentally brushing each other under the duvet as well as he can, snuggles a large pillow and desperately chases the sleep that evades him.

***

In the morning the pillow lies discarded on the floor, and Hyukjae wakes up snuggling Jongwoon instead.

His nose is pressed against a soft t-shirt and he inhales, a familiar and well-liked scent filling his senses and stirring a mild arousal in him before his sleep-fuddled brain finally catches up. Suddenly he’s jolting awake, springing out of bed and escaping to the bathroom as if there was an angry rhinoceros at his heels.

(He’s eternally grateful for the production team when he later learns that they’ve had the decency to cut at least _that bit_ out.)

When the crew comes to interview them individually about the experience, he fears at least some of his true feelings must be showing on his face throughout the episode, and it’s for the sake of passing any possible slip ups in his demeanour as a joke and saving himself the embarrassment, that he thanks Jongwoon for the time they had together, but makes it also very clear this was an ordeal he never wants a repeat of again.

***

Two weeks later, after they’ve finished filming the reaction shots for the episode (naturally, Tom & Jerry are voted the Best Couple – _married in a previous life_ , Heechul describes them), Hyukjae says his goodbyes to the two producers he’s been having a conversation with and turns around to look for a head of platinum blonde hair, only to find it missing amongst the ones in the room. He rushes out to the hallway, jogs after Jongwoon and spots him by the lifts.

“Yesung!”

The man turns to look at him. “Eunhyuk-a”, he replies calmly, a blank expression on his face.

Hyukjae catches his breath and smiles brightly at his hyung. “You left before I had a proper chance to talk to you. I meant to ask… What are we going to do about that movie date they gave us as a prize, then? They said we should go.” _An outright excuse_. “Would you like to?” 

_Please say yes._

“Oh, don’t worry about that, you’re off the hook. I’ll respect your wishes and spare you.”

“My… wishes?”

“I already told the production team we’re not going. You said you don’t want to spend time with me like that ever again so I figured you didn’t want to go.”

_Wait._

_No._

A trepidation rises in Hyukjae.

_Out of all the things I said during the shoot, that’s the one you believe to be my true sentiment?!_

As his dongsaeng gapes at him, Jongwoon digs into his coat pocket and fishes out the envelope containing the movie tickets, pressing it into his hand.

“Here, have these. Keep the money, too. You can take someone you _actually_ want to spend time with. Someone you really like.” His smile is kind, but the look in his eyes seems dejected.

Hyukjae swallows audibly, colour draining from his face. “Hyung-“

_I didn’t mean it. You must know I didn’t mean it_ , he pleads in his mind. _Didn’t you see how over the moon I was the whole time we were together?!_

His distress must be evident, because Jongwoon brushes his knuckles soothingly over his cheek. “It’s okay, Eunhyuk-a. There’s no need to look like that, you’re not obliged to like my company.” He looks down for a bit, worrying his lower lip, clearly debating himself whether to go on or not. “I… I might be slightly disappointed,” he then admits reluctantly, “but I’m not offended.” He gives a little half-hearted, mirthless chuckle. “Although I must say I’m a bit confused. It seems I’ve been living with some very false notions regarding our relationship. Like when you called this morning and asked to have coffee with me before the shoot, I was under the impression you actually wanted to go.”

_I did_ , Hyukjae cries silently in his head. _Hyung, I did!_ But all he seems to be capable of doing at that moment is to just stand there, wide-eyed, staring speechlessly at the man in front of him.

"Well." Jongwoon’s shoulders slump a bit and he sighs resignedly. “I’ll see you around.” He flicks his dongsaeng softly on the nose, steps into the lift and disappears behind the closing doors.

Hyukjae stays rooted to the spot, crushing the envelope in his hand and cursing his stupid, useless mouth for letting him so often blurt out the silliest, untruest things but always, _always_ leaving him in trouble whenever it’s about things that matter the most.

***

The next time they see each other, it’s a testament to Jongwoon-hyung’s amiable character that he carries on as normal and acts like their last meeting never happened.

Hyukjae’s lingering awkwardness dissipates when his hyung greets him with all the usual warmth, their previous conversation seemingly forgotten. Jongwoon laughs and jokes with him just the same, and for a good few weeks, Hyukjae almost believes nothing’s changed between them.

_Almost._

However.

He’s spent years (sometimes intentionally, sometimes rather subconsciously) studying his hyung’s every move, every expression, every gesture – and he just _knows him_.

He can tell when Jongwoon’s being genuine and when he’s trying to hide his true feelings, and as he now observes the older one’s wide smiles and listens to him cheerily chattering away, he can’t fight the steadily growing feeling that Jongwoon is in fact _forcing_ himself to act carefree in his presence.

What worries Hyukjae even more is that regardless of Jongwoon’s attempts at trying to be pleasant to him _all the frigging time_ , there are moments when Hyukjae’s teasing seems to actually get to him – and that’s something that’s never happened before. It’s like he’s suddenly really believing every snarky comment his dongsaeng throws at him. Some days, his initial sweetness vanishes at Hyukjae’s first joke, and he becomes almost snappish.

Hyukjae’s thoughts are a conflicted mess.

Whenever Jongwoon’s behaviour is overly pleasant, he anxiously suspects the hyung must’ve found out about his far-from-platonic love for him and that he – despite being disgusted by it – is trying to act unfazed because he doesn’t want to hurt Hyukjae’s feelings.

Whenever the man is acting the opposite and looks upset by or snarls at something he said, he fears Jongwoon might still be believing his earlier remarks, presuming him hostile and indifferent.

Somehow, the latter option feels much scarier.

If it has to come to that, Hyukjae can live with rejection, but the thought that Jongwoon should ever doubt his love and admiration for him is simply unbearable. That’s why he chooses to ignore the dread rising in him in response to the possibility of Jongwoon figuring his feelings out, and makes it his mission instead to show him by any means necessary that he really, truly cares about him.

He knows he’s rubbish at expressing his affection with words, but actions speak louder than them, anyway.


	13. 2018, part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moments that inspired this chapter:
> 
> Yehyuk in South America  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOeeXWoINN8  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCr_OULigto  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7M6ACl0LFA  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtaCOyVBkqs  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ng7oBZ75lNs
> 
> SuJu in Taiwan  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5JzRdYgH-8 (esp. 03:15 onwards. Bees really have something against Yehyuk, don't they? :D)
> 
> Yehyuk just spending time together  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zf5m61uivTg

“Hyukjae? Come here for a second.”

Jongwoon is holding his phone up as if he’s about to take a selfie, and Hyukjae goes to him, dives underneath the arm Jongwoon’s beckoning him with and leans against his hyung’s side in a half-hug, softly pressing their temples together in the trademark Aesongie-Hyukkie pose reserved just for the two of them.

“Ah, it’s a video?” he notices belatedly, but stays happily where he is, making no attempt to move away before Jongwoon himself steps back.

He’s feeling great.

Comfortableness and normalcy – two things Hyukjae has found missing between them in the past few months, and has constantly been seeking to recover. A day of Jongwoon smiling and staying close to him is nowadays usually followed by three or more of him drawing away and ghosting him. But during the last few weeks, the way the older one’s been interacting with him has been getting more and more sincere, the way it used to be. With every genuine smile his hyung offers him, Hyukjae’s feeling of relief intensifies. The unspoken thing (and Hyukjae wishes he actually knew, what that _thing_ was – that’d make fixing it a lot easier) that’s been hanging over their heads for months now seems to be melting away bit by bit.

They’re on the South American leg of their world tour now. It’s a beautiful, sunny day, perfect for a stroll around the grounds of the Chilean winery they’re currently visiting. Hyukjae watches as Jongwoon crouches down to inspect a small colourful bug that persistently climbs up a stem of a bush growing on the side of the path.

Jongwoon chuckles quietly. “Hyukjae, take a look at this cute little fella. It’s got googly eyes.” He looks up towards his dongsaeng and grins happily, squinting against the sun. Gentle breeze is ruffling his platinum hair, and the red of his jumper is accentuating his colours and bringing out his dark eyes.

He looks fantastic, and Hyukjae can’t stop staring.

He _craves_ him.

He knows he shouldn’t, but there’s nothing he can do about it. Although it’s something he’s been living with for so long now, it seems that the glorious day they spent together a couple of months back (and especially the night after it, the way he clung to Jongwoon in his sleep) has sharpened the already existing feeling and left him with a constant, profound yearning.

He walks up to Jongwoon, places a hand on the man’s shoulder blade for support and crouches down next to him, pretending to be admiring the bug but all the while overly conscious of the small area under his palm where they’re connected.

He’s taking every opportunity he can get to be near him without raising suspicion.

Sometimes he lets himself gently hold onto Jongwoon’s shoulders as he approaches him from behind, gliding his hands down the older one’s arms in a disguised caress.

Sometimes he ushers him through the door first or pretends to guide him to a certain direction just to be able to rest his hand on the small of his back.

Sometimes he offers Jongwoon a drink and then keeps holding onto the cup or the bottle a little bit longer than necessary, only to prolong the electrifying sensation of warm fingers closing over his.

And sometimes, when there hasn’t been any physical contact between them for days, he grows a little desperate and gets right in Jongwoon’s face, poking his philtrum and repeatedly _hueh_ ing at him in the secret hope of getting him so riled up that the only option he’s left with is to just snap and _grab_ him.

He hates himself for it. Hates that he needs this, hates that he can’t come clean about it.

Fears Jongwoon would absolutely despise him if he _did_.

On the lucky – and lately, frustratingly infrequent – occasion Jongwoon takes the initiative and approaches him, wraps his arms around his waist and just quietly and gently holds him, Hyukjae marvels at the sense of belonging and deep contentment that immediately fills him. While moments like that always taste the sweetest at the time, they often afterwards leave him with a heavy heart and keep him up at night, angrily wiping away stray tears and wishing to no avail that he could somehow transfer into an alternate universe where Jongwoon wouldn’t only see him as his friend and dongsaeng, but as his love interest, as well.

Despite the subsequent hollowness, he’s never able to resist Jongwoon’s touch. And when his hyung comes and softly embraces him from behind during a Facebook live in Taiwan a month later, that is why Hyukjae simply lets him. After all, he knows he’s exactly where he wants to be.

It’s definitely worth the heartbreak.

***

“All right everybody, we’re done for the day! Good work!”

An assistant turns off the music and they all groan loudly, some of the members immediately plopping down on the practice room floor, exhausted and joints aching.

“Holy crap. I’m getting too old for this,” Leeteuk complains between heaving breaths, making their choreographer laugh out loud.

Hyukjae stretches his back and walks over to the other side of the room where Jongwoon is lying on the floor like a stranded starfish, limbs splayed out and muscles quivering.

He taps the bottom of Jongwoon’s trainers with his toes. “Hey, got something to do later?”

“No, I’m going straight home. Why?” Jongwoon concentrates on his breathing and doesn’t open his eyes.

“Wanna hang out or something?”

That gets Jongwoon’s attention, and he sits up. “Hang out?”

“ _Yes_ , hyung. That’s what we do, isn’t it?” Hyukjae can’t help sounding a tad defensive. “We hang out.” _Or at least used to, before you started more or less avoiding me._

“Yes, but… I didn’t think you…” Jongwoon sounds perplexed.

“What?”

“Nothing.” He bites his lip. “I… really don’t feel like going anywhere after this,” he says reluctantly.

“I could come to your place? Just for a bit?” Hyukjae isn’t ready to give up yet.

Jongwoon observes him silently. “… You actually _want_ to come over?”

“Yes. Unless you don’t want to have me?”

Jongwoon’s ears turn pink. “No, no! I do! I do want to… um. Have you. Over for a visit.” He coughs awkwardly.

Baffled by the sudden stuttering, Hyukjae raises his eyebrows. “Okay, so… Shall we go then?”

“Yes, yes.” Jongwoon pushes himself hurriedly up from the floor and goes to fetch his bag from a stool by the wall. When he comes back, he looks slightly tense. “Do you want to, uh… take a shower and change clothes here first or..?

Hyukjae only then remembers they’re both drenched in sweat – and realises he probably smells. “Oh, right. Yeah. If it’s okay with you?”

Jongwoon nods. “Go ahead. I’ll take one when we get ho- To my place. When we get to my place.”

After a quick shower, Hyukjae changes out of his training gear and appears in front of Jongwoon in a pristine white, long-sleeved t-shirt and jeans. He smiles at his hyung expectantly. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”

In the car, he catches Jongwoon sneaking glances at him – and the hyung is bobbing his knee. The man is _nervous_.

When they finally escape the afternoon traffic and arrive at Jongwoon's apartment, he seems to calm down a bit. _Home territory_ , Hyukjae thinks, smiling.

“Make yourself comfortable,” Jongwoon offers him a drink from the fridge and gestures towards the couch. “I won’t take long.” And he leaves the room, pulling his hoodie over his head.

He returns only ten minutes later, freshly showered and sporting a grey t-shirt and black sweatpants, looking all cosy and cute and smelling _heavenly_.

Hyukjae’s stomach flips.

“I hope you don’t mind I ordered takeout,” he hastens to say and looks away before Jongwoon has time to register the heat in his gaze.

“Not at all. I was about to suggest that myself. But I’m definitely paying for it, since you’re the guest.”

“I already paid for it on the app.”

“Then I’ll slip some cash into your pocket.” His smile is the prettiest thing Hyukjae has seen the whole week, and if he’s going to look like _that_ the whole evening, Hyukjae fears he has to throw himself off a cliff. Why, oh why did he think coming here was good idea in the first place?

_I’m so screwed. Deep breaths, Hyukjae, deep breaths._

“I like what you’ve done with the place. Are those new decorations? What’s this?” To distract himself, he goes and picks up a black object from the shelf.

“That’s a Bluetooth speaker. Wait.” He digs out his phone and taps away, and then leans over. “You turn it on like this.” His fingers brush against Hyukjae’s as he presses the button, and the younger one stifles a shiver.

As the funky tunes fill the air, he holds the speaker and starts dancing to the beat, and Jongwoon giggles and films him for a bit. He then pockets his phone and joins him.

They dance together for a good minute, pulling funny faces and laughing at the deliberately exaggerated moves, muscles still sore from the practice before. Then Jongwoon takes his dongsaeng’s free hand, spins him playfully around a couple of times and tugs just a _little_ too enthusiastically – and Hyukjae loses his balance. He falls right against Jongwoon’s chest and they both freeze, staring at each other with wide eyes.

The music doesn’t stop, but the rest of the world definitely does.

They’re standing so close together they can feel their breaths mixing.

Instinctively, Hyukjae’s eyes flick down towards Jongwoon’s lips and then he quickly looks back up again, blushing guiltily and hoping his hyung didn’t notice – but from the stunned way Jongwoon blinks at him, he can immediately tell he did.

The doorbell buzzes.

They both take a step back and Jongwoon practically flees from the room, rushing to the hall to check the monitor and answer the door.

 _Deep breaths_ , Hyukjae repeats his mantra from earlier, gripping the Bluetooth speaker so hard his fingertips are turning white and simultaneously thanking and cursing the timing of the food delivery.

When the takeout arrives accompanied by a smiley and oblivious Jongjin, who’s decided to pay his brother a surprise visit – and thus effectively puts an end to their alone time together – Hyukjae doesn’t quite know whether to be relieved or utterly disappointed.

He's still happy to see Jongjin.

He always is.


	14. 2018, part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hope resurfaces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a holiday and wasn't able to update as regularly as I'd planned to, but I'm back now and have finally finished proofreading this chapter, so here it is. It's a bit of a filler, but hope you guys enjoy it anyway.
> 
> This chapter was inspired by Super TV S2 ep 11 and 12:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6fXWoVPJlM (6:30)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSUbujOSDWc (pretty much the whole thing but esp. 0:50 onwards, 4:35)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPIFVyGRIvQ (0:55, 10:15 onwards till the end)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53Hx2uPh9YE (the bit at the beginning, 7:37)
> 
> Otra Vez MV behind the scenes:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFN8xWgULGQ&feature=youtu.be (2:28-3:03, 6:30
> 
> Momoland vs. SuJu:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-k7RP3u_mCM (4:05, 6:35)

About a week later, in the beginning of July, Ryeowook is discharged from the military and the Super TV production team whisks them all off to Jeju Island for a long-awaited mini holiday.

The hyungs (apart from Leeteuk, who joins Hyukjae, Donghae and Siwon in their quest to pick up the maknae from an army base) take an earlier flight, leaving for the destination ahead of their dongsaengs in order to get everything ready for Ryeowook’s welcome party.

When Hyukjae arrives to the island along with the rest of the members some hours later and they briefly stop by the sea, he feels like his troubles are starting to blow away with the salty wind, and he allows himself to relax, smiling happily against the sun.

 _We should do this more often_ , he thinks, joining his leader and their dongsaengs as they climb on the rocks and explore the beach with a childlike delight.

As they get back into the car and head for the hotel where the hyungs are supposed to be waiting, Hyukjae’s already itching to see, what they’ve been able to come up with in preparation for the party.

He’s itching to see Jongwoon.

The memory of their last meeting has him feeling all flushed and anticipatory. He’s been thinking about it constantly ever since – about how he could discern speckles of lighter brown on Jongwoon’s almost black irises as they stood pressed together, the older one’s face so close to his.

He doesn’t know how his hyung perceives the whole thing, but of one point he is certain, knows he didn’t imagine it: even after Jongwoon had noticed Hyukjae glancing at his lips and had appeared taken aback by it, he hadn’t pulled away – not before they were interrupted. Hyukjae would be lying if he said the whole moment didn’t leave him very confused, questioning everything he thought he knew about how Jongwoon feels about him.

When they arrive at the resort and Ryeowook opens the door to their hotel room, Hyukjae following close behind, the hyungs are nowhere to be seen. Only the cameramen are in plain sight.

 _Where have they all gone now_ , Hyukjae has time to think as he simultaneously calls Ryeowook to come and see the decorations in the main room, before Jongwoon suddenly scares them all by shouting and leaping out from underneath the desk he’s been using as a hiding place.

“That shocked me,” Hyukjae grins, a little embarrassed, and then _hueh_ s at his hyung right away to cover up the wave of happiness as their eyes meet. Truth be told, his joy at seeing Jongwoon might actually be rivalling Ryeowook’s, and he doesn’t even have the excuse of having been separated from him for months. _For heaven’s sake, Hyukjae, you saw the man less than a week ago. Get a grip_ , he reprimands himself.

“Hyung, I would’ve been so upset if you hadn’t been here,” Ryeowook confesses to Jongwoon, taking his hand.

“Ryeowook’s been asking why you didn’t come since morning,” Hyukjae tells him, smiling. Jongwoon lets their maknae’s hand go, steps closer and is just about to poke Hyukjae in the face when Shindong surges from behind the curtains and gives everyone another scare, distracting him for a bit. But he goes ahead and does it anyway, pressing his forefinger quickly against Hyukjae’s lips before stepping away.

That touch stays with Hyukjae for the rest of the day – as does the sensation of Jongwoon’s hand briefly resting on his lower back, right above his butt as the man moves past him onto the balcony to admire the sea view.

Cameras follow them everywhere. Hyukjae soon comes to the conclusion that any attempt at private conversation would be futile.

They’ve a late lunch together, and both the food and the mood are great. Hyukjae might be stealing some glances at Jongwoon on the other side of the table, but he’s pretty sure he gets away with it. Even if his hyung catches him doing it a couple of times, he only holds his gaze and smiles at him in return.

All in all, they have a very enjoyable day. After they’ve completed a mission playing some arcade games for Super TV, snapped pictures in a photo booth (Hyukjae takes some with Jongwoon and saves one for himself, slipping it into his back pocket when no one is looking), had dinner, laughed at Shindong pushing a fully clothed Donghae into the swimming pool and watched Ryeowook and Siwon take a dive together, the sun is already low in the sky and it’s time for the hyungs to go.

“Heechul, Shindong, Yesung and I have a schedule tomorrow,” Leeteuk explains for the cameras as they’re getting ready to leave, and Hyukjae hopes he doesn’t look as disappointed as he feels. Even when Jongwoon wraps an arm around his shoulders and laughingly tells him he’ll have to step up as a leader as he's the oldest amongst the members staying behind, he has to make an effort to seem enthusiastic.

They’ll have fun together, the remaining four of them, he knows they will, but it just won’t be the same without… _him_.

As they sit down for a late night barbecue a couple of hours later, Hyukjae’s already missing a pair of dark feline eyes. _He must have landed back in Gimpo by now_ , he thinks, and when Ryeowook expresses his regret at not being able to say goodbye to the hyungs as they’d left while he was taking a shower, Hyukjae voices his wistful thoughts out loud, too.

“It’d be great if all the members were here.”

***

The director claps his hands and gives them a permission to take a short break, and Hyukjae doesn’t waste any time shaking the jacket off his shoulders and pushing the garment to the awaiting hands of a stylist instantly appearing by his side. They’ve only finished the first four takes of their Otra Vez music video shoot, and he’s already sweating. He turns away from Siwon and Donghae – the ones he’s been sharing the scene with – and walks over to Jongwoon, who’s left his spot on the side where he’s been staying out of the frame, and is now taking a seat on a block table nearby.

As he approaches the man, Hyukjae drinks in the enticing, smoky eyes, the sandy hair curling at the nape and the way the lean muscles are stretching the chequered fabric of Jongwoon’s trousers tight on his spread thighs, and he has to fight off a strong urge to step between those long legs, grab a handful of that soft hair, push him down on top of the pile of clothes on that table and just _devour_ him.

 _Argh_. If Hyukjae has to suffer from this unbidden desire for much longer, it will one day be the death of him, he just knows it.

“I’m dying,” he says and gratefully takes the uchiwa fan his hyung proffers him. It has a picture of Jongwoon on it. Hyukjae almost snorts out loud at the irony of having to cool himself off with the image of the very person he partly blames for his current agony.

“You look really hot,” Jongwoon smiles sympathetically, then realises his words could have a double meaning and awkwardly corrects himself. “I mean, you look _like_ you’re hot. Not that I’m saying you aren’t also… But. You know." He clears his throat. "Your hair is getting a little bit sweaty at the ends. It’s nothing to worry about though, it’s barely noticeable. You look good. I watched that last take, you danced really well.”

He seems to be regretting his words as soon as he's uttered them, because he cringes and starts playing with his sleeve.

Hyukjae stares.

After a moment of silence, Jongwoon glances up at him through his lashes and opens his mouth as if he’s about to add something, but at that moment, the crew filming the behind the scenes video interrupts him. Hyukjae steps back a bit, giving them room. He fans himself and looks on as Jongwoon starts explaining his concept for the day.

They don’t have time to talk again before they are both called back in order to the shoot to continue.

The whole day, Hyukjae’s so hyperaware of Jongwoon it’s almost ridiculous. Even when they’re not right next to each other, he only has to hear his hyung’s voice from somewhere behind and his eyes are already involuntarily moving there, following the man around.

 _To be completely honest, though_ , Hyukjae admits to himself, _this has become more or less a given these days_. It’s not like he doesn’t usually spot Jongwoon right away, wherever they are. It’s as if he’s so attuned and drawn to the man that he can easily find him even in the thickest of crowds and know exactly where he happens to be in a room at any given time.

Because he’s always watching Jongwoon these days, he’s also lately become aware of something that he already had an inkling of years and years ago, but always persuaded himself to ignore before as he believed the whole thing to be impossible, a fabrication of his foolish mind. But it’s undeniable now.

The truth is that sometimes, Jongwoon’s watching him, too.

Hyukjae’s desperate to find out, what this means.

His heart keeps whispering him things. No matter how much he scolds himself and calls himself delusional or pathetic, it stubbornly refuses to give up the bud of hope threatening to bloom inside him once again.

Some days, when he turns his head and finds Jongwoon looking at him, his hyung’s eyes are sad and conflicted, as if he’s fighting some internal battle and – by the looks of it – losing miserably. Other days, the way he looks at Hyukjae almost resembles a jewelry appraiser inspecting a rare, precious gem, and he feels himself growing hot and restless under the intense gaze.

During this alternated staring contest of theirs, Hyukjae has noticed something else, too.

Although everything seems to be otherwise back to normal, Jongwoon still often seems more subdued than usual – and he’s eating less again. In the spring it wasn’t as evident, but by the summer his lips had turned so pale even Momoland members had remarked on it while paying a visit to their show. And now, as they’re descending towards late autumn, the thinness of his arms and the protruding collarbones are simply impossible to ignore.

Hyukjae’s been trying to make Jongwoon eat by loudly drawing attention to the matter, almost making a joke out of it, but in actuality, he’s concerned.

Whenever Jongwoon’s dieting goes overboard, it’s usually a coping mechanism for dealing with something that’s deeply bothering him. Hyukjae can only try and guess, what the hyung is punishing himself for this time around by not eating.

Whatever it is, he wishes he was somehow able to take away all the unnecessary pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've already finished writing some chapters ahead (and I can't wait to hear your guys' opinions on them), but there's still a chapter or two to be written and posted in between before we get to those. However, after struggling for a bit, I'm finally getting back into the groove of writing and I'm excited about the things that are coming up, so I think it's pretty safe to say updates should be much more regular from now on.
> 
> Also, although it's not part of the story but is still linked to this era... here, have a bonus Yesung getting seemingly excited (:D) about the prospect of Hyukjae taking off his clothes:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omPBYIb1Je4 (6:45-6:58)
> 
> and a bonus Hyukjae getting jealous over Yesung's fanboy:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UX3kJvIe2Q (11:00 onwards)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzc1ENiTnzk (till 0:55)  
> I love that the text actually says he's jealous XD


	15. 2019, part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyukjae flies to Japan for a day, some things get confirmed, and Jongwoon has to learn a new dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand we've finally arrived to the year 2019. Strap yourselves in, people, because the ride is going to get interesting! ;)
> 
> Moments behind this chapter:
> 
> Eunhyuk being supportive af and flying to Tokyo for Yesung's solo concert  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXQvxOvPnsI
> 
> D&E taking part in a song For Dream and Eunhyuk being in the VCR for Yesung's concert  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6weZjUa5UE  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUic4fDhWqU
> 
> Eunhyuk being so disappointed by Yesung not coming to a D&E concert that he had to mention it on Idol Radio  
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/123426 (01:04:35)
> 
> Yesung being there for their Music Bank appearance  
> https://www.instagram.com/p/BwbwMmMlRZw/?igshid=1sisfonkuys54
> 
> Yesung's cute looks during Pink Magic era (and the whole album itself - if you haven't listened to Parallel Lines yet, DO IT)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tel9LEfAzwI
> 
> Yesung supporting Eunhyuk at Fuerza Bruta  
> https://twitter.com/shfly3424/status/1151890580701470720  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFYJDHCGz4o (3:08)
> 
> KRY dance performance on SS8  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXDYysWZEXI  
> and Yesung breakdancing  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy2y6uE1sMA (01:00)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DU5D78zXcew (3:05)

Hyukjae finishes a phone call with the managers and punches the air victoriously. They’ve given him the green light. They’re going to sneak him in. “Don’t tell him I’m coming, though. I want it to be a surprise.”

They had promised to keep it a secret.

He books the flights right away, using his own money instead of company’s and informs his personal manager he’ll be returning the same day, so he doesn’t need to worry. He’ll be back in time for his own event the next day.

He only starts doubting himself when he’s already on the plane. _What the heck am I doing? I’m like a lovesick puppy, running after him on a whim_. He lands in Tokyo and spends the extra couple of hours before the concert walking about the city and taking pictures. When he eventually gets to the venue, meets with a manager outside and is escorted to Jongwoon’s dressing room, he feels somewhat nervous and foolish.

His hyung is still in the hair & makeup and will be with him shortly, he’s told. And so he sits himself down on a chair and _waits_.

Jongwoon doesn’t see him at first as he walks in, too busy getting ready for his concert to notice the new person in the room. Hyukjae looks at him, heart thumping against his ribcage, and _hueh hueh_ s quietly.

Jongwoon stops in his tracks and his head snaps towards the sound so quickly he might’ve strained a muscle.

“Hyukjae?” He recognizes the gummy smile visible beneath the peak of a Balenciaga cap. “Hyukjae!”

All Hyukjae’s previous doubts vanish when his hyung almost knocks his chair over in his rush to pull him up into his arms. He staggers, clings on and laughs, delighted. And Jongwoon hugs him, and keeps hugging him, and whispers: “I love you. So. Much,” in his ear, and although he probably means it as a friend – _of course he has to mean it as a friend_ – Hyukjae’s heart skips a beat. He draws back a bit, and they just look at each other at arm’s length for a while, happiness dancing in their eyes. A deep dimple has appeared on Jongwoon’s chin, the very one that only becomes visible when he’s smiling the widest.

Hyukjae would be hard pushed to remember the last time he’s seen his hyung look so elated.

Jongwoon seems to snap out of the spell first and he glances at the smiling faces around them, cheeks slightly flushed underneath his show makeup. “You’re really here.” He sounds astonished. “When did you arrive? I didn’t see you before.”

“I flew in just now. I haven’t been in Tokyo for more than three hours.”

“Have you eaten yet? You must be hungry. We just had dinner and there’s plenty of leftovers, you can have the rest.” And he hovers over him like a happy little cloud while Hyukjae eats, smiling in unconcealed joy whenever their eyes meet.

“I had to come and see my own performances live, didn’t I?” says Hyukjae, chewing his food.

“Your own…? Ah, you mean For Dream and the VCR.”

“Yes. Best parts of the show.”

“Yah!” Jongwoon hits him gently on the head and then grins widely. “Thank you for doing those with me, though. And for coming here although I know you’re really busy.” He gets a bit misty-eyed. “I think this might be the nicest thing anybody’s ever done to me.”

Hyukjae looks at him and swallows down a mouthful of soup and the unknown emotion constricting his throat.

“You’re welcome, hyung.”

***

Jongwoon can’t make it to either of the D&E comeback opening concerts in Seoul, and when he calls to let Hyukjae know, he sounds disappointed. But nobody is as disappointed as Hyukjae, who can’t help mentioning it on Idol Radio a couple of days after, still feeling the sting keenly. He jokes about it but he truly is a bit hurt, despite Jongwoon’s reasons for not attending being valid.

The hyung redeems himself by coming to support him and Donghae on Music Bank. As they’re all leaving the venue and Hyukjae waves goodbye to Jongwoon and Jongjin with both hands, soft smile on his face, Donghae observes him quietly.

He brings it up in the car while they’re waiting for their manager to sort out some things with the organizers and drive them home. “So… You like Yesung-hyung?”

“Of course I like him, Donghae,” Hyukjae says, distracted by Jongwoon sending him messages and kissy emojis on his phone. He smiles dreamily at something his hyung has just said. “What kind of question is that?”

“No, I mean…” Donghae falters but ploughs on, “you _like_ like him?

Hyukjae freezes mid-typing, almost dropping his phone. _You’re so annoyyuuiiiioopp_ , reads his next message to Jongwoon as his thumb keeps accidentally pressing the letters. “What are you saying?” he whispers.

“You know exactly, what." Donghae sighs. "Let’s cut the pretence, shall we? I can practically see the hearts in your eyes whenever he’s near.”

Hyukjae’s eyes are as wide as saucers.

“I’ve never seen you this dedicated to anybody in your life. You actually flew to Japan and back for Yesung-hyung, just for a day. And you’re always either talking about him or texting him when you’re apart. See, you’re even doing it now!” Donghae chuckles. “ _You like him_.” He seems to register the sudden panic crossing Hyukjae’s face, because he places his hand on his forearm and squeezes reassuringly. “And it’s fine, hyung. Completely fine.”

Hyukjae’s shoulders sag in relief.

Of course.

Of course he knows already. Of course he accepts him. They may not be brothers by blood, but by connection of souls, they definitely are.

He can trust Donghae.

“Even if I did…” he starts, dry tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth. He swallows and tries again. “Even if I did, it’d be pointless. Wouldn’t it? He doesn’t like me that way.”

It’s Donghae’s turn to widen his eyes.

“Are you kidding me right now?” He buries his head in his hands, as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing. Then he looks at his friend again. “ _Eunhyukie_. Yesung-hyung likes you. Adores you, really. I’m sure of it. He's always looking at you like you hung the moon.”

Hyukjae feels very lost. “ _What_? Since when?”

“Surely you must have noticed you’ve been his number one ever since we were just kids?! He loves us all, but there’s no denying you’ve always been special to him.”

“What are you talking about?” Hyukjae’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“I can’t believe this.” Donghae pushes his shoulder none too gently, almost annoyed. “How blind can a person be? I should’ve said something before. I didn’t, because I thought it was so _obvious_ there’s no way you could’ve missed it. With the way you two always kept flirting, I was sure you already knew.” He thinks for a few seconds. “But then it never seemed to go beyond that, despite him being so clearly in love with you, so I figured maybe I’d been mistaken in my observations and you just weren’t actually interested in him. And I think he came to the same conclusion, too. But now-”

“Hold up. He doesn’t _love_ me, Donghae. He doesn’t. Not like that, anyway.” Hyukjae finds it impossible to believe. He’d _know_ if Jongwoon had feelings beyond friendship for him. Wouldn’t he? “And what do you mean he thinks I’m not interested? I’ve always paid so much attention to him, I thought it was as clear as day that I like him. If anything, I’ve had to make an effort to hide it!”

Donghae looks at him – half amused, half condescending. “With due respect, hyung, teasing someone and calling them ugly to show you like them might work in kindergarten, but when you’re in your thirties, it’s hardly the best method to use any more. I know this... this Tom and Jerry duo thing is your dynamic and you both like it, but I doubt he realises it’s also your way of flirting.” His smile softens as he sees Hyukjae’s expression. “Don’t look so forlorn, buddy. It’s not too late yet.”

“You said yourself he thinks I’m not interested.”

The manager opens the door and gets in. Dashboard light washes the interior of the car yellowish.

Donghae reaches for his seatbelt and fastens it. “He might do, yes. But then you just have to convince him otherwise, don’t you?”

Hyukjae's phone screen lights up with a new message from Jongwoon:

 _Annoyyuuiiiioopp??_ 🙄

***

Jongwoon drops his third solo EP, Pink Magic.

When Hyukjae sees his new concept look for the first time, he thinks Jongwoon with his pink, soft curls might be the cutest thing he’s ever laid his eyes on. The man looks like a beautiful fairy, only wings are missing.

(Old habits die hard, and that’s why he tells Jongwoon he rather reminds him of a garden gnome. When the man curses at him, Hyukjae smiles, smitten. _Oh, Aesong_.)

He has to pretend to have dust stuck in his eye while listening to the album, because he’s with people, and it’s a bit embarrassing for a grown man to be crying in public over another man’s voice. And he thinks it again, this time proud and emotional:

 _Oh, Aesong_.

***

On July, Jongwoon and Jongjin come to see Hyukjae in Fuerza Bruta. He treats them to a dinner after.

“This is nice,” Jongwoon sighs contentedly and leans back on his seat. They’re in a secluded corner of the restaurant, away from any prying eyes. “Three of us together, just like in the old days. Thank you for inviting us, the show was amazing. I had a great time.” He smiles shyly. “You were brilliant, but then you always are, whatever you do.”

Hyukjae is immensely pleased, the compliment turning his ears red. It shouldn’t matter this much what his hyung thinks about his performance, but it does. “No, hyung, thank you. I always appreciate you supporting me. And Jongjin, too, of course.”

Jongwoon is quiet for a moment. He looks around, seemingly checking whether his brother is already returning from the toilet, and glances at Hyukjae nervously. “Right. About Jongjin. I’ve been meaning to say something, and now that he’s out of earshot…”

Hyukjae raises his eyebrows questioningly.

His hyung fidgets a little and steals another glance at him before opening his mouth again. “You’ve been asking to see me and Jongjin quite often lately. And it does make me very happy, so don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve been wondering… why?” At Hyukjae’s bewildered expression, he tries to clarify. “I mean, there was a time you didn’t seem to even want to come near me, but these days…” He gives an awkward little laugh and looks at Hyukjae carefully. “I’ve given it some thought, and it really can’t be _me_ you’re wanting to see whenever you ask us to spend time with you, can it?”

“What do you mean?” Hyukjae has no clue where this is going. _What the heck is he talking about_?

“Well. You’re always asking me to bring Jongjin. And I can’t help but wonder whether you’re using me as a means to get to him.” He casts his eyes downwards. “I guess what I’m trying to ask is,” he swallows, “do you… do you perhaps have a thing for my brother?”

Hyukjae stares at him, speechless.

_No way._

_No frigging way can he still be this oblivious! Oh God, Donghae was right. Why, oh why did I fall in love with someone who can be so thick when it comes to people liking him? Isn’t he supposed to be clever? Isn’t he renowned for having brilliant deduction skills_? he thinks desperately and curses Jongwoon’s lifelong and completely unfounded inferiority complex for always making him believe himself unworthy and inhibiting him from ever seeing he could be someone’s priority.

“What the… How, I mean why-“ He feels like banging his head against a wall. Repeatedly. “ _No, Yesung_. Just, _no_. I definitely don’t have a thing for _Jongjin_.”

Jongwoon puffs out a little breath of air. “Good.” He smiles, relieved. “I was worried I’d have to crush all your hopes by telling you he doesn’t swing that way.”

Hyukjae rolls his eyes towards the ceiling. “I can’t even fathom how you could look at my behaviour and come to such a conclusion. For goodness’ sake, how stupid can you be?!” And then he immediately deflates, all his annoyance leaving him at the sight of his hyung’s confused little frown.

 _Cute_.

Jongwoon seems to be struggling with whether to be insulted by his dongsaeng’s choice of words or not.

“I’m always asking you to bring Jongjin,” Hyukjae explains with overaccentuated patience, “because then you’re more likely to agree to meet me, you twit. You two are practically joined at the hip and you won’t leave your house without him.”

“Oh,” Jongwoon says. And then: “ _Oooh_ ,” as if something’s finally beginning to dawn on him.

They stare at each other.

Jongjin reappears by their side and clears his throat, making them break eye contact. And when Hyukjae looks up and sees the knowing, amused smile on Jongjin’s face as the dongsaeng shakes his head at his two hyungs fondly, he realises that at least the younger Kim brother has already fully figured it out.

***

“So,” Hyukjae says, looking at the three expectant faces in front of him. “Let’s talk about why we summoned you here. Super Show 8...” He gestures at his assistant stage directors and the head backup dancer who are sitting by his side, and smiles. “We’ve been thinking.”

“Great. I’m already worried,” Kyuhyun mutters and earns a glare from him.

“Let’s pretend I didn’t hear that. We’re going to change things up a bit for this comeback. For KRY especially.”

“Now I’m _really_ worried.”

“Shut up, Kyu.”

“Go on,” Jongwoon says, looking slightly apprehensive. “What’s _a bit_ in this case?”

“Well,” Hyukjae grins at him, “it’s… dancing.”

“Dancing?”

“Yeah. A solo dance for each KRY member. A whole new segment to the show.”

Kyuhyun holds his hands up. “Absolutely not! Are you crazy? We already have so much on our plate.”

“Lord help us.” Ryeowook looks terrified.

“Oh, please no,” says Jongwoon, looking at Hyukjae with imploring puppy eyes.

“Oh, please _yes_. Think about it. It’s going to be great – something totally unexpected and exciting!”

“But you know what we’re like. You always say I have two left feet.”

“You’ve gotten better over time.” Hyukjae smiles at Jongwoon. “And I can give you extra dance lessons if you’re worried.”

Jongwoon perks up at the promise. “Really?”

“Yeah. I’ll be monitoring your progress anyway.”

“How long have we got to practise?”

“Couple of months, starting in a few weeks. Seokchan is going to be your main trainer for this one,” he nods at the dancer. “We’re not going to make the choreographies too complicated, but there’s still quite a lot to learn. But I’ve faith in your guys. You can definitely do it.”

“We’re still learning the choreos for the whole show,” Ryeowook says, looking slightly overwhelmed.

“But you know most of the old ones already. Come on, guys, it’s going to be fun!”

“ _Funny_ , you mean. The audience is going to die laughing if we mess this up,” Kyuhyun says darkly.

***

Hyukjae makes good of his promise.

He often stays behind after everyone else’s done and it’s just KRY and their backup dancers left in the practice room, going over their individual routines and the part where all three of them join in. Hyukjae observes and helps out where necessary.

Surprisingly, everything seems to be coming together rather nicely.

One evening, he sits on the floor and looks on as Jongwoon keeps going over a part of the choreography by himself, his two backup dancers having gone out to get some food and catch a much needed break, leaving the two of them alone for a bit.

“Yesung. Have you given any thought to your freestyling bit yet? What would you like to do?”

Jongwoon faces him, slightly out of breath. “I have. I thought maybe I could do some B-Boying.”

“Breakdance?” Hyukjae’s tone has Jongwoon frowning a bit.

“Yeah. Why? Don’t you think I can do it? I’ve done it before.”

“No, I… That’s a good idea, actually.” He laughs. “Really good. Let’s do it!”

Jongwoon smiles and turns around, continuing his practice. “Mind you, I tried it yesterday and I have to warn you I might break my back in the process.”

Hyukjae snorts. “Not as agile as you used to be, eh? I’m not surprised, considering your old age.”

Jongwoon narrows his eyes at him through the mirror. “May I remind you you’re only two years younger than me.”

“Yes, but my body is still like a 25-year-old’s. Whereas yours…”

“Yah. You don’t even believe that yourself. I can hear your bones creaking when you move around,” he teases, grinning. “And my body is fine, thank you very much.”

“Prove it,” Hyukjae says, flirting inconspicuously, and gets up from the floor. He walks up to Jongwoon, reaches around and stops him by placing his hands on his upper thighs, virtually back hugging him.

He tuts disapprovingly.

“Smoothly, Aesongie, smoothly. It's supposed to be somewhat robotic, but don’t jerk your leg like that, make the motion more fluid. Come on now, you can do better,” he admonishes gently, hooking his chin over Jongwoon’s left shoulder.

After correcting both his arm and leg position, his right hand travels up towards his hyung’s waist to guide him to the next part in the choreography, but the hem of Jongwoon’s loose t-shirt gets caught on his wrist watch, riding up, and suddenly his fingers are touching bare skin – dangerously low on Jongwoon’s abdomen, right over the jut of his hip bone.

For a second or two they just stand there together, Jongwoon’s back against Hyukjae’s chest, their eyes meeting each other silently through the mirror wall in front of them.

Hyukjae’s hand stays where it is.

When his middle finger moves a little, stroking the silkiness underneath, it’s completely instinctive. And although Jongwoon’s response to his touch is also clearly involuntary and so minuscule that you could easily miss it, Hyukjae is still able to detect it: can feel how his breath quickens and his body leans back a little, pressing even closer to him.

Jongwoon closes his eyes briefly, takes a deep breath and then starts going through the routine again, movements slow and deliberate, Hyukjae following along.

He’s dancing in his dongsaeng’s embrace.

Once he gets to the end, Jongwoon turns his face towards him, their foreheads so close together that strands of his hair are touching Hyukjae’s.

“Like that?” he murmurs, voice low and husky, and Hyukjae’s throat feels very dry.

“Yeah, just like that,” he whispers and watches up close, transfixed, as the tip of Jongwoon’s tongue peeks out between his teeth and wets his lips.

The door behind them opens, signalling the dancers’ return, but Hyukjae’s hand is still slow to leave Jongwoon’s skin. And when it does, when he finally takes a step back and releases him, their eyes meet again in the mirror and Hyukjae can see that the flustered expression on his hyungs face, the flushed cheeks and the hunger in his gaze are very much matching the ones of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorryyyy!  
> I promise the moment will come when they don't get interrupted.
> 
> ... Eventually.  
> *insert evil laughter*


	16. 2019, part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jongwoon appears in the wrong place at the wrong time, Hyukjae needs to clear up some misunderstandings, and mommy Leeteuk is more observant than one might think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I _finally_ found some time to write and as a result, I've finished not one, but three next chapters, yay! That means I'll be uploading the other two hopefully some time next week (as soon as I've had time to proofread them first). In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this one! <3
> 
> There's sooooo many moments behind this chapter (like, hundreds), and it's once again totally impossible to list them all here... But here's some of them (alternatively, just go through Yehyuk Pic/CucarachaElf timelines on Twitter :P)
> 
> SuJu preparing for Super Show 8  
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/156020 (1:30, 3:13-3:54) ~ https://www.vlive.tv/video/156021 (0:00-1:48)
> 
> Hyukjae wearing Suel ring given by Yesung  
> https://twitter.com/dalnimsneck/status/1225415006386130944 ~ https://twitter.com/yehyukpic/status/1281368968310198273  
> (He also seems to be wearing a very similar ring on Weekly Idol ep 463, but I'm not quite sure it's Suel ring because he's wearing it on his ring finger, not his pinkie.)
> 
> Many little things from the latter half of the year 2019, like for example...  
> https://twitter.com/CucarachaElf/status/1233460193004081157 ~ https://twitter.com/jsa_issoreal/status/1244665748863107076 ~ https://twitter.com/yehyukpic/status/1274639113921101824 ~ https://twitter.com/yehyukpic/status/1280633079292407812 ~ https://twitter.com/CucarachaElf/status/1199553158932025344 ~ https://twitter.com/carolip1028/status/1198538420768784389 ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vX1bfAENFRU (9:30)
> 
> And that BKK backhug  
> https://twitter.com/yehyukpic/status/1268801809793134592 ~ https://twitter.com/CucarachaElf/status/1198694657733091329 ~ https://twitter.com/CucarachaElf/status/1198793051281469440

It becomes their thing.

As Super Show 8 gets underway, it provides them with an opportunity to steal a moment for themselves amidst all the preparations. The executive director and one of his main stars, going over a thing or another before the concert in order to deliver a flawless performance for their audience later – _what a perfect excuse_.

It’s not that Hyukjae doesn’t do it with other members, too. Sometimes, he spots something slightly amiss during a rehearsal and calls the member in question aside for a quick review.

Still, he usually ends up calling one particular name.

_Yesung-hyung, come here for a sec. I think we should go through that one bit again…_

_Yesung, that was really good, but…_

_Yesung, I noticed…_

_Yesung-hyung, would you like to…_

_Yesung, do you have any questions about…_

And Jongwoon – well, as it happens, he _always_ does have questions. He’s _always_ more than willing to follow him to a less crowded corner of their dressing room, to an empty side of the stage, to a vacant storage room and practise.

Sometimes it’s needed. Most of the time, it’s not. But it isn’t quite necessary for them to place their hands on various parts of each other’s bodies during rehearsal so often, either, and yet they do that, too.

It never fails to make their pulses quicken. It never fails to make them smile.

After one notably tactile session which leaves Jongwoon flushed, Hyukjae’s hands shaking and the air between them sizzling with electricity, Siwon comes and nudges Hyukjae with a mischievous glint in his eye.

“It’s admirable how dedicated you two are to your craft, truly... But with all this extra guidance you’ve been giving Yesung-hyung lately, should we be worried about his suddenly deteriorated dancing skills?”

“Huh?”

Before Hyukjae has had time to decipher the meaning of his words and respond accordingly, Leeteuk catches Siwon’s eye from the other side of the room. He shakes his head, narrowing his eyes sternly, and makes a throat cutting gesture that doesn’t leave room for misinterpreting his message.

_Shut it, Masi. Don’t you dare to spoil it for them._

***

Jongwoon designs rings for the members in secret and hands them out before their first concert. He tells them he’d wanted to create a memento in celebration of all of them coming together after such a long time. “If you wear this for a performance, you’ll not get hurt. It’ll help you finish safely.”

They’re all surprised and touched.

Hyukjae traces the engraving on the metal surface with his fingertip.

_Thank you and love, always._

He slips the ring onto his pinkie and smiles softly at Jongwoon who keeps looking his way, seemingly anticipating his reaction the most.

Right before they’re about to step out of the dressing room and begin the show, they all gather once more in a circle for Hyukjae’s final briefing. He glances at Jongwoon once, twice – addresses the key point of his speech to him. “Have fun, and be careful not to get hurt.”

Jongwoon nods, eyes closed, beautiful features accentuated by his dark eyeshadow and silvery grey hair.

_I mean it, darling. Be safe._

They all put their hands together for a final cheer, and when that’s done and everybody else’s already turning away, two hands stay interlocked, pulling their owners back in.

Hyukjae laughs in delight.

Jongwoon keeps grasping his thumb and smiles.

***

Hyukjae takes to wearing the silver ring occasionally outside of the shows, too. Whenever he slips it on his finger, a strange feeling fills his whole being. If he had to elaborate, he’d say it resembles a sense of belonging.

To something.

To someone.

There’s a significance there he doesn’t dare to name.

***

The comeback tour and album promotions bring along a truckload of interviews.

One of the journalists, a pretty and brash little creature from a smaller magazine, seems to like Hyukjae as soon as she sees him.

He couldn’t care less.

To the great delight of some of the members and regret of one, she flirts with Hyukjae throughout the interview – and because Hyukjae doesn’t want to seem rude or egoistic, because he has to maintain the image of a Straight Hotblooded Korean Male™, and because Jongwoon sits behind him and he can’t see the expression on his face (the more she laughs at Hyukjae’s jokes, bats her fake lashes and lets her hand linger on his arm, the quieter and more withdrawn Jongwoon gets), he doesn’t turn her down straight away and even flirts back unenthusiastically a couple of times.

It turns out to be a huge mistake.

When the interview is over and they take a break before the next one, Hyukjae heads to the washroom – completely unaware that’s she’s following him down the corridor until she suddenly pulls him into one of the empty meeting rooms.

She latches onto him, pressing herself against his body and whispering seductively – telling him she’s been a fan for a long time and that they should definitely see each other later, shouldn’t they? and that she’s totally down to meet just for casual sex, too, if that’s what he’s after – and at the very same moment Hyukjae takes hold of her arms in order to regain his balance and push her away, to tell her there’s been a misunderstanding, someone else comes in and begins with a “Hey, Hyukjae, do you ha-“, the sentence getting cut off by a startled intake of air.

And just as he whirls around to look at him, simultaneously trying to get away from the journalist’s presumptuous hands, Jongwoon pales and mumbles a pained: “Forgive me, didn’t mean to disturb,” turns on his heel and heads back out.

Hyukjae still catches a glimpse of the shaken and utterly heartbroken look in his expressive eyes before the door swings shut behind him.

“Yesung? Oh, for _fuck’s sake_ \- Let go off me, woman! Yesung!”

He wrenches himself free. “You’ve got this all wrong. I was just being polite earlier. I’m not some piece of meat a total stranger can come and grope without consent. I don’t want any of the things you mentioned, and I most definitely don’t consider myself a free man. I’m already interested in someone else.”

He pulls the door open and throws her a last, warning look. “And if you dare to publish that last bit in your magazine, I’m suing you for harassment.” He leaves her alone in the room, closing the door with a bang.

He rushes after Jongwoon but his hyung is not in the corridor anymore. Hyukjae stumbles back into their interview room, his dishevelled state gaining the attention of all the members present. They all lift their eyes to him, surprised by his sudden appearance – all, except one. Jongwoon sits in the corner, head down, body angled slightly away so that he’s almost facing the wall. His hair is falling over his eyes to cover his expression, but the line of his shoulders is stiff, a clear sign to anyone that knows him that something’s bothering him.

“There’s our lover boy! How’d it go?” Shindong’s question startles Hyukjae and makes him tear his gaze away from Jongwoon.

“What?”

“Stop pretending, I saw her going after you when you left. What did she say? Or what did she do, more like, to get you looking like that?” He points at Hyukjae’s rumpled clothing.

“Why the fuck didn’t you warn me?!” Hyukjae rarely curses, but he’s far too annoyed to care about propriety now, and Shindong flinches, taken aback. “Seriously, hyung! You should’ve stopped her.”

“But why, why?”

“She just trapped me in a room and tried to have her way with me.”

“What’s this?” Leeteuk comes to their side.

“Eunhyuk-a’s upset about that journalist getting handsy with him.”

“For sure I am!” From the corner of his eye, he registers a silvery grey head slowly coming up to stare at him from the other side of the room. Hyukjae knows his every single word is attentively listened to, and it’s making him tremble a bit.

“But why? We thought you were interested in her. She was really pretty, too.”

“Was she? I didn’t notice.” He spits out those words.

“Oh, come on. Wasn’t she exactly your type?” Shindong is still confused.

“Heck, no! She was way too forward.”

Leeteuk is quiet for a while and then steals a glance at Jongwoon. “Right.” He turns to Hyukjae again and gives him a small, kind smile. “What’s your ideal type then nowadays, Eunhyuk-a? What kind of person would you like to date?” he asks innocently, returning to the table and sitting down.

“Why do you want to know?” _And why are you asking now, of all times?!_

“No reason, I‘m just interested.”

Hyukjae ponders for a moment. “Well, uh... I guess I wouldn’t mind dating someone different from me. Someone who’s maybe a bit shyer and more introverted, but would match well with me anyway. Someone kind and warm-hearted, with nice eyes and a lovely smile.”

Leeteuk nods. “Go on.”

“I think… I think they’d have to be able to endure my teasing as well. I don’t think I could be with someone who didn’t understand my humour or couldn’t measure up to me in banter.”

Shindong snorts. “So basically you’re saying you’d like to date Yesung-hyung, then?”

Hyukjae gapes. “What?” _Shit. Was it that obvious?!_

“You literally just described him.”

They all laugh like it’s the funniest joke in the world – all except Jongwoon, Hyukjae, Leeteuk and Donghae, whose eyes dart between the two first mentioned as if he’s watching a tennis match.

Hyukjae can’t bring himself to lie and deny it, doesn’t _want_ to deny it, but Kyuhyun – that rascal – does it for him. “Oh no, definitely not Yesung-hyung. Have you ever heard Eunhyukie call him anything other than undesirable, ugly and tedious?”

Everyone’s making noncommittal noises while Hyukjae stutters his objections, face falling. Kyuhyun notices and smiles innocently. “What, hyung? That’s what you’ve always said.”

On the other side of the room, Jongwoon turns away, head drooping again, and Hyukjae simply can’t take it anymore. He can’t allow others to speak for himself like this, he can’t have Jongwoon thinking they’re right in their stupid assumptions.

As soon as everyone’s attention is diverted to another topic, he sidles up to Jongwoon and addresses him quietly.

“Hyung.”

The eyes that rise to meet his are miserable and very, very serious. Hyukjae takes a deep breath.

_Be brave._

_Just this once, be brave and tell him what you really think._

“It’s not true, you know. What he said, all of that nonsense about me not finding you attractive – _it’s not true_.” And he forces himself to hold Jongwoon’s gaze, no matter how nervous he feels. “In fact,” he says and swallows, “the way I see you is completely opposite.”

Jongwoon stares at him, dumbfounded.

“And what you saw earlier in that meeting room… It really was unsought and unwanted on my side.”

Hyukjae’s courage runs out.

“Just thought I’d let you know,” he whispers, turns around and escapes to the other side of the room.

***

The change happens gradually, but it’s still noticeable.

Jongwoon grows bolder.

It’s like he’s slowly but surely coming out of his shell, becoming his true self again. Like old Jongwoon, but happier, more daring, more carefree, more initiative.

More playful.

Hyukjae can’t resist him.

When Jongwoon matches his dongsaeng’s teasing or even turns the banter up a notch, his manner full of spunk, the thrill Hyukjae feels is very real. Sometimes it leaves him a bit giggly and breathless, even in the middle of a concert.

It often goes unnoticed by other people, but there’s no mistaking how the way they place their hands on each other becomes increasingly possessive, how they seem to be inexplicably gravitating towards one another in any gathering. If somebody wants to find Jongwoon, they have to look for Hyukjae first – and vice versa. More often than not, the chances are they can be found in the same place.

Eyes find eyes, hands find hands. Light words and seemingly meaningless sentences hold deeper undertones.

Every touch becomes charged.

And the tension between them – that tension is running so high, the string pulling them together is stretched so tight, that sooner or later, something has to give.

***

They start waiting for each other in hair salons, in filming sets, in photoshoots – even if the one doing the waiting would’ve already been done and ready hours ago, himself.

They’re both just patiently waiting for the other to be ready, too.

In more aspects than one.

***

They take any excuse to ditch the company car and drive everywhere in Hyukjae’s.

They spend the rides talking about everything between the heaven and the earth, sometimes stopping by a random café to get some hot drinks in order to fight off the winter chill.

One day they park the car by the Han river and enjoy their drinks outside, leaning on the railing, side by side. Hyukjae teases Jongwoon about something and watches, charmed, as the familiar crescent eyes appear and his hyung laughs so hard that hot coffee splashes on his fingers. And naturally Hyukjae then has to take his hand and blow on the burns while a blush creeps on Jongwoon’s cheeks.

He doesn’t let go until some dogwalkers pass them by, eying them disapprovingly.

***

“I noticed you haven’t dated anybody in a while,” says Jongwoon, striving to sound casual.

“Neither have you,” replies Hyukjae.

“No, neither have I.”

They both try to act like it's a matter of no importance to them, but the look they share is so intense that it leaves Hyukjae’s heart pounding furiously and his nerves on edge.

***

They send messages to each other.

There’s nothing new about that, really. They’ve always done that.

Still, Hyukjae’s pretty sure the texts have never been this frequent.

Or this flirty.

Some of them make Hyukjae feel drunk on love. Some, so frigging _horny_ that next time he sees Jongwoon in person, it takes all of his willpower to not just jump his bones right then and there, grab him by the lapels and kiss him senseless. To claim him his.

“ _Besotted_ ,“ whispers Donghae when he sees the gleam in his friend’s eye.

Hyukjae clips him round the ear.

***

In the end of November in Bangkok, Jongwoon smiles beautifully and holds him for a fan’s polaroid picture, hand on his stomach, and Hyukjae really can’t be bothered to fake disgust and twist his face into a grimace like he’d normally do – not when he’s being embraced so tenderly from behind, not when his hyung’s presence is so warm, solid and _welcome_.

Nothing can bring his mood down that day.


	17. 2019, part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have a performance on Music Bank, and Hyukjae wants to drive Jongwoon home after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said before, I've finished this chapter and the next one already. I hope I'll be able to proofread and post the next one by the end of the week, but as I'm going to be super busy until Sunday, I'm making no promises.  
> Have a good read, everyone <3
> 
> Inspiration for this chapter:
> 
> Ryeowook's Music Bank vlog  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bTIKqN_YpI (esp. 10:35-11:43 but if you look closely, you can catch Yesung with a giant coffee cup, Yesung in a sleeveless shirt and Hyukjae following him to the stage to perform Sorry Sorry somewhere in the video, too. Two of those things have something to do with the chapter :P)
> 
> Hyukjae's solo dance break during Super Junior's Music Bank performance  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKGXZ0RPM8I (6:40)
> 
> Yesung getting pushed by a fan (Why do people have to get right up to their faces like that? 😠 Have some respect and leave them some personal space, for heaven's sake!)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCIjb19gNS0
> 
> Jerry tag on Hyukjae's suitcase on New Year's Eve  
> https://twitter.com/_hyukchu0404/status/1211864080467673089  
> 

They have a performance on Music Bank right before Christmas.

Hyukjae arrives to the KBS building at the same time with some other members and bumps into Jongwoon in the corridor outside their dressing room. His hyung’s deep in discussion with one of the managers.

“Yesungsung,” he greets, poking him in the ribs.

“Hyukjae,” answers Jongwoon, trying to wriggle away from his intruding fingers. When he doesn’t succeed, he grabs his dongsaeng’s wrists and chuckles. “Enough! You’re a nuisance, you know that?”

The manager smiles to himself – Yesung and Eunhyuk flirting and bickering again? Nothing new to see here, hardly the scoop of the day – and leaves in a quest to find a breakfast parlour that offers delivery service. Hyukjae notices the warmness of Jongwoon’s hands and the lack of any outerwear. The man’s already in flipflops.

“You look like you’ve been here for a while. What time did you arrive?”

“Around eight, I think.”

In order to stay true to his calling, the renowned Jerry must start pestering his Tom right away. “Eight?! Why were you here so early? Don’t you think about our poor managers at all?” Jongwoon’s answering eyeroll and feigned indifference only spur him on. “So inconsiderate. They must’ve had to get up before dawn today to accommodate to your schedule.”

“Why are you here so late?” counters Jongwoon. “Now they’ll have to rush to get everything ready, thanks to you.”

They look at each other with narrowed eyes, both suppressing their smiles as best they can. Hyukjae tries to convince himself that the challenge in his hyung’s gaze isn’t turning him on.

A shout from one of their managers interrupts them. “Right! Is everyone here? Come and get your mikes, people! Rehearsal in 20 minutes or as soon as Mamamoo’s finished with theirs.”

“See? You’re late,” teases Jongwoon, heading towards the dressing room and stopping on the doorstep to throw him a smirk.

Hyukjae pouts and pushes him inside.

***

After they’re done with the rehearsal, Hyukjae has some breakfast, takes a quick toilet break and then goes in search of Jongwoon again.

He finds him nodding off in a makeup chair while their hairdresser-noona is attacking some particularly persistent baby hairs in the back of his head with straighteners, trying to force them into submission. He’s already partly changed and is wearing a high-collared, sleeveless undershirt, his jacket hanging on a rack nearby.

He looks so tempting Hyukjae has to compose himself for a few seconds before he dares to approach him.

“Hyung! I can’t believe you,” he says with fake reproval, stopping by his right elbow. Jongwoon cracks open one eye and then returns to his zen state, ignoring him. “Now you’re already in your show attire and demanding her to do your hair, even though our call time isn’t until half twelve! Didn’t I just tell you to be more considerate towards our staff? Let them catch a break, for heaven’s sake.”

“Go away, dongba,” Jongwoon replies, undisturbed.

“Rude.”

“You are.” He picks up his phone and starts scrolling through his Instagram feed.

Hyukjae’s eyes travel up and down his figure appreciatively. He doesn’t even notice when his hand comes up on its own volition and starts stroking Jongwoon’s nape, fingertips buried in his hair. He only realises what he’s doing when the hairdresser slaps his hand away and gives him the stink eye for ruining her work.

At his touch, tiny goosebumps have appeared on Jongwoon’s skin.

Hyukjae doesn’t want to abandon the mission of annoying him and getting his full attention quite yet. “Really, hyung, I don’t know why you bother our poor noonas with your hair and makeup at all. It’s useless. Even with their enormous talent, it’s impossible to make someone as unattractive as you look half presentable.“

He says that, but he means the opposite – and they both know it.

Jongwoon places his phone slowly back on the makeup table and turns in his swivel chair to face him. He abandons his usual impeccable posture and slouches a little – long, elegant limbs stretched out, legs splayed so that Hyukjae is now almost standing in between them. “Is that so?” he asks in a low voice.

Hyukjae gulps. _Oh, God._

The need to touch almost overwhelms him.

“That is so.” He stares at Jongwoon’s bare, toned arms and the outline of his chest, visible through the sheer white chiffon of his top. It requires a lot of self-restraint to not let his eyes wander any lower. “Whoever it was that first decided to call you Yesex is clearly totally blin-“

Suddenly, something catches his eye and his mood changes immediately, the jest dying on his lips. He takes hold of his hyung’s forearm, turning it a bit. The older one winces.

“How did you get this?”

There’s a large bruise forming on the underside of Jongwoon’s wrist.

“An overexcited fan tried to get to Ryeowook and pushed Yesung-ssi over against a car bonnet on his way in,” hairdresser-noona explains, brows knitted together, shaking her head disapprovingly at the fan’s audacity.

“What?” Hyukjae's brows furrow in concern. A sudden need to protect rises in him and he starts patting his hyung’s body all over, checking for other injuries. “Are you ok? Are you hurt elsewhere?”

He’s seething. _How dare they._

Jongwoon stops him by taking his hands and squeezing them gently. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You look a bit peaky,” Hyukjae says, only now noticing his paleness.

“Absolutely. Nothing’s wrong with me. I’m just a bit tired, that’s all.”

“Why? You didn’t hit your head, did you? It could be a sign of concussion.” Hyukjae’s still worried.

“No, silly,” Jongwoon laughs quietly. “I hardly got any sleep last night, that’s why. I thinks I slept three hours at max. Actually, the whole week’s been quite bad, sleep-wise.” And he _does_ look very tired, now that Hyukjae’s inspecting his face more closely.

“Right.” He thinks for a moment, trying to calm himself down. “Let me do something about that.”

He leaves the room.

When he comes back in a moment later, he’s carrying a large cup of coffee, made exactly to Jongwoon’s taste. He places it wordlessly on the table in front of his hyung.

Jongwoon looks up from his phone, eyes softening at the kind gesture, and smiles thankfully at him through the mirror.

“I took my own car to get here,” Hyukjae says quietly, so that only Jongwoon can hear. “Can I drive you home later?”

“If you really want to,” replies his hyung, locking eyes with him. “It’s an awful lot of extra kilometres for you.”

“I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t. I don’t mind.”

Jongwoon smiles again. “Okay, then.”

“Good.”

Hyukjae lets his knuckles brush his bare shoulder before he retreats to the other side of the room to get his own makeup done.

***

They do the pre-recording for Sorry Sorry first. Hyukjae has a solo dance break in the middle.

He nails it.

When they come off the stage, Jongwoon stops him with a hand on his arm and leans closer, hot breath ghosting against his ear.

“That was _awesome_.”

And then, an afterthought slips out: “You’re one sexy man, Lee Hyukjae.”

***

Coffee helps Jongwoon get through most of the day.

All his remaining energy is finally starting to burn out, however, when they reach the late afternoon. Hyukjae fears he might either collapse or fall asleep on his feet, and so he finds a secluded empty room with a couch and takes Jongwoon there during their two hour break, telling him he should take a nap before they’re needed again.

Jongwoon tries to object, worried about missing their call time, but ultimately, he’s so exhausted that when he finally gives up and lays himself down, head pillowed on his dongsaeng’s lap, he’s out in a flash.

Hyukjae stays with him while he sleeps.

He threads his fingers through his hair and watches his tranquil face, a warm and possessive feeling in his chest. At one point, Jongwoon frowns a little and mutters something incoherent, clearly having a dream, and Hyukjae smiles at him fondly, once again wondering how on earth a 35-year-old man still manages to be this cute and adorable.

 _I wonder if you have any idea, how much you mean to me_? he thinks, so full of affection his heart is about to burst. _I’d make you so happy, if you only let me._

_Please let me._

***

The rest of the recording goes as smoothly as the first half. When they’re getting ready to go home, Hyukjae sits and waits for Jongwoon as his hyung finishes changing his clothes. He spends the time with Ryeowook, filming a video clip for the dongsaeng’s YouTube channel.

Jongwoon joins them once he’s all done. There’s a lot of room left for him on the couch, but he chooses to seat himself right next to Hyukjae and lean on him, his manner so open and relaxed that nobody bats an eyelid.

Not a big deal. Just two friends, casually lounging together.

_Not an inch between them._

Hyukjae’s reminded of the way he himself pressed close to Jongwoon while a manager took pictures of them at his hyung’s solo concert in March. It wasn’t a question of lack of space back then, either. There really was no need for them to squeeze themselves quite so close together.

There never is, but it seems somebody forgot to tell them that. And this is how they’ve always preferred to sit anyway: in each other’s personal space, side by side, sometimes slinging an arm around the other’s shoulders, sometimes resting an elbow on their bent knee.

Pleasant.

Comfortable.

_Secretly thrilling._

Ryeowook is still vlogging when they finally get up and collect their belongings.

“Let’s go?” asks Hyukjae, searching for his car keys in his pocket.

“Yes,” answers Jongwoon, and they head out.

They miss the way Shindong’s eyebrows shoot up at their joined departure. He voices his confusion out loud. “Why are Eunhyuk-a and Yesung-hyung leaving together _again_? They don’t even live in the same direction.”

Teukkie-hyung simply shrugs and smiles angelically, hoping to look convincingly unknowing.

***

Hyukjae stops by a fast food chain drive-thru and orders them soft serve.

Jongwoon looks at him suspiciously. “Why did you get us these? You don’t even like ice cream. Are you trying to fatten me up or something?”

“You caught me – I am indeed. Just in time for Christmas. And then I’m going to turn you into my holiday feast and eat you up.”

Jongwoon purses his lips, turning away to hide his amused smile.

Hyukjae takes a detour to one of his favourite scenic spots and they spend half an hour there, watching the sunset and eating their ice creams. They both get a brain freeze.

“What a brilliant idea, having ice cream in December,” Jongwoon complains, teeth chattering.

“Hush. You liked it,” says Hyukjae, but turns the heating up in the car anyway.

***

It’s fully dark when they finally pull up outside Jongwoon’s home.

“Will you be going to your parents’ house for Christmas?” inquires the hyung.

“Yeah.”

“So we’re not going to see each other for two weeks?”

“That’s right.” Hyukjae tries not to feel too upset by that. They’ve been separated for weeks before, they can manage. _Probably_. “What day are you guys flying to Taipei?”

“KRY? On the 30th.”

“Me and Donghae are coming on the 31st on a morning flight. I envy you, you’ve more time to prepare on the location than us.”

“Why didn’t they book us on the same flight?”

“Donghae’s recording for a show that night.”

“Oh.” Jongwoon’s eyes are unfocused as he stares silently out of the car window. Then he turns to Hyukjae again. “Well. I- I should go now. It’s getting late, and I wouldn’t want to keep you.”

He’s quiet for a while again before continuing. “I’d ask you in, “he says regretfully, “but Jongjin…” He lets the rest of his sentence dissipate in the air and Hyukjae nods, understanding the hidden meaning.

Jongwoon tries to open his seatbelt, unsuccessfully. “Have a good Christmas. Tell your eomma and appa I said hi. And Sora, of course.” He presses on the buckle repeatedly. “Uh, Hyukjae. This is stuck again.”

“Oh, no. I’m sorry, it keeps doing that.”

“ _I know_. Didn’t you say you were going to get it fixed last time?”

“I haven’t had time.” He watches his hyung struggle for a while and then reaches over. “Let me.” His warm hands cover Jongwoon’s smaller, colder ones.

The stubborn buckle finally yields but neither retracts their hands.

Slowly, Hyukjae lifts his gaze – and Jongwoon’s _right there_. Gorgeous eyes huge in the dim light of the street lamp outside, looking at him with such nervous and hopeful expectation that for a moment, Hyukjae forgets how to breathe. Lips slightly open, the shape of his cupid’s bow so beautiful and tempting that all Hyukjae wants is to capture it between his own lips and _taste_.

It’d be so easy.

Just a fraction of movement, just the tiniest change in the angle, and they’d be kissing.

Hyukjae has never wanted anything as much in his life.

He almost does it.

His hand is travelling up Jongwoon’s right arm to pull him closer and he’s already leaning over to bridge the gap of those few remaining centimetres between their faces, when a car comes around the corner and stops in front of them on the other side of the road, the headlights flooding the inside of Hyukjae’s car with a blinding light.

They groan and blink, drawing back and trying to see each other through the bright and colourful rings of light dancing in their fields of vision.

On the other side of the street, Jongwoon’s neighbours start unloading stuff from their car.

Hyukjae wishes he was a more courageous man.

He wishes he was brave enough to just grab Jongwoon and kiss him, the headlights creating a spotlight for them and Jongwoon’s neighbours be damned, but alas – he’s not. Not yet.

And so he just looks at his hyung resignedly, hoping that a least some of his emotions are conveyed through his eyes.

Jongwoon seems to understand. He opens the car door, picks up his bag with one hand, presses the other on Hyukjae’s thigh for support and leans towards him. “Happy Christmas,” he whispers. “See you in Taiwan.” And he presses his lips against his dongsaeng’s temple for a fleeting second.

The door slams shut, and he’s gone.

Hyukjae stares after him for a long moment, hand hovering in the air between the two seats, right where it had belatedly tried and failed to grasp Jongwoon’s arm and pull him straight back in. Then his head falls against the steering wheel with a soft thud and he lets out an utterly frustrated groan.

The neighbours stare at him curiously when he finally starts the car and drives away.

***

He spends the Christmas break pining after Jongwoon and bothering Donghae with late night calls. By the beginning of the second week, ridiculous doubts have started to consume him again.

“… and I’m not so sure he likes me at all anymore. He didn’t even call me today.”

“He called you two times yesterday.”

“ _Yes_ , but they were very short calls, not his usual style at all. He hung up before I even had time to start _hueh_ ing at him, like I always do.”

He can practically see Donghae’s eyeroll on the other end of the line. “Oh, dear. That changes everything. He clearly hates you.”

“Stop it, I’m serious.” He remembers something. “Yesungie told me he’d seen a rerun of some old TV show where I was guesting and he said I looked very hot in it.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Not as such. I know he fancies me, I’ve gathered that much. But what if _all_ he feels for me is desire, and nothing more? What if all he’s looking for is a friends with benefits -type of situation?”

Donghae sighs.

“We’ve been through this so many times, Eunhyukie. You two are acting like boyfriends already, you’re just not acknowledging it. _Trust me_ – he’s in love with you. Now stop your nonsensical worrying and let me go to sleep.”

***

In the morning of New Year’s Eve, Hyukjae wakes up far too early for his liking – _not a single human being should have to be up at this hour_ – takes a quick shower and then drags his feet to the kitchen to check that all his luggage is packed properly and he hasn’t forgotten anything too important.

It’s quiet in the dorms, Kyuhyun having left with Yongsun-manager on an evening flight to Taiwan last night. Hyukjae wishes D&E could’ve travelled on the same flight with KRY yesterday, instead of having to now wake up before four in the morning just to reach the very same destination.

Well. At least he’s going to see Jongwoon tonight and welcome the new decade with him.

He makes himself a passable breakfast and nibbles on it unenthusiastically, listening to the clock ticking on the wall.

As he waits for the managers to come pick him up and bring him to the airport, he sits by the kitchen table and toys with a Jerry tag somebody once gave him as a present. Eventually he gets up, retrieves his suitcase and clips the tag on.

He stares at the little trinket and tries not to think too much about its implications. He tells himself that such a small gesture really can’t be as meaningful as he feels – hopes it goes unnoticed that Jerry is one half of a duo.

That Jerry simply doesn’t exist alone.

_That a Jerry always belongs to a Tom._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides in shame under a rock from all the furious people who just got robbed of a kiss, once again* 🙈


	18. 2019, part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the last day of the year 2019, Hyukjae and Jongwoon meet in Taiwan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to participate in the ongoing Yehyuk week, but I simply don't have time to write anything extra.  
> However, I've loved all the art and pics and stories a lot, and I'm sooo thankful to all of you who've been contributing so far!  
> (Excluding those few little shits who decided to write angst and succeeded in making me cry on the first day already - you know who you are! 😤  
> ... Just kidding, I loved those stories as well 🥰)  
> Yesung's contribution was a bonus, too, wasn't it? 😜
> 
> This chapter was inspired by:
> 
> Eunhyuk's IG update and Yesung's comment on it  
> https://www.instagram.com/p/B6ukDwclqJV/?igshid=11vtxvvjbsljf
> 
> Ryeowook's vlog from Taiwan  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEOKbbKXjPw (esp. 21:20, 27:00)
> 
> Yesung's IG live  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_Sk59V9ay4
> 
> Donghae's IG live  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBYMrZ0ywnU

Before he leaves his hotel room in Taipei, Hyukjae takes a mirror selfie and posts it on Instagram. A couple of minutes later, his phone buzzes to notify him he’s received a comment from someone he follows. He spits out the toothpaste, rinses his mouth and the toothbrush and leaves the bathroom to retrieve the phone from the bedside table. Underneath his new picture, there’s a comment from ‘yesung1106’.

_Dongba, where are you?_

He opens his DMs and taps on Jongwoon’s icon.

> _/Eunhyuk/:_  
>  Off to rehearsal now. U?
> 
> _/Yesung/:_  
>  Just arrived at Taoyuan.  
>  So cold and windy here 🥶  
>  I’m actually freezing, worried about the live singing later.
> 
> _/Eunhyuk/:_  
>  Aww, hyung.  
>  I’m sure you’ll kill it, as always.  
>  I’d keep you warm if I was there 😉
> 
> _/Yesung/:_  
>  And how’d u do that?
> 
> _/Eunhyuk/:_  
>  I’d fit us both inside my jacket 😘
> 
> _/Yesung/:_  
>  😳  
>  Stop it.  
>  I need to concentrate.
> 
> _/Eunhyuk/:_  
>  😁
> 
> _/Yesung/:_  
>  Kyu out for drinks with manager later, me and Ryeonggu ordering food in tonight.  
>  You and Donghae wanna join?  
>  We’re thinking burgers.
> 
> _/Eunhyuk/:_  
>  Count me in. I’ll ask Donghae, too. Pretty sure he’ll say yes.
> 
> _/Yesung/:_  
>  Great. Good luck tonight 👍 See u later ❤️
> 
> _/Eunhyuk/:_  
>  Same to u. Fighting! See u ❤️

Suddenly, there are butterflies in his stomach.

The night couldn’t come fast enough.

***

Much, much later when he and Donghae are on their way back to the hotel, Hyukjae finally has time to check his phone and turn the silent mode off.

As he unlocks the phone, a notification pops up telling him Jongwoon’s started a live on Instagram. Hyukjae scrambles to find his earphones and plug them in as quickly as he can, hoping he hasn’t missed all of it yet.

He manages to catch the latter half of the live.

He clutches his phone and watches as his hyung plays with the filters and wishes everyone a very happy new year. After a couple of weeks of not being able to meet him in person, even seeing his face through a screen feels like a punch to the gut.

He’s sure he wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off Jongwoon right now even if the world around him suddenly caught fire.

_So damn handsome._

He listens to his low and soothing voice, all the while getting more and more anticipatory, the need to see him again so intense that there’s almost a physical pain in his chest.

 _Soon_ , he thinks, fidgeting impatiently in his seat.

As the car rolls to a stop in front of the hotel’s front doors, Hyukjae sends Jongwoon a text to let him know they’re back now, jumps out and heads to his room to remove his makeup and change into more comfortable clothes.

_Soon._

***

“Where are we going to eat? Changjoo-manager’s room?”

They’re standing in the corridor. Donghae has finished a live stream of his own and is looking at Hyukjae and Ryeowook questioningly.

“Well, we were supposed to, yes, but apparently there’s a small meeting room couple of floors below. Changjoo-ya’s reserved it for us until one-thirty, there’s a bigger table there.”

They head towards the lifts.

“Wait, shouldn’t we fetch Yesung-hyung first? He was washing up when I left his room,” Donghae says, stopping in his tracks.

“He just texted me saying he’s already there. The food’s arrived.”

“The food..? But I thought everybody’s bringing their own?” He brandishes a paper bag with a burger chain’s logo on it.

”Changjoo ordered steak for us, too,” Hyukjae replies and smiles at the woman manning the lift. “Evening.”

“Happy new year,” Donghae greets the lady in Chinese. “Floor 2, please.”

When they arrive to the correct floor, Hyukjae trails behind Donghae and Ryeowook and peeks through the door to the meeting room.

There’s projectors and whiteboards and a long, bulky table with chairs on both sides in the middle, and then there’s _Jongwoon_ – sitting by himself at the far end, looking at something on his phone. Like his dongsaengs, he’s ditched his formal clothes and changed into a loose black t-shirt and baggy grey shorts, his face bare and his hair a fluffy mess. He looks absolutely adorable, and Hyukjae’s heart starts hammering wildly as soon as he sees him.

He steps in.

As he approaches the table, he waits for his hyung to look up and notice him, so nervous of what his reaction’s going to be that he’s almost holding his breath.

The dark head rises, their eyes meet over Donghae’s shoulder, and Jongwoon’s face lights up with a brilliant smile.

“Dongba! _Finally_.”

And he says it with such an obvious joy – with such an enormous _relief_ – that Hyukjae can’t mistake the meaning behind it.

 _Jongwoon’s been missing him_ – evidently just as much as Hyukjae has missed him these past few weeks.

And when they’re suddenly no longer able to look each other straight in the eye – both overcome with strong and unexpected shyness and blushing furiously like some infatuated teenage girls – Hyukjae feels like the veil obscuring his view has abruptly been lifted, and he’s at last seeing everything clearly.

As they’re forced to avert their gazes and lower their heads in order to conceal the instantaneous shine in their eyes and the involuntary and irresistible grins spreading on their faces, Hyukjae realises, right then and there, that he hasn’t been imagining any of it – that all his hopes and impressions have been justifiable and correct, all his doubts and fears silly and needless.

That it’s not just sexual attraction or plain friendship Jongwoon feels for him, but something deeper, something more profound.

That he should’ve trusted Donghae – should’ve never doubted his judgement in the first place – because that bloody genius’s been right about them all along.

That he _really, really_ should’ve listened to his own gut and heart when they were both telling him he has a chance.

 _Yesung likes me_ , he thinks and grips Donghae’s arm so hard that his friend lets out a small, pained yelp. “Ouch, hyung! What the heck?”

_He actually frigging likes me!_

Hyukjae feels ecstatic.

He wishes he could just scream at the top of his lungs right now – wishes he could shout his happiness from the rooftops – but instead, he settles for slipping quietly into the chair next to Jongwoon’s and dragging it closer, glancing at the man from the corner of his eye and flashing him a warm, doting smile.

“Hi, hyung. Good to see you.” He can’t help sounding a bit shaky.

“Hi, Hyukj-a,” answers Jongwoon, and his voice isn’t quite stable, either. “How have you been?”

“Fine. All the better now,” he replies, and his hyung doesn’t miss the obvious implication.

His thigh is very warm next to Hyukjae’s.

It feels like there’s an electric current running between them whenever their bare arms brush. Jongwoon holds out the utensils for him, and Hyukjae thanks him and tries to pick them up - but only ends up fumbling and dropping them all on the table with a loud clatter when their fingers accidentally touch.

He doesn’t even fully register it when the food is laid out in front of him and he starts mechanically pushing it into his mouth.

Under the table, hidden from everybody’s sight, he presses his leg against Jongwoon’s.

When the older one reacts by shifting even closer, Hyukjae slides his foot over his hyung’s and entwines their ankles together.

***

Donghae finishes an anecdote and Ryeowook’s joyous laughter rings in the air.

Hyukjae blinks, lets out a confused and belated chuckle and tries very hard to listen to what people around him are saying. But the only thing his mind seems to be able to concentrate on is the person sitting next to him, silent, waiting. Hyukjae feels like he’s floating in a bubble, everything else in the room disappearing into a distant background hum, his whole being focused on how Jongwoon’s side presses against his, on the way his hand curves around his bare knee.

He turns his head at the same time Jongwoon turns his, and their eyes meet, gazes locking.

For a moment they just look at each other, earnest and unwavering. Then Hyukjae gathers all his courage and slips his hand underneath the table, moving it down Jongwoon’s arm in a slow and hidden caress.

It feels like a silent question, and when he reaches the wrist and feels Jongwoon turning his hand to welcome his, their palms finally connecting and fingers intertwining, Hyukjae knows he’s been answered with an affirmative. He releases a breath he didn’t even realise he’d been holding and lets his thumb stroke the side of his hyung’s hand, warmth spreading up from their joined fingers and all over his body.

Jongwoon’s appearance stays calm and collected, but the softness creeping into his eyes is definite, the happiness lurking in the corner of his mouth unmistakeable. Hyukjae knows the same sentiments must be mirrored on his own face. And he also knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is it: That their game of push and pull is finally over, that this unshakeable _thing_ between them is at long last going to be addressed.

It makes him both giddy and scared at the same time.

“… Hello, you two?” Donghae’s leaning over the table and snapping his fingers in front of their faces. They both jump a bit and turn to look at their friend, feeling slightly dazed.

“We asked if you’d like to come to the top floor balcony to view the fireworks? It’s long past midnight so we’ve already missed the best ones,” he glances at his wrist watch, “but I guess we’d still be able to see some. We are going up now, before it’s all over,” he gestures between himself and Ryeowook.

Jongwoon’s fingers twitch in Hyukjae’s hold, and the younger one brings their clasped hands onto his lap. “You go. I think I… I think I’ll just stay here a bit longer. I need to talk to Yesung-hyung about something.”

Donghae stares at him.

“… We can wait a bit?” he offers, confused.

“No need. It might take a while.” Another twitch. Hyukjae looks down at their hands, then raises his eyes to meet Donghae’s and smiles reassuringly. “You two go, before you miss everything.”

His friend looks them over, taking in Jongwoon’s downcast and Hyukjae’s pleading eyes, and the non-existent space between their bodies, and something seems to click in his mind. “ _Oh_. All right.” He shifts his weight from one foot to another and nods. “Okay.” He then turns to Ryeowook. “Shall we?”

Ryeowook tears his eyes away from the two hyungs he’s been watching curiously, and nods. “Yup, but I’ll be going straight to my room after that. I’m going to head to bed as soon as I’ve checked on Kyukyu. He should be back by now.”

“Okay. Good night hyung, night night Eunhyukie.”

“Good night.”

Two younger ones gather their things and disappear through the door, leaving the other two men alone in the room. For a while, they just sit in silence. Then Jongwoon stands up slowly, takes a step away and turns around, looking at Hyukjae, still sat by the table.

He extends his hand.

“Come.”

Hyukjae takes the offered hand, laces their fingers and follows.

***

The whole journey up, they stand apart, leaning onto the walls on the opposite sides of the elevator. Hyukjae stares at his own feet, trying to coax his breathing into regularity, discreetly wiping his sweaty palms on his black shorts. He can feel Jongwoon’s intense eyes on him, and it’s making him feel jittery and breathless.

The elevator pings as it reaches the floor their rooms are in. Hyukjae mumbles his thanks to the same lady they met before and steps out, Jongwoon following closely behind.

Their fingers keep brushing lightly as they walk down the long corridor, and by the time they finally stop in front of Jongwoon’s door, Hyukjae’s a quivering bundle of nerves. He watches as Jongwoon swipes his key card on the reader and pushes the door open, stepping aside to let his dongsaeng in first.

Hyukjae walks past him and stops in the hall, thoughts swirling, feeling hopeful yet vulnerable at the same time and growing – very irrationally – more and more unsure of Jongwoon’s reciprocation again by every passing second. He hears the door click shut behind them.

_Is this really happening? It feels like it’s really happening. But what if it isn’t, what if it’s all been in my head? What if I’ve misunderstood?_

_Wouldn’t this have happened years ago, if he really feels the same? I think he feels the same. He must feel the same… But what if he doesn’t?_

_And even if he does, what if it’s weird? We have been friends for such a long time, what if it feels unnatural and wrong?_

His panicked thoughts come to a complete standstill when he senses Jongwoon moving closer and stopping right behind him.

“ _Hyukjae_.” His hyung’s whisper is full of wonder and pure, unadulterated adoration.

Hesitant fingers touch his nape and the side of his neck, slowly and tenderly caressing his skin.

It’s as if Jongwoon’s asking for a permission, still half expecting his dongsaeng to curse at him and pull away. When Hyukjae does the exact opposite and leans into his touch instead, confirming that his caresses are not only tolerated but _very, very much_ desired, he slips a finger beneath the loose collar of his t-shirt and pulls it out of the way a bit, lowering his head and letting his lips ever so slightly graze the exposed skin.

Hyukjae’s eyes flutter closed and his head falls back against Jongwoon’s shoulder, a shaky exhale escaping from his lips.

Emboldened by the realization that his dongsaeng clearly wants this just as much as him – that the mere brush of his lips is enough to make the man throw his head back and melt against him in a silent plea for more – Jongwoon allows his hands to travel south to hold Hyukjae by the hips, and draws back just enough to be able to press gentle little kisses on his nape and over his spine. Then he wraps his arms around his waist, pulls the younger one tightly back into his embrace and fits his hot, open mouth over the curve of his neck.

The new, stomach-flutter-inducing sensation has Hyukjae’s knees buckling and his hand instinctively flying up to hold the back of his hyung’s head and grab his hair – to keep him in place, to press him even closer. Jongwoon seems to understand exactly what he’s asking for and complies with gusto, tasting him – properly and for the very first time – with a soft and wet swirl of his tongue.

Hyukjae moans.

Feeling feverish, he turns around blindly and waits with a bated breath.

Jongwoon’s hands come up to frame his face – cupping his jaw, fingers slipping into his hair. Thumbs are stroking his cheeks and brushing over his lips.

“You’re trembling, Hyukj-a.” His tone is quiet and very, very tender.

“No, I think it’s you.” It comes out as a whisper.

A deep, warm chuckle. “You might be right.”

Hyukjae presses a soft little kiss on the thumb moving over his bottom lip, then turns his head and plants another on his hyung’s palm. The loving gesture makes Jongwoon draw in a quick breath.

One of his hands leaves Hyukjae’s face and moves downwards to rest on his side, fingers splayed, the other coming to gently hold the back of his neck. His hair tickles Hyukjae’s skin as he tilts his head and kisses his dongsaeng beneath the jawline, on the chin, on the cheek, then on one eyelid.

Hyukjae sighs softly, mouth slightly open, breathing growing shallow.

For a few seconds, the only thing he can feel is a small, warm breath of air brushing tantalizingly against his lips. Then Jongwoon takes the leap and closes the final gap separating them.

When his lips meet Hyukjae’s and the eighteen and a half years of indecisiveness and uncertainty come to an end,

it’s not weird,

or unnatural,

or wrong.

It’s the last missing piece of a complex jigsaw puzzle, slotting perfectly into its place.

It’s the sun coming out after a rain, painting the world in the most beautiful and vivid colours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
> .  
> .  
> So.  
> There we have it: Jongwoon and Hyukjae's first kiss.  
> I really hope I've done them at least some justice, and everybody's not too disappointed with their first coming together after such a long build-up. I'm so nervous about how this chapter's going to be received that I'm actually a little bit happy I've been too busy to post it earlier 😖😅
> 
> Please let me know what you think 🙏 All feedback is very much appreciated.


	19. 2020, part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jongwoon and Hyukjae engage in carnal pleasures and deep, late night conversations.
> 
> Warning: Sexy times ahead 🔥  
> I've tried to keep it tasteful - it's mostly implications - but if that still makes you uncomfortable or if you're a minor, you might want to skip some parts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, everyone, for your overwhelmingly positive response to the previous chapter! It made me truly happy 😭❤
> 
> I've been sooo horribly busy again lately 😓 but finally, I've actually managed to finish a new chapter, so here it is. Enjoy!
> 
> As there isn't any actual footage of Yehyuk sleeping together 🤭 (although some evidence - and their recent behaviour - suggests that might be exactly what they've been doing behind closed doors at least since last spring 😏), the only things I've mentioned in the chapter that I can provide links for are:
> 
> So Close Yet So Far by Yesung  
> https://youtu.be/hFiPSpMHzJk (look at that sigh at 3:56 - he was really feeling that song deeply)
> 
> Hyukjae flirting with Taemin  
> https://youtu.be/JHltpYtH5gM

The very last fireworks of the night are going off outside the window, flashes of green and blue illuminating the dark room.

Hyukjae’s eyes are half-lidded, his lips swollen, his body sated. His mind is in an state of pure bliss – drowsy, serene and content.

Jongwoon’s a delicious weight upon him.

He’s resting his elbows on either side of Hyukjae’s head, fingers lazily combing his hair, weaving between the strands and brushing the sweat-damp curls off his forehead. He smiles down at his dongsaeng and kisses the corner of his mouth.

“Can you believe it’s 2020 already?” he murmurs quietly. “Happy new year, Hyukj-a.”

The younger one changes the angle slightly, captures Jongwoon’s lips with his own and smiles against his mouth.

“Happy new year, Aesongie.”

The kiss that follows starts off all sweet and chaste but soon deepens into a lingering, more gratifying one, sending hot waves of pleasure running through Hyukjae’s body, all the way down to his toes. When the lack of air finally forces them apart, Jongwoon nudges him gently with his nose and keeps nuzzling him under his chin. “How are you feeling?”

“ _Amazing_.” His answer earns him a soft little peck on the lips, the tenderness making his heart skip a beat. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good in my life.”

And he’s not lying – he’s genuinely in seventh heaven right now. Everything around him is Jongwoon, all his senses are filled with him, _only him_ : his presence, his touch, his scent, his taste, his voice.

It’s nothing short of miraculous.

Jongwoon’s eyes shine with happiness. “Likewise.”

They beam at each other, smitten. Hyukjae pulls Jongwoon down, wanting him fully on top of himself and as near as possible, consumed with need to feel skin on skin – and his hyung gives in willingly, sneaks his arms under Hyukjae’s body and hugs him close, laying his head on his dongsaeng’s chest. Hyukjae buries his face in Jongwoon’s hair and cradles him in his arms, the intimacy of the moment making his soul sing with uncontained joy.

As the sweat from their earlier exertion dries up on their skin and their muscles begin to cool down, it’s starting to feel just a little bit chilly, and Hyukjae reaches around and pulls the duvet and the bedcover over their naked, entangled bodies, resuming their cuddling session as soon as the blankets are adequately in place.

A thought keeps circling over his head, but even the notion of bringing the topic up makes him feel peculiarly shy, and he opens and closes his mouth a few times before he dares to address the other man hesitantly.

“…Hyung?”

Jongwoon hums questioningly.

“When did you, uh… When did you first start liking me?” Somehow, it feels embarrassing to be asking about such a thing, but Hyukjae’s curious to know. _Really curious_.

The older one lifts his head to meet his eyes. “You mean, when did I realise I had feelings for you?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm.” Jongwoon ponders for a while. “I think it was pretty soon after I joined the company and we became acquainted.” He grins. “I _wish_ I could say it was as soon as you stepped into that dance studio in the SM building and I first laid eyes on your stupidly big teeth and scrawny little teenage body-“

“Yah!”

“…but unfortunately,” Jongwoon carries on, undisturbed, “you decided to be a dick and make my life a living hell for the first six or seven months we knew each other, so _no_ , that was not it.”

Hyukjae pouts. “Hmph! Surely I can’t have been that bad.”

Jongwoon taps him on the lips. “You were. You spared no chance to make me feel inferior.” The memory makes him sigh. “But despite all of that, I thought you were still such a cutie-pie... And because you were so pleasant and kind towards everybody else, you became rather an enigma to me. I felt there must be more to you than what you were willing to show me, and I wanted to get to know you better.”

He’s silent for a minute, lost in his thoughts.

“After that one time you cried in my arms, I could see the real person behind the pretence and that was it for me. I was done for. Cute, but a bully? No, thanks. Cute, and actually sweet and sensitive? _Yes, please_. I fell for you then. Hard.”

“Oh,” whispers Hyukjae, staring at him with wide eyes. He gulps. “So that’s… around the same time I began to have feelings for you, too.”

“What?” Jongwoon pulls back a bit to give him an inquiring look, letting out a small, disbelieving laugh. “Why are you lying, Hyukjae?”

“I’m not?!”

“Yes, you are. _No way_ that’s true. You hated my guts back then! And you thought I was so unattractive that you told everyone I was the ugliest person you’d ever seen. Surely you haven’t forgotten that?”

“Ah. No, you see, that was just...” Hyukjae cringes and averts his eyes in shame. “I mean, I was _obviously_ lying when I called you ugly,” he admits through his teeth, “and the whole not liking you thing was a sham.”

“What?” his hyung repeats, baffled.

“I think… I think the spark was there from the get-go, but I was so immature and unsure of myself that I didn’t even fully understand what it meant at first. And when it started to dawn on me, I got scared. I didn’t want anybody to find out I was inclined _that way_ ,” Hyukjae explains, frowning at his 15-year-old self. “You know what the times were like – what they still are. People would’ve reacted badly.” He looks at Jongwoon again. “But _of course_ I found you attractive, Yesung – how could I’ve not? You’ve always been handsome and sexy. I was just afraid you’d realise how much I liked you, so I had to pretend the opposite.”

The older one stares at him like he’s suddenly grown two heads. “Are you serious?”

“Totally.” Hyukjae remembers something and chuckles. “You were my first proper crush, hyung. Sometimes, even meeting your eyes across the room was enough to make my young heart race.” He smiles fondly. “It _still_ is.”

Jongwoon blinks owlishly.

“And here I was thinking you’d fallen for my big, massive… personality, and nothing else.” His dongsaeng punishes him for the lame joke by cuffing him gently on the shoulder. “No, but honestly! I thought you’d only recently begun to see me differently because you had caught feelings and that had changed your perception. I never would’ve guessed you actually found me good-looking.”

“Well,” Hyukjae looks a bit sheepish. “I guess I must’ve been overdoing the teasing sometimes, if my true feelings have been coming across _that_ poorly.”

“You _guess_?! I would’ve never even dared to assume I had the slightest chance with you, if it wasn’t for other people who kept dropping hints and pointing it out. You’ve been impossible!”

“O-ho! Don’t act like you’ve been any better, Mr _Oh By The Way, I’ve Loved You Since I Was Seventeen But Never Said Anything About It Until Now_.”

“That argument is invalid because I did try, so many times. It’s not my fault Your Royal Denseness didn’t notice.”

“I’m not dense!” Hyukjae protests, narrowing his eyes.

“Yes, you are. Dongba is an earned nickname.” Jongwoon softens his words by pressing a tender kiss on his dongsaeng’s nose. “Besides, who said anything about loving you?” One side of his mouth twitches up as he says that, clearly trying to suppress a smile, and Hyukjae knows he’s just being teased because –

“You did. Less than twenty minutes ago when I had my mouth around your-“

“ _Okayyyy_ ,” Jongwoon cuts him short, blushing beautifully. “Shut up. Shut up, _dammit_.” He muffles Hyukjae’s delighted laughter with his lips, snogging the smug expression off his face.

When they finally sober up, Jongwoon simply looks at him for a long time, gaze turning serious.

“Hyukj-a... Just so that we are clear – I meant what I said.” Softly, he brushes his knuckles over his dongsaeng’s cheek, eyes full of deep devotion. “I do love you. _Very much_.”

Hearing Jongwoon reaffirm the confession he’d let slip out during sex earlier (and realising that he hadn’t just been throwing those words carelessly in the air solely because of how good Hyukjae had been making him feel at that moment) has the younger one’s lower lip quivering for a second.

“I love you, too, hyung,” he replies, voice thickened by the sudden lump in his throat. “More than _anything_.”

The sincerity of his own confession – the sheer depth of his arising emotions – has Hyukjae lowering his eyes in yet another bout of shyness, his ears flushing bright red.

He seeks composure by letting his hands travel all over Jongwoon, feeling the warmth of his skin under his palms – caressing the arms, sides, back and thighs, squeezing the booty on the way back up, pressing the two of them even closer to one another.

His hyung kisses him again – sensually and passionately – and then moves slowly down his body, pressing little kisses everywhere he can reach.

It tickles in some places and Hyukjae giggles and squirms, tells him _hyung, no, please hyung, stoooop_ but Jongwoon smiles and ignores him – takes his time worshipping the body of his beloved dongsaeng with curious, exploring hands and an eager mouth – and by the time he’s finished mapping every inch of it, Hyukjae isn’t laughing any more.

Pupils blown, he pants heavily and tugs his hyung impatiently upwards so that he can fit their mouths back together. Slipping his tongue in as soon as their lips find each other, he lifts his hips in a desperate attempt to create more friction between their bodies.

Jongwoon kisses him back with equal fervour, simultaneously grinding down, making them both moan at the contact. His tongue leaves a moist trail from Hyukjae’s chin to his taut, trembling abs as he licks and sucks his way down the younger man’s body again.

Reaching his intended destination, he slips an arm around Hyukjae’s lower back and brings him closer, pulling him to the edge of the bed in one swift motion and settling himself on the floor between his legs. The arousing promise of Jongwoon’s hot breath ghosting over the place where his dongsaeng’s need for him is the most evident – the subsequent sweet, torturous play of his fingers, warm lips and velvety tongue – is enough to make Hyukjae toss about and whimper in no time, leaving him throbbing and leaking before his hyung’s lust-darkened gaze.

Jongwoon pushes Hyukjae’s legs wider apart and meets his eyes through the strands of black hair falling over his own.

Maintaining eye contact, he holds the younger one by the thighs and licks a long stripe from the base up to the tip, swirling his tongue around the head a couple of times – and then takes him fully in his mouth.

Hyukjae’s back arches off the bed, fingers grasping the sheets and flexing involuntarily.

***

They’re basking in the afterglow of their second mutual climax of the night.

Hyukjae has shuffled as close to his hyung as physically possible, pressing himself tight against Jongwoon’s back, spooning him. He’s rubbing his nose against the man’s nape, every now and then interrupting this new favourite pastime of his – sniffing Jongwoon’s hair – to plant small kisses on his neck and shoulder.

“I think I should get my brother a thank you present,” says the hyung quietly. “If it wasn’t for Jongjin, I don’t know if I would’ve ever believed this could be a real possibility.”

Hyukjae hums in agreement. “ _I knew_ he’d noticed. He kept watching us like a hawk.”

Jongwoon chuckles. “True. We talked about it so many times during the years, but I never took his words seriously until after we came to see you on Fuerza Bruta. That’s when he almost got angry with me, saying that I must be either stupid or blind if I still thought you weren’t interested.”

Hyukjae barks out a laugh, causing the older one to look at him over his shoulder, eyebrows raised. “What?”

“That’s exactly what Donghae said to me, too.”

“Donghae?”

“Yeah. He’s been telling me you like me for months now. He claims he already saw the first signs years ago.”

Jongwoon facepalms.

“So _that’s why_ he’s been telling me he’s worried about my eyesight, urging me to check the prescription on my lenses.” He rolls onto his back, smiling amusedly at Hyukjae. “It’s starting to make sense now why he’d send me all those cute pictures of you taking a nap or stuffing your mouth like a little hamster during the D&E tour. Our Donghae-ya’s been playing a matchmaker.”

Hyukjae snorts.

“He’s been pestering me about So Close Yet So Far, too, trying to find out whether I wrote it about some mutual friend of ours,” continues Jongwoon. “And just a few days ago, he sent me a screenshot of cartoon Tom kissing Jerry, asking if I shared his view.”

“What view?”

“That the cat’s actually in love with the mouse.”

“Oh,” nods Hyukjae. “How very subtle of him.”

They stare at each other, mirth dancing in their eyes.

“ _Ah, Lee Donghae_.”

They utter the phrase in unison and burst out laughing. Hyukjae tightens his hold on Jongwoon and hides his face against his shoulder, the resonance of his hyung’s deep guffaw vibrating against the arm wrapped around the man’s torso.

When they’re done cackling at their friend’s funny antics, Hyukjae plants a kiss on his hyung’s upper arm and leans over him, looking expectant. “Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Did you write it about me?”

He says it jokingly, fully expecting the older one to deny. _Obviously he hasn’t been singing about you all this time, Hyukjae, you silly man. Haha_.

“Ah, the song – yes, yes I did.”

“Of course not, I didn’t even think- …wait, _what_?!”

For a moment, he’s rendered speechless.

“Hyukj-a,” Jongwoon says gently, reaching up to move a strand of hair off his dongsaeng’s eyes, “who did you think I’ve been writing all my sad songs about unrequited love for?”

Hyukjae doesn’t know how to answer him, so he stays silent, watching his hyung with big, round eyes.

“Did you not once suspect anything? I thought I was being _too_ obvious sometimes. It was a miracle neither you nor anybody else seemed to figure it out.”

“No,” whispers Hyukjae, “I’d no idea.”

“I think you need to read the lyrics to some of my songs again,” Jongwoon chuckles quietly. “I think the only one who actually knew those songs were about you, was Heechul-hyung. He asked about it rather frankly, saying he’d never seen two people who were so clearly made for each other as you and me. And like Jongjin, he told me to get my shit together and do something about it sooner rather than later.” He grins. “Hyung actually threatened to lock us in a room and hide the key until we’d sort it all out – or at least I _think_ that’s what he meant, and not just that he wanted to get rid of us both.”

“So… He wasn’t only joking when he said he thought we’d been married in a previous life.”

“No,” replies Jongwoon seriously, “I don’t think he was.”

Hyukjae rests himself back down, lying half on top of Jongwoon, idly caressing his skin with his fingertips.

“Yesungie?”

“Hmm?”

“Why did you think your love was unrequited?” He lifts his head to meet the older one’s eyes. “What made you think I didn’t reciprocate your feelings?”

Jongwoon contemplates his question.

“Truthfully, I felt like you never gave me enough hope. When we still lived together at the dorms, you always brought up some girl you fancied or just gave a lousy excuse to promptly flee the scene whenever we were left by ourselves. I now realise that must’ve been you in a gay panic,” he smiles teasingly, “but back then, it only solidified my assumption that you were completely straight and didn’t like me that much as a friend, either. So I just buried my feelings and learned to act as if it didn’t hurt like hell whenever you flirted with other people or took yet another girl out on a date.”

A heaviness settles itself in Hyukjae’s chest. “Yeah… That was me trying very hard to deny I had feelings for a boy – that I had feelings for _you_.” He reaches up to press a small, apologetic kiss on his hyung’s lips.

“I tried to let go of you so many times over the years and force myself to like other people instead,” admits Jongwoon, “but my ever-growing love and attraction for you made all those attempts futile. And then, as we got older and our bond became inevitably stronger, I began to notice things which made me question everything I thought I knew about you – and allowed me to hope against my better judgement that one day, you might actually be able to like me back.”

“That’s exactly how it was for me, too. Especially after we’d both returned from the military service… There was such an intense pull between us that I was almost certain you must be feeling it, too.”

“I was.”

“So why didn’t you say anything? I know I was too much of a coward to act on my feelings, but what made you hesitate?”

“Well… Every time I started to believe you might be reciprocating, you said or did something that crushed my hopes and dreams straight away. Like when we did We Lived Together and everyone commented on how happy you looked, I thought that maybe – _just maybe_ – you’d enjoyed our day as much as I’d done, despite your initial reluctance.”

Hyukjae stays quiet, waiting for him to continue.

“When you suggested we set our rules as if we were dating, I wondered whether that tension I felt between us was real, after all, and not just a fabrication of my mind. And when Donghae then pointed out you were flirting with me, I began to hope that I might actually have a chance.” He gives Hyukjae a sad little smile. “But of course, you went and shot it all down by stating you'd never want to be with me like that ever again.”

His dongsaeng looks at him with regret in his eyes. “ _Hyung_ …”

“At first, I believed you just saw the whole thing – me included – as one giant joke. But as more time passed I started to question that, too. It was all very confusing. Everything always felt so easy, warm and natural when it was just the two of us together. And yet…” Jongwoon pauses and sighs. “…Yet you'd still often act somewhat stand-offish and distant if other people were around. I just couldn’t work you out. You were happy to receive everybody else’s displays of affection, but if I tried to touch you or get close to you, you seemed so disgusted and weirded out that after a while, I became convinced I must’ve read the signals all wrong and accidentally crossed the line. I thought I'd selfishly allowed my advances to reach a point where they only made you uncomfortable.”

“But that was purely for the cameras, hyung,” Hyukjae whispers, throat constricting. “I was just trying to hide my own feelings. I _craved_ your touch.”

“I know that now. But at the time, it felt like I’d abused your trust in the worst possible way and taken advantage of our friendship to push my feelings onto you, despite them so clearly being unwanted. Realising that broke my heart, Hyukjae, it really did. I felt so guilty for loving you and always wanting you, when having your friendship should’ve been enough. For the longest time, I couldn’t even see you without getting this immense pain in my chest... So I tried to back off and leave you alone.”

Jongwoon looks up at the ceiling, blinking off tears. “But it was hopeless… I just couldn’t get you out of my head. I still caught myself looking at you the way I’d sworn I wouldn’t do anymore, still found myself always seeking out your company like a mindless fool – and I hated myself for being so weak, for not being able to resist you even though I knew full well that’s what I should’ve been doing. I tried to act normal around you and be a good friend despite my internal battle, but it was hard. I was so afraid you’d see right through me.”

“You stopped eating.” Hyukjae’s voice is laced with guilt. “You might think I didn’t notice, but I did. I was so worried.” He places a hand on Jongwoon’s cheek, turning his face towards himself and bringing their foreheads together, closing his eyes. “I wish I’d known this is how you felt, so I could’ve assured you of my love sooner.”

They stay like that for a moment, relief washing over them as they’re finally freed from their past misunderstandings, misinterpretations and misjudgements.

When they draw back just enough to be able to meet each other’s eyes, Jongwoon offers his lips tentatively, a silent question in his gaze, and Hyukjae claims them with such a fierce possessiveness that both of them are left a little surprised. A small whine escapes Jongwoon’s throat and Hyukjae kisses him with passion, hoping it somehow wordlessly conveys his inner sentiments to the other man: That he’s sorry for ever causing him pain – that he adores him with his whole heart – that he’ll never want Jongwoon to feel unloved again.

He snuggles closer to his hyung again. “It’s a bit upsetting to think that if we both hadn’t been so frigging stupid, we could’ve had this years ago already.”

“I know,” replies Jongwoon ruefully. “But I’m just glad and relieved we got there in the end. It seems that all this time is what we needed to become the people we’re now. I… I feel like this long journey’s made us stronger, somehow. I think we’re more ready to conquer any obstacle we might face in the future. Don’t you?” Hyukjae nods. “I know I want to be with you for the rest of my life, and nothing’s going to change that at this point. I’ve never been so sure about anything before.”

He can feel his dongsaeng’s smile against his skin.

“Ditto, hyung.” Hyukjae is quiet for a while and then chuckles wryly. “Do you think we’ve set a new record for the longest courting time in history?”

“Courting..? What are you, a medieval maid?”

Hyukjae retaliates by giving Jongwoon’s shoulder a light bite.

“Ouch!” His hyung rubs the spot and flicks him on the head. “I probably would’ve made a move sooner, if you hadn’t kept making me feel so totally hopeless by treating me indifferently and calling me undesirable and flirting with Taemin-”

“Indifferently?! Hyung! I may’ve been many things, but indifferent towards you? _Never_! Why do you think I’ve been teasing you so much? You’ve been the centre of my attention for years, and I’ve just been trying to get you to notice me, too.” Hyukjae feels wronged by the accusation. “And when have I _ever_ flirted with Taemin?”

“Aish, stop pretending you don’t know. Knowing Bros – ring any bells?”

“What do you mea- …oooh, _that_. You saw that?” He grins embarrassedly. “That was _literally_ one time! And I wasn’t even flirting, I was complimenting him.”

“Yeah, right.” Jongwoon pouts, looking away. Hyukjae forces him to meet his eyes again.

“Besides, you’re one to talk! What with you always wrapping ladies around your little finger – and continuously flirting with Chanyeol.”

Jongwoon’s all wide-eyed innocence. “I’ve never flirted with Chanyeol in my life.”

Hyukjae huffs. “To borrow your earlier eloquent words: yeah, right.”

They glare at each other, mildly irritated by the memory of their past jealousy.

Jongwoon softens first, humour returning to his expression.

“So. Now that we’ve established we’ve both been jealous of each other, do you think we could get back to the more pressing matter?”

True to his custom, Hyukjae has already began to lose himself in the enticing, sparkling depths of his hyung’s beautiful eyes again – and thus sounds very distracted when he asks for a clarification.

“…Which is?”

Jongwoon’s answering smirk is totally, utterly irresistible.

“Me. You. A heck of a lot of necking. Maybe even me going down on you again, if you have any stamina left.”

Hyukjae’s brain short-circuits for a second.

The embers inside him are instantly stoked by Jongwoon’s words, white-hot want flaring up and burning in his lower abdomen anew as all the blood in his body rushes down to his groin.

He takes his hyung’s hand and brings it slowly down between their bodies – onto his slightly sensitive, but already rapidly hardening length – and watches up close as Jongwoon’s pupils dilate with desire and the man hisses out a breathless curse.

Hyukjae wets his lips and offers his hyung a suggestive smile.

“ _Why don’t you find out_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally intended to fit their first night together into just one chapter, but the whole thing got so frigging long that I've now had to split it into two parts 🙈 You may expect the second update by the next week.
> 
> Meanwhile, I'm going to embark on a Yehyuk marathon with the rest of the Yehyuk week entries and all the new fics here on AO3 that I've bookmarked, but haven't had time to read. Happy times!


	20. 2020, part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the morning after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second part of Yehyuk's first night together. I was supposed to post this chapter in the beginning of the week already... and then life happened and I had to put it off until now 😖 Sorry for the long wait! Hope you'll like it anyway 😘
> 
> Links to some things referenced in the chapter:
> 
> Yesung and Eunhyuk's heart eyes  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXsy9qIh8iw (5:08-6:16. I know Donghae's vlog is much more ahead in time, but that moment around 6:15 is a good example of what I had in mind when I wrote the breakfast scene)
> 
> The airport scenes are partly inspired by these  
> https://mobile.twitter.com/_hyukchu0404/status/1212283156738428928  
> https://mobile.twitter.com/Yeouljida/status/1212228254859317248  
> https://twitter.com/Tszyan_o916/status/1212346624782942208

Hyukjae’s eyes keep falling shut.

He’s wrapped in warmth, burrowed into the comfortable nest of blankets and his hyung’s toasty body, snuggling against his chest, one leg thrown over his hip. Jongwoon’s stroking his hair, the gentle and repetitious motion lulling him to sleep despite his best effort to stay awake.

The older one lets him doze off for a moment, staying awake himself and keeping an eye on the time.

When the numbers on his phone screen tell him it’s almost six-thirty in the morning, he can’t postpone waking Hyukjae up any longer – no matter how much he’d like to – and sets out on the task by leaving small, tender kisses on his temple and over his cheekbone.

When that doesn’t have the desired result – Hyukjae only sniffles and grumbles discontentedly, disappearing further into the blankets so that only a tuft of dark hair is left visible – Jongwoon digs him back out with an amused “Nuh-uh, I don’t think so, mister” and changes tactics, nibbling his dongsaeng’s earlobe until he finally starts shifting a little, blinking sleepily up at his hyung.

“Oh,” mumbles Hyukjae softly and closes his eyes again, sighing happily and curling back up against his partner’s chest as soon as he gets his bearings and recognizes who he’s with. “ _Good_.”

He sounds relieved.

“What’s good, love?” Jongwoon’s fingers return to their earlier occupation, leisurely stroking his hair.

“ _It wasn’t just a dream_.”

The lack of answer from his hyung makes Hyukjae look up again – just in time to catch remnants of a touched, fond little smile playing in the corner of his mouth.

He returns it and clears his throat. “What time is it?”

Tucking his hair out of the way, the older one gives his earlobe another amorous bite, making him shiver and hum in satisfaction. “Half past six.”

“Already?” Hyukjae’s face falls. _There goes any hope I could stay a little longer_.

Feeling more awake by the minute, he traces Jongwoon’s features with his gaze, following the same path with his fingertips – caressing his way down to the chin and taking a gentle hold of it between his forefinger and thumb. Inching up a bit, he closes the small gap between them and presses his lips against Jongwoon’s in a slow and adoring kiss, taking pleasure in their intoxicating proximity and the tingling, warm sensation spreading all over his skin.

Without breaking the kiss, he pushes Jongwoon fully onto his back and climbs on top, straddling him and holding his hands above his head, lacing their fingers together. Then he just looks at the man for a moment, committing the view in his memory.

With his heavy, sexy eyes, slightly flushed cheeks, messy hair and lips reddened by his dongsaeng’s bites and kisses, Jongwoon truly is a sight to behold: drop-dead gorgeous and absolutely, utterly breathtaking.

Before tonight, Hyukjae had believed – very foolishly – that after knowing his hyung for almost twenty years, nothing about him could come as a big surprise at this point.

Having seen glimpses of Jongwoon’s body before, he’d thought he already had a fairly good idea of what the man looked like underneath his clothes.

Having smelled his fragrance before, he’d thought he already knew every nuance of his scent.

Having touched him before, he’d thought he’d already grown more or less accustomed to the feel of his skin beneath his hands.

Now, he knows he couldn’t have been more wrong – couldn’t have been less prepared.

Nothing, not even his wildest dreams have readied him for how beautiful, how elegantly proportioned Jongwoon’s body really is in its full naked glory; how addictive his scent is on that one particular spot behind his ear, how heady it gets near his groin; how warm and silky smooth his skin actually is in the places Hyukjae’s never touched before, how soft and delicate it feels under his lips when he’s mouthing it by the corner of his hyung’s eye.

Hyukjae almost still can’t believe this is real.

For the umpteenth time, he has to lean down and brush his lips against Jongwoon’s just to make sure he isn’t imagining it all. And when Jongwoon stops him from pulling away by touching his cheek and drawing him gently back in, Hyukjae can tell from the sheer fascination on his hyung’s face that the feeling of wonder is very mutual.

They spend a good few minutes like that, kissing languidly and simply savouring the moment – coming up every so often to lock eyes for a while, only to soon grow hungry for each other’s taste again and dive straight back in.

Eventually, Hyukjae’s forced to detach his lips from Jongwoon’s due to the incessant, relentless passing of time. He still continues to pepper small kisses all over his hyung’s face, until a faint sound of a door slamming shut somewhere along the corridor reminds him of the harsh realities of life.

He pulls away with a regretful groan, knowing he must get back to his own room before the break of the morning light.

The mere idea upsets him. He’s reluctant to leave this little cocoon of theirs.

“ _Baby_ … I have to go.” He whispers it against the older one’s collarbone, face buried in the crook of his neck. The endearment slips out naturally and although Hyukjae can’t see the full effect it has on Jongwoon, the way his grip tightens on his dongsaeng is clear enough indication of how pleased he is by it.

“I know,” responds his hyung with a sigh, pressing a kiss on top of his head and releasing him unwillingly. His smile is full of warmth. “I’ll see you at breakfast, boyfriend.”

_Boyfriend._

Suddenly feeling very breathless, Hyukjae turns away to hide his bashful and enraptured grin.

As soon as he pulls the covers away and his feet touch the floor, he’s already missing the feeling of Jongwoon’s warm body next to his own. Playing for time, he stands up slowly and starts unenthusiastically gathering his clothes from the floor.

His boxer briefs are lying right next to the bed, one leg slightly damp after being partly covered by a wet towel Jongwoon had used earlier to clean them both off – dropping it unceremoniously over the edge once he was done.

The rest are scattered haphazardly around, pieces of his and Jongwoon’s clothing leaving a trail from the door to the bed, telling a tale of two men deeply in love – starved of each other’s touch for far too long, their immense need erupting like a volcano after the first hesitant touch of their lips; their deep yearning finally finding its fulfilment in the frenzied, passionate meeting of their bodies.

As he moves about the room – picking up his underwear, shorts, socks and shoes and pulling them on – Jongwoon’s eyes follow him the whole time, observing his athletic figure and every stretch and flex of his muscles with a keen interest, clearly enjoying the show.

Hyukjae has to look for his t-shirt quite a while until he finally locates it – hanging loosely off a floor lamp.

His face heats up as recollections from a few hours before start flitting through his mind:

_Himself, staggering backwards towards the bed, panting and pulling Jongwoon along as their hands slip beneath hems and cup each other through shorts and frantically untie knots on waistbands._

_Warm mouths following the hands, marking any newly exposed skin as their own, lighting their bodies on fire at their wake and drawing out sounds of pleasure._

_Jongwoon’s hot gaze and impatient fingers as he tugs his dongsaeng’s shirt up and over his head, flinging it behind his back without looking._

_His arms wrapping around Jongwoon’s neck and dragging him down into a lustful, scorching kiss that has them both feeling a bit lightheaded as they tumble down onto the bed together, the older one on top._

_Jongwoon lowering himself between his spread thighs, emitting an unbelievably erotic moan against his lips that glorious moment when they start moving together and things align perfectly, rubbing just the right way…_

Hyukjae shakes his head to clear his thoughts. He should definitely _not_ be thinking about this – not if he wants to get out of the room in time and unseen.

While still in the process of willing his growing arousal into non-existence, he makes the mistake of glancing up towards Jongwoon.

His hyung has propped himself up against the headboard, legs apart and forearm resting on one bend knee – the thin sheet just about covering his naked lower half, creating a tempting silhouette that doesn’t leave a lot to the imagination. He’s watching his dongsaeng’s changing expressions with a knowing smile, clearly able to read his mind.

Running his hand through his tousled bed hair, he gives Hyukjae one of his sexy, intense looks, practically undressing him with his eyes – and the younger one simply can’t resist.

_How could he?_

So he goes to him. Bends down, slides his fingers into Jongwoon’s hair and kisses him, pushing the man back down onto the bed.

The heat is there instantly. Mouths are coaxed open, tongues are slipping in, hands are starting to roam urgently.

They almost have a round two (well… technically four, but since the first three times happened in such a rapid succession, Hyukjae has decided to count them as collective one) but somehow, Jongwoon is still able to grasp onto his last remaining sense, push Hyukjae away and tell him to go, because _we can’t do this, we just don’t have time to do this now_. Their manager’s supposed to come in to wake Jongwoon up and collect his luggage in less than fifteen minutes, and there’s a real danger of him catching them both.

They can’t have that happening – not yet, not at this point.

Hyukjae gives his hyung a last quick peck on the lips, yanks his t-shirt from the lamp and legs it before Jongwoon can (despite the admirable show of rationality and inner strength just a few seconds ago) get a hold of him and haul him back to bed again, because he can tell by the look in his eyes that the man’s already losing his resolve – and _fast_.

Apparently, the willpower to resist is seriously lacking on both sides.

As soon as Hyukjae gets back to his own room and the door swings shut behind him, he gives up trying to stand on his jelly legs and sags down to the floor, leaning into the wall and letting his head fall back against it.

He sits there till the break of dawn, watching the play of light and shadow on the ceiling, grinning from ear to ear like a loon.

***

“Oh, wow. Nice dark circles you’ve got there, mate.”

“Why, thank you, _mate_. I take great pride in them.” Hyukjae rolls his eyes as he grabs the chair next to Donghae’s at the hotel’s breakfast buffet. “Way to give someone an ego boost, jeez.”

His friend ignores his crankiness. “I take it you didn’t get much sleep last night?”

“No,” replies Hyukjae curtly, flopping down and digging straight into his noodle soup. (Yes, he’s having ramen for breakfast - _what of it?_ He likes ramen.)

Donghae grins. “I wonder why. Did you not go to bed at all?”

Despite his weariness, a smile starts tugging Hyukjae’s lips.

“No, I definitely went to bed.”

“Right,” Donghae nods, trying to remain serious. “But not your own.” It’s a statement, not a question.

He avoids Donghae’s eyes studiously, and the younger one laughs.

“Ha! _I knew it_. Good for you, man... I’m happy for you both.” As he speaks, he glances up and smiles even wider. “And here’s the culprit himself now! Looking just as tired as you, I see.”

Hyukjae follows his line of sight.

Jongwoon’s coming towards their table with a bowl of salad in one hand, a large coffee in the other. Hyukjae’s stomach starts doing funny things and his heartrate picks up as soon as their eyes meet. _The effect this man has on him_ … He has to blow out some air to try and calm himself down.

Jongwoon sets his breakfast down, pats Donghae’s shoulder in greeting and turns to Hyukjae, fingers brushing his cheek so fleetingly that nobody notices. “Morning.”

Hyukjae just smiles in return and focuses on quelling the strong temptation to throw his arms around his hyung and kiss him, right then and there.

It turns out to be the quietest meal the three of them have ever shared.

Hyukjae doesn’t even realise they’re almost completely abandoning Donghae – and inadvertently disregarding all his attempts to keep up conversation – as his and Jongwoon’s whole brain capacities are momentarily reserved for two things only: staring at one another with obvious heart eyes, and finding silly excuses to touch each other discreetly.

Luckily, Donghae doesn’t seem to mind. He munches away on his scrambled eggs with avocados and settles for observing his friends in silence, looking amused and entertained. (If they were to ask him, they’d learn he thinks they’re actually rather sweet.)

As they gather in the hotel foyer – Kyuhyun, Ryeowook and the managers having joined them as they were finishing their breakfast – and everybody starts gathering their stuff and getting ready to leave for the airport, Donghae pulls the newly formed couple aside.

He gestures at Hyukjae’s dark undereyes again.

“Seriously, man. I think you should cover those up, unless you want to attract unnecessary attention. You too, hyungie,” he says, turning to Jongwoon. “Yours are not as bad, but still noticeable.”

Agreeing with him, the oldest one rummages around in his bag, digging out pair of sunglasses for himself and offering Hyukjae a tube of BB cream.

“Could you…?” asks the dongsaeng, and Jongwoon complies, squeezing out a dollop of balm and dabbing it over all the necessary areas on Hyukjae’s face.

Donghae looks satisfied once the marks of tiredness have been sufficiently concealed. However, his voice stops the other two as they’re about to return to the rest of their group.

“One more thing, hyung, Eunhyukie,” he says, smirking. “ _Both of you might also want to wear scarves_.”

***

At Taoyuan airport, Hyukjae stays as close to Jongwoon as he dares with all the prying cameras around.

On his suitcase, the secret but proud statement – the Jerry tag – keeps on smiling and swinging merrily.

***

He makes Kyuhyun swap seats with him on the plane.

They spend the entire flight sleeping on each other’s shoulder, Jongwoon and he, the divider fully lowered but still digging uncomfortably into their sides.

Hyukjae’s hand stays on his hyung’s thigh all the way through, only letting go once they’ve woken up and the flight attendant comes over to check their seatbelts for the landing. The very second she turns and walks away again, the hand slips back into its place.

***

As the managers are collecting their belongings from the baggage carousel at Incheon airport, Jongwoon announces he’s bursting and needs to take a quick leak before they head to the cars. He removes his sunglasses and throws Hyukjae a meaningful look as he says that, starting towards the toilets.

“Me, too,” says his dongsaeng, hastily following behind.

They march to the men’s room together, their stomachs in knots with anticipation.

As soon as they’ve scanned the room, checked the cubicles and found them all empty, Hyukjae pins his hyung against the wall, jerks both of their facemasks down and smashes his lips against Jongwoon’s in a rough, bruising kiss. The older one grabs him by the collar of his jacket and devours his mouth with just as much enthusiasm.

They’re both flushed and panting by the time they disengage. Hyukjae crouches down, picks up their hats – which have fallen to the floor during their short make out session – and dusts them off. Jongwoon’s hair is in disarray and he smooths it down before placing the hat back on his hyung’s head. Then he pops his own cap on and looks at Jongwoon, his grin matching the one on the other man’s face.

Their schedules are going to be hectic with both shared and individual events lined up for the coming weeks, but that won’t stop them from seeing each other in between – not if either of them has a say in the matter.

“I’ll call you tonight,” Hyukjae promises his hyung, still slightly out breath.

Jongwoon fixes his hood and collar for him. “You better.”

He puts his sunglasses on and pulls his facemask back into place, linking their fingers for a few seconds.

“Let’s go.”

They leave the men’s room, one after the other. As they turn the corner and come into open view, Hyukjae removes his hand from the small of Jongwoon’s back with a downward sweep that may or may not linger on his hyung’s bum.

Journalists and excited fans crowd their personal space as soon as they walk through the doors to the arrivals hall, effectively separating them. With all the hassle going on around them, they don’t even get a chance to say goodbye before they’re already ushered to different cars.

Hyukjae can’t bring himself to be too upset about it, though.

Not when he can still taste Jongwoon on his lips and smell his scent on his hoodie.

Not when there’s a promise of even more happiness ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I had the next chapter all done and ready (I wrote it some months ago already, before I even had the whole story arch fully planned out) - and then I checked the bloody timeline and realised I'd messed it up so bad that I now have to rewrite at least half of the chapter again 🤦😭  
> That's gonna take me some time, so please bear with me for a little while longer 🙏


	21. 2020, part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the beginning of a relationship can be a little turbulent - especially if you have to hide your love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... I don't know what else to say other than I'm really sorry for making you all wait for so long for a new update.  
> Here it is at last 😳  
> This is one of the chapters I'd written beforehand, long before I'd even published the first chapter. Because of a timeline error, I had to rewrite almost the whole thing and I feel like that messed up the chapter pretty bad. I'm still not quite satisfied how this turned out (everything feels so silly and OOC), but I'm at a point where I'm just so sick of it that I really have to move on 😅
> 
> I'm also kinda freaked about the fact that so many of the things I've addressed in this chapter (fanservice, toxic fans etc.) have been so topical again recently. I wondered whether I should remove those parts, but eventually decided to keep them in.
> 
> Good reading, everyone ❤
> 
> Some things I've mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> ...Yesung's typical responses to Hyukjae being tactile or flirty with others  
> https://twitter.com/CloudintheM/status/1339278844285607936  
> https://twitter.com/CloudintheM/status/1339278906902388739
> 
> ...D&E's fanservice/closeness encouraged or influenced by the management (these are poor examples, but they're the first ones that came to my mind)  
> https://twitter.com/CloudintheM/status/1339314171087884290  
> https://twitter.com/CloudintheM/status/1361415705892065280?s=19
> 
> ...the events that took place in Macau  
> https://twitter.com/yuanHyuk_/status/1219204949499768834  
> https://twitter.com/CucarachaElf/status/1324155865503567878  
> https://twitter.com/CloudintheM/status/1339278998170443777  
> https://twitter.com/CloudintheM/status/1339339753422991363  
> https://twitter.com/CloudintheM/status/1339316581319528453  
> https://twitter.com/CucarachaElf/status/1335177747501604865  
> https://twitter.com/CloudintheM/status/1339327080765468672
> 
> ...the interview where Yesung told he'd been cheated on five times in the past  
> https://youtu.be/8JRzOMH_x6s

Beginning a romantic relationship at the ripe age of 30+ is bound to require some learning and adjusting from any couple, and Hyukjae knows that to be true in his and Jongwoon’s case, too.

Having lived most of their lives as single men (the reason initially being their fame, but also that ever growing partiality for one another, which made serious attachments to other people impossible for both and stubbed out all attempts at longer relationships from very early on), over the years they’ve each obtained a hefty amount of individual preferences, fixed habits and daily routines that must all be taken into account as they adapt and settle into their new life together – regardless of them not sharing a home as of yet.

However, compared to most new couples who have to start from scratch, they already have one great advantage: their relationship is first and foremost built on a long-lasting, deep friendship. From an outsider’s point of view, the sometimes rather stark contrast between their temperaments and ways of conduct should make it unlikely for them to succeed, but Hyukjae and Jongwoon are quite happily defying the odds and being the exception that proves the rule. Determined to make their relationship work after all the long years spent pining for one another, they’re both very willing to make any necessary sacrifices.

While no relationship is perfect, theirs is undoubtedly a real union of souls – the first binding strings between their hearts woven together in their youth, the bond growing unbreakable over time. They complement and balance each other out in ways many couples can only dream of. During the two decades they’ve spent together thus far, they’ve learned to love, respect and admire one another very much _because of_ their differences, not _despite of_ them. And after all that time, there really isn’t a single personality trait that could come as a big surprise to either of them. It’s only the profoundness of Jongwoon’s feelings for him – his willingness to give and receive love and show tenderness – that regularly leaves Hyukjae thoroughly astonished.

From the way Jongwoon sometimes looks at him during their most private moments, he knows he’s not the only one going through a revelation.

***

The unsuppressed physical side is, of course, something new to their relationship as well. Being each other’s first actual same-sex partners turns out to be much less of a challenge than they might’ve anticipated (after all, nothing could be more natural to them than, well, _them_ ) but in any case, it’s an aspect they’ve to take into consideration as they begin to slowly reveal all those little traits, quirks, wishes and desires they haven’t been able to share with anybody else before – the ones you usually only feel comfortable disclosing to another person when the relationship becomes more stable and reaches a certain level of intimacy.

Perhaps a little unexpectedly, their mutual inexperience in sexual relations between men proves to be an advantage in the bedroom department. It provides them with plenty of very enjoyable times (and a few giggles) as they explore different things and find out what really does it for the other one – what makes them moan loudly in ecstasy and what in turn reduces them to an incoherent, whimpering mess.

 _Yes_ , thinks Hyukjae dazedly one particular night as he tries something new on Jongwoon for the first time and watches him come undone beneath his hands, eyes losing focus and body spasming from the intense pleasure, _personality-wise this relationship might not offer that many surprises... But in other ways, there are definitely plenty of things yet to discover._

***

Having to hide their love from the world is the biggest, hardest difficulty they face – and one they have to deal with every single day. The opposition and contempt (be it direct or indirect) they encounter on a regular basis makes it clear from the very beginning that the path they’ve chosen to walk together won’t always be a smooth one.

If acting nonchalant and keeping his hands off Jongwoon had been a challenge for Hyukjae before they started dating, it becomes a truly laborious task now that they’re together. Knowing that his boyfriend shares the struggle is a small comfort.

Whenever they’re on stage (or out in the street or in any other public place, really, where there could be malicious people present – the sort that might want to harm them or their careers), they have to constantly keep their private personas in check, switching from lovers & life partners Hyukjae and Jongwoon to friends & bandmates Eunhyuk and Yesung, Tom & Jerry Duo Extraordinaire.

The more time they spend together and the stronger their intimacy grows, the tougher it gets to differentiate between the two and remember that while Jongwoon and Hyukjae are allowed to love and look and touch in the privacy of their homes, social norms prevent the idols Yesung and Eunhyuk from freely doing the same.

Sometimes, slip ups happen: One of them does something the other finds far too endearing to resist, love spills over, and for the shortest of moments before they’re able to catch themselves, their carefully maintained cover is blown as touches turn into caresses and softening eyes engage in a silent conversation of their own – speaking volumes about the true nature of their relationship.

Other times, having to yield to external pressure and act like nothing’s changed between them is enough to cause insecurity and misunderstandings.

When it comes to love, Jongwoon wears his heart on his sleeve and therefore finds it more difficult to keep their relationship a secret. However, he’s a lot better at concealing any feelings of jealousy, the only sign of his displeasure at Hyukjae getting a tad too tactile with someone else usually being just a light push on his boyfriend’s shoulder or a tap on his neck – a gentle reminder of _babe, you know I’m right here, don’t you_?

Despite being very attentive, cuddly and clingy behind closed doors, Hyukjae’s excellent at making it seem like Jongwoon’s nothing special to him when others are around (as he should be, considering he’s had years of practice). He’s perfected the act to such an extent that most onlookers fail spectacularly at spotting the subtle changes in his demeanour whenever Jongwoon’s near.

Out of the two of them, he’s the one who’s more hesitant to confirm his sexuality to outsiders – the one who’s more concerned about the general opinion towards their kind, scared of (and sometimes even a little paranoid about) the negative impact it could have on their lives and livelihoods if people were to find out about them – and consequently, rarely openly returns the affection his much braver boyfriend so readily bestows on him even when cameras are present.

The only thing Hyukjae’s still very bad at hiding, even in public, is jealousy. Rationality flies out of the window as soon as he finds anybody else showing particular interest in Jongwoon or trying to get close to him, and thus, he has a tendency to behave somewhat rashly in those situations, often exposing his true feelings in the process.

He partially expects his hyung to be as transparent about it as him, presuming Jongwoon more self-secure or simply less prone to jealousy on the grounds that he usually appears unbothered – at first mistaking his occasional after-show quietness and drooping head for weariness.

Jongwoon, not much of an advocate for fanservice himself (unless embracing and nuzzling Hyukjae on stage or hugging another member are considered as such), is mostly forced to look on silently as his boyfriend carries on doing it with the others.

To Hyukjae, fanservice is just what the name suggests – only that and nothing more – and if it’s him and Donghae being cute or touchy-feely the audience wants to see, so be it. It’s entertaining, harmless and completely meaningless anyway, something they’ve gotten used to doing to please the crowd. Unlike skinship with Jongwoon, it doesn’t threaten to expose a relationship Hyukjae’s trying to keep a secret, and therefore doesn’t have to be avoided.

(And as most fans are so eager to lap it up, it’s very much encouraged by their management, too. To put it frankly, it attracts money by creating more demand for anything and everything D&E: albums, products, merchandise… And so, that warm friendship and natural chemistry between him and Donghae has become a profitable source of income any company or artist would be foolish not to exploit – a fantasy many gullible people are happy to buy, no questions asked.)

All in all, fanservice holds so little significance to Hyukjae that at first, he doesn’t even realise he should probably also consider his boyfriend’s feelings on the matter, almost wholly unaware of how at times, the happy sparkle momentarily disappears from Jongwoon’s eyes as he watches his dongsaeng flirt with someone else on stage – how he blinks and turns away before the sight of Hyukjae in another man’s arms can make him too upset.

Jongwoon never says anything. He just gives his boyfriend a half-hearted smile or a soft hug as he passes him by, intent on not spoiling any of his fun.

It’s only in the end of January in Macao – during two days of emotional rollercoaster neither of them is particularly keen to reminisce on later – that Hyukjae finally learns his hyung might not be quite as indifferent to his flirty behaviour as he’d thought.

***

Grey clouds begin to darken the evening sky over the city as the members and the team are finishing the last check-ups before the first concert, but even though he’s sitting by a window, Hyukjae doesn’t really notice them - he’s far too occupied with the ones gathering above his own head.

Rubbing his temples, he tries to fight the growing sense of dread as he’s once again approached by a member of his crew, the expression on her face already signalling she’s bearing bad news.

“ _Oh no_ … Please don’t tell me there’s another problem?”

“I’m sorry.” She really looks apologetic. “It’s the LED wall again. Same problem as in Manila.”

“How bad is it this time?” He’s almost afraid to ask.

“It’s… mendable. We’re trying to sort everything out but we’re running out of time. We might not be able to get it fixed before the show starts.”

Hyukjae lets out a frustrated groan.

“ _Fuck_.”

“Assistant stage director-nim asked if you could come for a moment, he wants to run things through with you in case the problem persists.”

“Tell him I’ll be with him in a minute.”

She nods and turns away, and Hyukjae heads to the other direction in search of his boyfriend.

_He needs Jongwoon._

He needs his arms around him right now, needs to hear his calm voice telling him everything will be okay. That all these trivial things don’t matter, that the show is going to be amazing anyway.

He needs Jongwoon to keep him sane.

But when Hyukjae eventually finds the man, his mood turns from slightly irritated to full-on sour.

Jongwoon’s half sitting, half leaning on a table, gorgeous in the white show outfit Hyukjae loves on him so much, light and shadow playing with his exposed arms and bringing out the defined muscles of his shoulders as he gestures with his hands to emphasize a point. His dark eyeliner and sexily tousled hair are giving him a slightly feral look – which in normal circumstances would be making Hyukjae’s knees weak – but the fact that there’s another male right next to Jongwoon, unabashedly gawking at him like he’s looking at a delicious meal, is enough to make the younger one’s blood boil in an instant.

He watches from the doorway as the man – a youngish, good-looking member of the local staff – lets his eyes rake all over his boyfriend’s form, gaze hungrily lingering on places which Hyukjae has lately began to see as his private property, hand “accidentally” landing on Jongwoon’s thigh as he laughs at something the older man is saying.

When Jongwoon smiles at him, Hyukjae’s seen enough. Turning on his heel, he storms off, gritting his teeth and hands balled into fists.

In his anger and hastiness, he fails to notice the smile Jongwoon bestows on the man is not the warm, smitten one (or indeed the interested, flirty one) he reserves for Hyukjae only, but the friendly, long-suffering one, which he uses for mere acquaintances and total strangers when he’s trying very hard to remain polite in the face of their impertinence.

He doesn’t see how Jongwoon flinches away from the man’s foreign, unwelcome touch, either.

As he marches towards the stage to find his AD and the electronics crew, Hyukjae tries to calm himself down as best as he can and banish the dubious, jealous thoughts from his mind. _He wouldn’t_ , he tells himself over and over again, _he wouldn’t_.

The self-convincing works only partially, and later on as they’re all assembling for the last briefing before the show and Jongwoon strolls towards him with his hands in his back pockets and a wide smile on his face, Hyukjae’s answering expression resembles a grimace more than anything else.

“So, you were finally able to drag yourself away from him?” He keeps his voice down so that the people rushing back and worth around them won’t hear.

Jongwoon looks confused. “Sorry?”

“You should be.” Hyukjae can’t keep the resentment away from his voice.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Never mind. Just get ready now.”

“No, something’s bothering you. What is it?” He tilts his head, trying to meet his dongsaeng’s eye. “What have I done?”

“Like you don’t know.” He turns his back on Jongwoon, and when his hyung tries to grab him by the elbow, he only shakes his fingers off.

“Hyukjae,” Jongwoon’s countenance is rapidly becoming alarmed and hurt as he moves in front of his boyfriend again, “I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Let me enlighten you, then,” says the younger one ill-humouredly. “Tall, handsome guy. Man bun. Tattoos. Ring any bells?”

His hyung looks at him with a frown. “Not really.”

_Fair enough – half of their own roadies look like that. But Hyukjae won’t be admitting that anytime soon._

“Funny, what with him being all over you less than twenty minutes ago.”

“What – you mean the venue manager?” Jongwoon seems to have hard time believing his ears, and that should be enough for Hyukjae to realise his mistake – but as it happens, he’s so stressed out right now that reason evades him and every negative feeling gets heightened instead.

“Ah, so you do remember. I thought you would, seeing as he-”

“Hyojjae,” and Jongwoon looks like he’s about to burst out laughing, “ _Hyojjae_. You’re jealous of the _venue manager_?”

“I’m glad you find that amusing,” the younger one says sarcastically. “Because I don’t.”

“ _Aish_.” The older one rolls his eyes. “Apart from the whole trust issue we’ve here – I mean come on, _seriously_ , Hyukjae? – I also find it slightly offensive you actually believe I’d be interested in a sleazy guy like him.”

“Well, it’s hard to come to any other conclusion, unfortunately.”

“Excuse me?”

“I saw you two earlier. He was trying to make a pass at you, and you weren’t exactly pushing him away.”

“Okay. I don’t know what you saw, but clearly not enough if this is how you see the situation,” Jongwoon shakes his head. “This is ridiculous!”

“…You find my feelings ridiculous?”

“No! _No_ , that’s not what I said at all. Do you have hearing problems?” His hyung’s starting to sound exasperated, too. Neither of them slept particularly well last night, and tiredness is gnawing on Jongwoon’s renowned patience and making him more irritable than usual.

(They take turns tiptoeing to each other’s hotel rooms during the tour, Jongwoon and him. It means that every other morning, one of them has to wake up at an ungodly hour and risk being spotted sprinting half naked back to their own room – but that’s a risk they’re both willing to take. And as their busy schedules had kept them apart for a number of days prior the departure to China, after the reunion yesterday they'd really had… _better things_ to do than sleep last night.)

Besides being tired, being wrongly accused isn’t really helping Jongwoon to keep his cool, either.

“You’re being silly, babe. As if I’d ever-”

“I’m being silly, am I?”

“ _Yes_ , very. I admit I did notice his interest, but I made it very clear I wasn’t available. I left him on his own as soon as I could.”

A shadow of a doubt still lingers. “So it took you this long to get rid of him?”

“I’ve been in the makeup & hair, noona thought I needed a touch up. Gosh, Hyukjae, this isn’t like you-”

By the time their stupid little lover’s tiff reaches its peak, they’re both feeling very misunderstood. After a litany of arguments and counterarguments (as well as some hissed profanities) thrown back and forth, they’re left standing face to face, hackles raised and tension palpable in the air.

Normally, a situation like this would probably be soon resolved with one of them grabbing the other by the lapels, silencing him with an aggressive kiss and finally putting both of their minds at rest, but as their heated discussion has now managed to attract everyone’s attention (apparently, a quarrel à la Tom and Jerry – however hushed – is a spectacle nobody wants to miss) and they’re currently being stared at by the rest of the members and their entire crew, that is, _alas_ , not an option. And so, instead of the usual steamy makeup session, their row is this time cut short by the ticking clock and the staff ushering them to the stage.

The overall mood improves as the concert gets underway, and as everything seems to be going without a hitch (even the LED screen’s decided to stop being a pain in the neck and is working faultlessly), Hyukjae’s starting to actually enjoy the show.

However, the tension between him and Jongwoon doesn’t dissipate quite as quickly and thus, they spend almost half of the concert playing hot and cold with each other – the unchanging, irresistible pull between them constantly overriding any remaining feelings of annoyance, making them alternate between trying to half-jokingly vex the other person even more and involuntarily seeking out their presence and touch.

At some point, Hyukjae decides to drag Donghae into their petulant little game, too: petting him (in a blatantly calculated fashion) right under Jongwoon’s nose, all the while gauging his boyfriend’s reactions.

Although obviously seeing through his bluff right away, Jongwoon’s still unable to stop himself from rising to the bait. With narrowed eyes and a strained smile, he repeatedly goes to push Hyukjae’s hand away from Donghae’s arm – the rare, unconcealed display of his jealousy and possessiveness making his dongsaeng’s stomach do a flip or two.

He can’t help but provoke Jongwoon – purposefully and rather childishly – in a similar manner at least a few more times during the rest of the show.

He isn’t even sure why he does it.

Some might say it’s because his boyfriend’s jealousy is a secret turn-on for him. Others might suggest it’s because it serves to reassure Hyukjae that despite his faults, he’s still very much loved and wanted by his hyung – something he’s subconsciously anxious about after quarrelling with his better half.

Whatever the reason behind his actions, Hyukjae eventually sees the light and understands how unjustifiable all of them have been when during the closing ment, Jongwoon escapes from Siwon’s playful hold and ends up stumbling right into his arms – taking them both by surprise and forcing Hyukjae to look at him, _really, truly look at him_ , for the first time after their row in the course of the whole evening.

Given no time to prepare themselves and put on their customary act, they’re left staring at one another like two deer in the headlights, both frozen to the spot, their hearts missing a few beats due to the unexpected proximity.

Jongwoon’s eyes are serious, honest and full of yearning, and for a moment that feels like an eternity but in reality can’t be longer than a few seconds, Hyukjae’s completely mesmerized, love and shame washing over him like a tidal wave.

_My baby._

He can’t believe he’s just spent the whole evening trying to intentionally upset this man – can’t suddenly remember a single reason why he’s been mad at him in the first place.

_My Yesungie._

As the screaming audience snaps him out of his trance, making him tear his gaze away from Jongwoon and reflexively poke him in the side as the man turns and walks away, Hyukjae’s once again thankful for the excess amount of practice he’s had in hiding his feelings for his hyung. (For that, and for the fact that he’s wearing a headband tonight: it’s at least partly covering his blushing ears.)

_If they only knew._

If they only knew the amount of self-control needed for respecting the demands of time, place and the _damned people_ and not simply leaning in – if they only knew how close Hyukjae had been to giving up the pretence altogether just now-

The sudden jab has Jongwoon jumping and flashing him a small, surprised smile, and at that moment, all Hyukjae wants is reconciliation – all he wishes for is to be left alone with his hyung so that he can apologize.

Kiss him, hug him close.

Make things right.

_Make that smile reach his eyes again._

***

Hyukjae’s plan to take Jongwoon to a secluded part of the backstage for a quick talk after the show is sabotaged by the fact that there simply isn’t one – every nook and corner is either crammed with equipment, or bustling with activity as the crew members rush around, working diligently to get everything ready for the second concert tomorrow.

His attempt to get in the same car as Jongwoon also fails as the maknaes beat him to it, occupying the last remaining free seats and leaving him standing disappointed at the curb.

For a moment, he feels pretty darn helpless – and if the sympathetic glances he receives from some onlookers are anything to go by, he’s also doing a pretty darn bad job at hiding it.

***

Hyukjae’s car is the last to leave the venue.

When he finally steps into the hotel foyer, there are still some members loitering about, but neither Jongwoon nor the maknaes are anywhere in sight.

“Hyung,” he calls out to the manager who’d accompanied the trio in the car earlier, “where’s everyone?”

“Everyone as in..?”

“Kyuhyun-a, Ryeowook-a,” Hyukjae tries to make it less obvious who he’s really inquiring after, “Yesung-hyung.”

The manager tells him he’ll find the maknaes at the hotel restaurant. Jongwoon, he informs Hyukjae, has chosen to skip the late dinner the staff is currently arranging for the members and already gone to bed. _Now, would Eunhyuk himself want to order anything from the kitchen_ …?

Hyukjae declines the offer – he’s really not that hungry, the only thing he wants right now is to see Jongwoon – and heads to the lifts, muttering a lousy excuse about a call he’d promised to make to throw the manager off the scent.

Stopping briefly by his own suite to drop off his belongings first, he then makes his way down the hallway towards his boyfriend’s, tracing his own steps from the night before. He’s in luck: with the exception of a lone housekeeper disappearing round the corner with her squeaky cleaning cart, there isn’t a single soul in the corridor outside their rooms.

Jongwoon opens the door on the third knock.

He’s shirtless and barefaced, and from the smudged makeup remover wipe in his hand and the blurred eyeliner on his lids, Hyukjae can tell he’s caught his hyung in the middle of a skin cleansing routine. He looks very tired and _very, very_ beautiful – smeared eyeliner and all – and as soon as Hyukjae sees his face, the words come rushing out of his mouth.

“ _I love you_ ,” his voice cracks a little, “I was an idiot today. I was in a bad mood because I was so stressed out about the show, and I took it all out on you. Can you forgive me?”

The makeup wipe flutters to the floor.

Drawing in a shaky breath, Jongwoon takes Hyukjae’s hand, pulling him in and closing the door.

For a few heartbeats, they just stare solemnly at one another. Then one of them makes a small, distressed sound, and that’s all it takes for them to step forward into each other’s arms and cling on – both relieved to be back where they belong after a long, miserable day spent mentally apart.

Jongwoon presses himself as close to his boyfriend as physically possible, stroking his back.

“Hyukjae, I’m just as much at fault. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that, you didn’t deserve any of it.”

The dongsaeng shakes his head. “But I was the one who took it too far.”

They stand there for a long time, embracing and whispering more apologies, telling each other _I love you, baby, I love you_ until Hyukjae takes Jongwoon’s face between his hands and kisses him – the tenderness of the act speaking louder than any words ever could,

and then kisses him again,

_and again and again and again,_

heat building with each and every kiss until that tenderness turns into passion and passion turns into all-consuming lust,

until their need burns so bright that the only option Jongwoon's left with,

is to clasp Hyukjae by the thighs, lift him and carry him to the bed.

***

If there’s a slightly desperate edge to Jongwoon’s touches and kisses as he makes love to his dongsaeng that night – if he holds him a little bit tighter than usual afterwards – Hyukjae blames it entirely on their earlier row.

It doesn’t even cross his mind there could be a deeper, underlying issue, and Jongwoon doesn’t bring one up, either.

He doesn’t get a chance.

Exhausted from the physical and emotional strain of the day, they both fall asleep while they’re still coming down from the postcoital high – before they’ve been able to really talk things through.

***

Hyukjae tries to be very quiet and not wake Jongwoon up as he’s parting with him in the morning (the insomniac hyung needs all the sleep he can get), but the thoughtful idea is ruined by the loud hiss of pain that escapes from him when his big toe collides with a bed leg.

Hearing Jongwoon’s voice sleepily mumbling his name and asking what happened, he turns back to face him in the darkness.

“Shh, Aesong. Go back to sleep.”

“Did you hurt yourself?”

“Nah, I was just being clumsy.” The older one gets a sweet little peck on the cheek. “Really, go back to sleep.”

“Okay.” Jongwoon’s hand fumbles around and finds his, their fingers intertwining. “Hyukj-a. Can we talk properly after the concert tonight? We barely got to exchange two words last night.”

Willing to work through any issues that might still be bothering them after their argument yesterday, the younger one promises him they’ll do just that.

As he strides towards his own room five minutes later, Hyukjae’s humming a happy tune, certain that nothing can spoil the day. He doesn’t even care when he bumps into one of their staff members on the way. Confident that she doesn’t have a clue where he’s just been, Hyukjae only greets her cheerily and ignores the confused look she sends his way – obviously surprised to find him awake at this hour.

His good mood makes him extra playful during the second show.

He doesn’t really think much of it when he maintains a safe distance to Jongwoon (not because he wants to, but because he has to – hyung is looking _really_ good, and the night before is still a fresh memory in Hyukjae’s mind) and keeps doing all the usual fanservice he’s done in almost every show since they started the tour (the audience has pretty much come to expect him and Donghae grabbing each other’s butts during Believe and pretend-kissing on the table during Somebody New), but as the evening progresses, he can’t help but notice Jongwoon getting more and more subdued again, the observation making him slightly concerned.

His hyung smiles at him whenever their eyes meet – crouches down behind him and hugs him softly as he’s interacting with the fans during Too Many Beautiful Girls, too – but Hyukjae can’t shake the uncomfortable feeling in his gut that something’s amiss.

His hunch gets confirmed when they’ve taken the last bows and exit the stage.

As he and his assistant director are discussing the notes the latter’s been taking in the backstage during the show, Hyukjae catches Jongwoon coming his way from the corner of his eye. Turning fully towards him, he grins expectantly at his boyfriend but only gets a small, unhappy smile in return.

The line of Jongwoon’s shoulders is tense, and uneasiness settles in the pit of Hyukjae’s stomach right away. “What is it hon- hyung?” He almost calls him _honey_ in front of the AD, but catches himself at the last second.

“I just came to tell you I’m going to head to the hotel already.”

Hyukjae’s heart sinks a little. “Without… without me?” His tone makes the AD do a stealthy double take. “Hyung, I thought we’d share a car.” Now that their Macao tour is drawing to a close, as the stage director he still has some managerial things to sort out before he can leave the venue – and they both know it. “Don’t you want to take a shower and change your clothes first?”

“I’ll do that at the hotel.”

“In that case give me a moment and I’ll be ready to leave, too.”

“Nah, it’s okay, you take your time. Siwon already promised to share a ride with me. And Donghae-ya said he’ll wait for you.” There’s a short pause before Jongwoon gives the AD a conspiratorial wink and forces out a laugh. “I wouldn’t want to intrude on the boyfriends, they’ll enjoy each other’s company much more without me as a third wheel.”

The AD chuckles, but Hyukjae can only gape at Jongwoon. _What?_

“Yesungie-”

“Hyung?” _Siwon_. “I’m ready to leave now if you are. Do you have all your personal stuff with you?”

“Yeah. Right here,” Jongwoon raises his right arm, which has a jacket draped over it and a bag dangling from the crook of the elbow. He addresses his next words to his boyfriend, attempting a smile but not quite meeting his eyes. “I’ll see you later, Eunhyuk-a?”

The dongsaeng nods and watches with trepidation as Siwon wraps his arm around Jongwoon’s shoulders and guides him away, murmuring something so quietly in his ear that Hyukjae can’t make out the words.

He follows them with his eyes as they go, listening to their voices drifting away as they walk down the corridor towards the arena’s backdoor exit, heads bent together in a private conversation.

The assistant director raises his brows in a silent question when he notices the sudden worry lines on his face. Hyukjae flashes him an insincere, stiff little smile and turns away, swallowing down the anxiousness rising like a bile in his throat.

***

Fifty minutes and one nerve-racking traffic jam later, Hyukjae’s once again standing in front of Jongwoon’s hotel room door.

Feeling jittery, he raises his hand to knock – only then realising the door’s already slightly ajar, muffled but distinguishable voices reaching his ears from inside and stopping his hand mid-air.

Hyukjae’s only able to catch parts of the conversation here and there, but he can tell Jongwoon sounds frustrated when he speaks. The second voice answering him in a calming manner belongs – a little surprisingly – to Teukkie hyung.

“…adamant about not touching me in public when he clearly doesn’t have a problem with doing it to other guys, and they’re saying…”

“…fanservice. I don’t think they mean it that way…”

“…avoids me like the plague. If I try to as much as hug him on stage, he practically…”

“…misleading, but it’s been going on so long it would be weird…”

“…trying not to overthink this, but what if…”

“…don’t have an answer to that, you need to ask Eunhyuk-a…”

Putting an end to his eavesdropping, Hyukjae announces his presence by knocking on the doorframe and peeking inside. “Hello?”

He startles them both. Jongwoon, standing by the window, quickly turns away to hide his face.

“Eunhyuk-a.” Their leader gets slowly up from the armchair he’s been slouching on and looks back and forth between them a few times. “Speak of the devil.”

“Hyung?”

“I’ll take this as my cue to leave. You lovebirds have some discussing to do. Yesungs,” he addresses Jongwoon, “think about what I said earlier.” He smiles, patting Hyukjae on the back as he passes him by. “I’ll see you both tomorrow. Good night.”

And he vanishes through the door, closing it silently behind himself.

For a moment, Hyukjae simply stares at Jongwoon’s rigid, unmoving form. Then he moves closer, stopping hesitantly right behind him. Lifting his hand, he runs his fingers down the line of Jongwoon’s spine, feeling him tense up even more.

“Everything ok?”

His hyung only shrugs, staring out of the window at the twinkling city lights below. Hyukjae can see the reflection of his face on the glass. He looks dejected.

Confused and somewhat feeling like he’s taking a risk, Hyukjae caresses his way across Jongwoon’s back and around the waist onto the abdomen, where he rests his hand – fingers splayed, possessive. When Jongwoon’s hand closes over his and his body relaxes against him a bit, Hyukjae feels relieved.

Finally able to touch his hyung like he’s wanted to do all day, he plants a small kiss on his clothed shoulder, hooking his chin over it.

“I missed you today.”

If you can't show your affection openly, it's possible to miss someone even if they're standing right next to you – and Jongwoon seems to understand Hyukjae perfectly. His answer comes in a whisper. “ _I missed you, too.”_

For a while, they just sway together gently in a semi-comfortable silence.

Hyukjae is the first to break it.

“What were you and Teukkie-hyung talking about just now?”

His softly asked question makes Jongwoon open his eyelids which have involuntarily fallen shut. “Me, mostly,” he replies. “And… you.”

Hyukjae gives him a squeeze. “You need to elaborate a bit.”

The older one sighs. “Fanservice, skinship… that sort of thing. And some messages I’ve been receiving more and more frequently.”

“I’m still not quite following.”

“Well.” Jongwoon takes a deep breath, visibly conflicted whether to tell him the truth or not. In the end, he chooses honesty. “Hyung was telling me I should stop listening to all the people who only wish me harm. Especially the ones who want you to ditch me.”

Hyukjae meets his eyes through the reflection. “What do you mean?” He frowns. “Who wants me to ditch you?”

“Half of our fandom who sees you and Donghae as a couple. Some… have started to suspect something and they really don’t like the idea of you and me together. They see me as an intruder, someone who’s trying to steal you from Donghae.”

Hyukjae lets out a disbelieving sound and feels Jongwoon stiffening in his arms. “Are you sure you’re not misinterpreting their- I mean, I’m sure they don’t-”

“Don’t they?” his hyung interrupts him quietly. “When that’s all they keep telling me on SNS every time they see you and me getting close?”

Hyukjae feels his heart still for a second. “They… they do?”

Jongwoon sighs. “You thought you and Donghae were the only ones they pester about your supposed relationship all the time?”

“ _What_ ,” and Hyukjae has to clear his throat because it suddenly feels like there’s something stuck inside, “ _are they saying to you_?”

Jongwoon stares outside for a moment again, worrying his lower lip. Then he turns his head a bit to look Hyukjae in the face.

“That you hate me.” He tries to appear unbothered, but his eyes betray him. He’s sad. “That you’re merely trying to tolerate me but it’s obvious you don’t really like me. That I’m a disgusting creep who’s harassing you with my skinship and trying to push myself between their precious couple.”

Hyukjae's speechless.

He closes his eyes briefly, trying to get his emotions under control. The anger he feels towards the poisonous people so intent on hurting his beloved, kind Jongwoon makes him sick to his stomach.

“I know I shouldn’t care,” continues the older one, the hand holding Hyukjae’s tightening for a second. “When we weren’t together yet, I could actually endure it pretty well. But now that things are the way they are, there are days when it just… gets to me.” There’s a hint of resignation in his voice. “And the worst thing is, I sometimes can’t help but think they’re right. You _do_ deserve better.”

“That’s… not…”

“This may sound stupid,” Jongwoon swallows audibly, “but there are moments when I think you’re now choosing to be with me only because someone better is yet to come along. Someone more attractive, someone who’s generally easier to be around.”

For a while, neither says anything. Hyukjae doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry – although right now, the latter feels like the more likely and fitting option.

“Jongwoon.” The younger one can feel a small tremor travel through the man’s body at the rare use of his real name. “ _There’s no one better_.”

It gets very quiet in the room.

“No one comes even close to what you mean to me. My friends, our members… they’re my brothers. Whereas you,” he buries his face between his lover’s shoulder blades, inhales a lungful of his scent, “you’re my _life_. Have been for such a long time now, much longer than these weeks we’ve officially been together. Truth be told, I’m not sure there ever was a time when you weren’t.”

Jongwoon gives a minuscule, unconvinced shake of his head, eyes closed. Hyukjae turns him around in his hold and uses both hands to frame his face, thumbs stroking over his cheekbones.

“Sweetheart. _Look at me_.”

Upon hearing the endearment which still feels novel when directed at him, Jongwoon reluctantly obeys.

“You’re the one meant for me. My soulmate, the only person that fully completes me. The _only one_ I want. You hear me?”

His hyung searches his eyes and must recognize the sincerity in them, because he inhales and exhales slowly in a sigh, releasing the tension he’s been holding thus far.

“I do.” There’s embarrassment hiding deep inside Jongwoon’s own dark chocolate eyes. He hangs his head. “I’m sorry.”

Hyukjae draws him closer. “Why are you apologizing? You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Jongwoon’s arms wrap around his waist. “But I shouldn’t be like this. I have no right to be.” Hyukjae feels a warm puff of air against the crook of his neck as the older one sighs again. “It’s just… Everything’s still so new and even now, I can’t quite believe you’ve actually chosen _me_ of all people, when there are so many others who could offer you much, much more. These past few weeks have felt like a beautiful dream and I’m scared I’m going to wake up any moment and discover you’ve started to regret everything.”

Hyukjae opens his mouth to protest, but Jongwoon leans back to look him in the eyes. “No, listen. You’re so happy and spontaneous and easy-going and people can’t help but be attracted to you, whereas I’m just… me. Quiet and introverted, and not very exciting at all. Even when I try to be more open and show my true personality, people don’t call me interesting – they call me a weirdo. I know I could never compete with a better alternative, if it came to that.”

“Nonsense.”

“…What?”

“What you’re saying – it’s total nonsense. You’re downplaying yourself grossly. There are thousands of people who’d be ready to kill for even the smallest chance to date you.”

“But-“

“I’m the lucky one here, Yesung!” Hyukjae shakes the other man gently. “Let me tell you something. Even after knowing you for almost twenty years, I still find you endlessly fascinating. You’re the cleverest, funniest, most charming person I’ve ever met. I haven’t loved anybody like I love you, and no matter where I am or who I’m with, you always shine out to me – like the brightest star.”

Jongwoon stares at him for a long moment. Then he chuckles quietly, sounding a bit choked up. “Damn you and your poetic ways, Lee Hyukjae.”

The younger one touches his cheek. “I mean every single word.”

His hyung dives back into his embrace and squeezes him tightly. “I know. You’re not a liar.”

For a while they just stand there, hugging each other and revelling in their closeness. Hyukjae caresses Jongwoon’s nape and strokes his hair, turning his head to leave light kisses on the face pressed against his own.

“I think… I think my old insecurities might’ve gotten the better of me today,” the older one eventually breaks the silence. “I don’t know why. Maybe it had something to do with the argument we had yesterday, or maybe it’s just something that I’ve been unconsciously thinking about for some time now. After being cheated on in the past, it’s sometimes difficult to trust that no one is going to steal my happiness away again. I… get this irrational fear that if somebody was to offer you a better option, you’d want to take it.”

“I wouldn’t.” Hyukjae knows it for a fact. “My stupid heart went and chose you when we were just kids, and made me chase your sorry ass for eighteen years. I’d say that shows some consistency and devotedness, don’t you? Do you really think I’d let you go, now that I finally have you?”

He feels it’s safe to joke and tease again now that they’re out of the storm’s eye, and Jongwoon’s answering laughter tells him he’s made the right choice. Hyukjae smiles, weight leaving his chest and allowing him to breathe with ease once more. He pulls back so that he can see Jongwoon’s eyes.

“Aesongie… I may be a bit of a hopeless flirt sometimes, but I would never cheat on you. _Never_. I’ve been in the same situation myself, I know what it feels like to be treated so badly. I could never do that to you.”

“I know. I trust you. I’d never do that to you either. Just… promise me you’ll tell me if you get bored of me one day? Promise you’ll let me know if I’m not enough.” His expression is very serious. “It’d be hard to accept, but I think it’d be even harder to bear the pain of being suddenly dumbed for someone else without a warning, and only then learning you’d been unhappy with me.”

“That won’t ever happen, but I promise. Will you promise me, too?”

“Yes.” Jongwoon nods, and grimaces right after. “God, it hurts to even think about the possibility.”

“Well, I for one intend to spend the rest of my life with you, so you can stop making yourself upset by thinking about our improbable breakup.” Hyukjae grins. “Unless the thought of being stuck with me makes you even more miserable.”

“Hmm,” Jongwoon pretends to be actually considering which alternative he finds worse, and Hyukjae slaps him on the chest.

“Yah!”

Jongwoon laughs again, and his dongsaeng joins him. Then he lifts Jongwoon’s chin and meets his eyes, smiling softly. “I’m glad you told me how you feel. Can I confess something, too?”

His hyung looks at him questioningly.

“Well, I’m sure it hasn’t escaped your notice,” Hyukjae lets out a short, self-deprecating laugh, “but I get jealous, too. Like, _a lot_. Just yesterday, I wanted to throttle that guy who was hitting on you. And today, I was almost ready to give our poor Ryeonggu a good, heartfelt kick on the butt.”

“What? _Why_?”

“He kept pressing himself to your side and looking at you with his doe eyes like you were the seventh wonder of the world or something. Which you are,” he adds cheekily, “but you know what I mean.”

“Hyukjae,” Jongwoon’s expression is half incredulous, half amused, “Ryeonggu and I aren’t-”

“You don’t have to say it, I know. _I know_ it was nothing like that, but I still couldn’t help but feel a little jealous.” He pouts. “You’re mine.”

Jongwoon shakes his head with a fond smile. “That, I am. Lord help me.”

“ _Hyuuung_.”

The older one grins. “All right, all right. I’m being serious now. I hear what you’re saying. We’re both very loving people and we prefer to show our affection towards our friends by touching them. And you,” he places his hands on Hyukjae’s hips, “you’re a dancer, and that requires a lot of close contact with others. I get that fanservice kind of comes with the territory. I… I might not always be happy to see you acting intimate with other people or hearing the crowd go wild at whatever you’re doing with someone else, but I can live with it.” He brings their foreheads together. “I just wish people would let us live and love in peace.”

Hyukjae’s hand returns to Jongwoon’s nape, thumb softly stroking the skin behind his ear. “Are you talking about those so called fans who are leaving hate comments?” At his hyung’s confirmation, he sighs heavily. “I also wish there was a way to stop them. But let them blabber! What do we care about what they think? They’re blind enough to only notice what’s happening on the surface and ignore the subtle, actually meaningful things that lie beneath. When you’re near me in public, I don’t act the way I do because I don’t like it – it’s because I _do_. Your proximity makes me feel things and I’m scared everybody will notice. People might never learn the difference between what’s genuine and what’s fake, but we know the truth. You know I’m yours, I know you’re mine. That won’t change, no matter what happens on stage.”

Hyukjae studies Jongwoon’s face up close and gently bumps their noses together. “It’s not always easy to see them pair us up with other people and be so downright delusional and aggressive about it… But in a way,” and a wry smile starts tugging at the younger man’s lips as the irony of the whole situation dawns on him, “isn’t it a perfect cover, them thinking that Eunhae or Yekyu or whatever is real?”

“A cover for what?”

“For this,” Hyukjae kisses Jongwoon tenderly, lovingly. “For us. The _actual_ real deal.”

***

Later at night, a sudden though occurs and Hyukjae’s fingers – which have been absentmindedly drawing patterns on Jongwoon’s shower fresh arm and shoulder – stop abruptly.

“Yesung!”

“Mmh?” Jongwoon is already half asleep.

“How does Teukkie-hyung know?”

“Know what?”

“About us? I thought Donghae was the only one who knew.” He sits up and looks at Jongwoon in the soft light of the bedside reading lamp. “But hyung called us lovebirds!”

“Um…”

“And you said you two discussed the messages haters were sending you about us. To me, that sounds like he’s at least aware there’s something going on?”

“Well,” Jongwoon’s sudden shifty eyes don’t exactly help quelling Hyukjae’s suspicions. “He’s… _aware_ , yes. He’d noticed something and asked about it around a week ago.”

“…And?”

“And I told him everything.”

“ _You did what now_?!” Hyukjae isn’t proud of the way his voice ascends to an almost falsetto.

His partner chuckles, low and amused.

“Relax, Dongba. He’s totally fine with it. ‘About time’ were his chosen words, if I remember correctly.” He grins. “Shindong was very happy for us, too.”

“Shin…dong?”

Jongwoon has the decency to look a little bit sheepish after his slip of the tongue. “Errr, yeah. He… might’ve also been present when I told Teukkie-hyung?”

Hyukjae could be knocked over with a feather.

His hyung feels the need to justify himself. “I’m pretty sure they all have a hunch by now, anyway. If they still haven’t figured it out after spending so much time with us, they’re even more wilfully ignorant than the people who are dead set on believing Donghae’s lying when he says he wants to get married to a woman, and genuinely think he spends the time between his prayers sodomizing you.”

It’s said in a jest, but the words still have the tiniest edge.

Surprised and little impressed by his hyung’s ability to make a joke about the subject that's slightly delicate to him, Hyukjae lets out a bark of laughter that echoes noisily in the room. Jongwoon claps a hand over his mouth and uses his own body to tackle him back down onto the bed, pressing his lips against the shell of his ear.

“Keep being this loud and I’m sure the manager sleeping next door will find out about us soon, too,” he warns huskily, unable to resist the temptation to take his dongsaeng’s earlobe between his teeth, nipping it sensually and forcing him to suppress a whole body shiver.

As soon as his earlobe is freed again, Hyukjae retaliates by quickly pushing his hyung over, succeeding in reversing their positions. Straddling him, he seizes Jongwoon’s wrists and bends down to brush their lips teasingly together.

“Shall we see which one of us is going to be loud enough to alert the people behind the wall, Mr. Kim?”

When Jongwoon tries to surge up to claim his lips in a proper kiss, Hyukjae pulls away a bit and holds him down more firmly. “Tsk, tsk! Not so hasty, my love. You’ve no idea what those long legs of yours in those leather trousers you wore earlier have been doing to me all day. I could only look, but not touch, and it was killing me the whole time.” He lowers his voice to a seductive whisper. “ _I think it’s your turn to suffer for a bit_.”

Jongwoon gulps, his eyes widening a fraction. Hyukjae smiles at him, lazy and suggestive, and starts mouthing his way down the long neck – eliciting a low moan from him as he sucks on a particularly sensitive spot.

“That’s a good start,” he says appreciatively, releasing the hold on Jongwoon’s wrists and shifting to lie beside him, “but you’ll be _much, much louder_ when I’ve finished having my way with you.”

And he tangles his fingers in his hyung’s hair, pulls his head back and continues to abuse his neck with his mouth while his free hand roams slowly on the lithe body beneath: over the heaving chest, downwards over the taut, quivering abs, along and past the waistband of his underwear and further down, down, down…

Jongwoon’s breath hitches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm finally on Twitter 😁  
> https://mobile.twitter.com/CloudintheM  
> Give me a follow if you like 😘


	22. 2020, part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More people are let in on the secret.
> 
> Warning: This chapter has mature content 🔥 Nothing too explicit, but the implications are _definitely_ there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the second to last chapter, people! We're almost at the end. One more chapter and the epilogue to go, and this monstrosity is finally finished 🥳
> 
> Check the end notes for links to some of the things that inspired this chapter.
> 
> Happy reading!

Hyukjae loves lazy mornings.

To him, nothing is better than waking up to a new day and seeing his boyfriend’s face first thing, knowing nothing or no one is going to disturb them or force them to separate any sooner than they’d like – knowing that they have all the time in the world to do whatever they please.

Even stay cuddling in bed for the whole day if they feel like it.

In the midst of a tour and other formal engagements, mornings like this are a small luxury: something that Hyukjae’s come to cherish over these past few months.

_And speaking of things he cherishes…_

With his squinty eyes and fluffy hair, just awakened Jongwoon is the epitome of adorableness – even when he’s diving underneath a pillow and pressing it against his ears to block out the sound of Hyukjae’s blaring alarm, groaning and asking him to turn it off before the entire apartment complex wakes up.

Chuckling at his grumpy tone, the younger one obeys him and then tosses his phone aside. “Sorry, love. I set the alarm for the entire week on Monday and forgot to disable it last night. I’m trying to have a healthier sleeping pattern.”

Yawning and stretching his arms above his head, he watches his boyfriend emerge from his hiding place again. The sight makes him smile fondly, his heart swelling with affection. Leaning over, he plants a chaste kiss on Jongwoon’s cheekbone and another one on his cupid’s bow. “Morning, cutie-pie.”

“Excuse me?” Jongwoon pretends to be affronted, but the good-humoured glint in his eyes betrays him. “Thou hast all this handsomeness and manliness before thee,” he moves his hand over his own body with a flourish, “and the word thou goest for is _cutie-pie?_ ”

The way he’s wrinkling his nose isn’t really helping his case – it rather defeats the purpose by making him look even more endearing.

“Ah, my bad!” Hyukjae facepalms, faking seriousness. “You’re basically the Korean counterpart of The Rock – how could I let that fact slip my mind?” He gives his hyung yet another kiss, this time aiming for the lips and lingering for a second or two longer than strictly necessary.

Jongwoon’s “Yah, _watch it_ , brat!” comes out all muffled – what with Hyukjae’s tongue immediately using the opportunity to try and invade his mouth as soon as he opens it to speak.

“In all honesty, though,” continues the dongsaeng after his attack, the dull and delicious ache in his body giving him glorious flashbacks to their activities last night and making him voice his thoughts out loud, “however formidable that muscle man may be, I’m actually pretty sure he isn’t half as impressive in certain parts of the anatomy as you are.” He grins. “I’m very lucky.”

Although he gets a light smack on the butt for his cheekiness, he can still feel his hyung’s lips curl into a smile underneath his own. The older one mumbles something he doesn’t quite catch – something that deceptively sounds like _yours isn’t that bad, either_ – and Hyukjae chuckles, laying himself back down by Jongwoon’s side, arm around his chest.

“I had a good time yesterday,” he says softly, nose pressed against his hyung’s shoulder. “We haven’t had a cosy night in like that in a while. It was fun.”

“It really was,” Jongwoon nods, caressing Hyukjae’s forearm with his fingertips. “I’m grateful that we have enough work to keep us busy, but being apart from you sucks. I missed you a lot these last couple of days.”

“Yeah, I could tell from the way you latched onto me as soon as you stepped over the threshold, and refused to let go for the rest of the evening.”

“Ha, funny. Pray tell me, who was that person again who couldn’t even wait until the movie had finished before dragging me to the bedroom? I never got to find out who the actual mastermind behind the heist was in the end.”

“Pfft. I didn’t hear you complaining at the time.” Hyukjae’s smile turns into a smirk. “Although you did get pretty vocal at one point, if I remember correctly.”

“Aish.”

“You were lucky Kyu and Yongsun were out of the house. I don’t think they would’ve appreciated all that begging and moaning as much as I did.”

“ _Hyukj-a_ …” Jongwoon hides his face in his hands in embarrassment, a faint flush spreading over his cheeks, and the younger one _adores_ it.

_How is he supposed to resist teasing him, if it gets him looking like that?_

“Seriously, hyung, you were so-”

The rest of his sentence gets cut off as Jongwoon whacks him in the face with a pillow, and then pretends to smother him with it.

Hyukjae’s smile is wide and gummy and eyes positively shining when he appears again.

Jongwoon combs his fingers through his dongsaeng’s hair to bring it back to orderliness, gaze soft and warm.

“Brat,” he calls Hyukjae again, and the way he says it gives the word a whole another meaning, changing it into an endearment.

The following kiss is slow, sweet and full of feeling – easily amongst the best ones they’ve shared, almost rivalling their first one in its tenderness.

The kind of which Hyukjae wishes would never end.

They lose themselves in each other’s eyes for a good minute or so, after. Jongwoon’s hand is on the younger man’s cheek, thumb gently stroking his skin, and when it finds his mouth – leisurely tracing the shape and dragging against the full upper lip – something shifts in the air around them, and Hyukjae wraps his fingers around his hyung’s wrist and halts his movement.

He can feel Jongwoon’s attentive eyes on him as he closes his eyes and touches the pad of his thumb with the tip of his tongue – can hear his breath quickening as he kisses and licks his way up and down the digit a couple of times and then sucks it into his hot, wet mouth – and when he releases the finger with an obscene sound and looks at Jongwoon through his lashes again, he hopes that the implication of what he wants to do to his hyung is as clear as day.

Jongwoon’s eyes darken when he gets his meaning, something intense settling in their depths, and when Hyukjae lifts his chin a little and parts his lips, the tip of his tongue just about visible between his teeth, the older one has already anticipated his next move and meets him halfway.

The kiss Hyukjae receives is nothing like the earlier, sweet one.

This one is deep, sensual and ravenous, and the sheer force of it renders him momentarily powerless. When he’s freed some minutes later, he slumps back down on the bed like a rag doll: lips and whole body tingling, chest heaving, and slightly dizzy from the lack of oxygen.

He mumbles a feeble curse under his breath, knowing full well he sounds shocked – but it can’t be helped.

_That was one hell of a kiss._

He can feel a responding throb in his groin – slow, heavy, expectant.

_Truly, one hell of a kiss._

His hyung laughs, low and husky, and the muscles in Hyukjae’s abdomen tighten as the throbbing intensifies.

Rolling onto his side, he brings his hand to Jongwoon’s nape and hooks his leg over the man’s thighs – pulling their bodies closer together, pushing his hips forward against his hyung’s – and inhales sharply when warm skin suddenly meets warm skin and hardness touches hardness.

_Oh, fuck._

Jongwoon slips his hand underneath their shared duvet and takes them both in his hand, burying his face in his dongsaeng’s neck and licking over his Adam’s apple. When he moves his wrist, Hyukjae’s shaky “ _Hyung_ …” turns into a prolonged moan.

“How long have we got?” asks the older one, rushed and breathless.

“…What?” Hyukjae finds thinking a little difficult at the moment.

“How long have we got?” repeats Jongwoon, “What time are they going to be back today?”

_Right. Kyu and Yongsun. What time.. What time did they say again…?_

“Around midday, I think. Definitely not sooner than that.”

His hyung glances at the clock on the wall and smiles. “ _Brilliant_.”

He pushes Hyukjae onto his back and settles himself on his thighs, hand all the while working its magic and drawing throaty sounds from his partner.

“Wait, hyung” pants Hyukjae, “I wanted to… Hyung, I wanted to…”

_I wanted to suck you off._

“I know, babe. Don’t worry, we’ll get to that,” replies Jongwoon, reading his thoughts. “Just... _let me do this first_.”

And he lowers himself fully on top, letting go of them and supporting his weight on his arms so that Hyukjae doesn’t get crushed – and then he moves.

“ _Ah_...” Hyukjae’s head lolls back as he feels them rub and slide together in the narrow, tight space between their bodies, the sensitive heads occasionally coming to contact and making them both groan out loud. It’s both fantastic and not quite enough, and after a while, Hyukjae grows a little desperate and brings his hands to his hyung’s backside – thrusting upwards while pulling the other man down, begging him to grind on him harder.

Jongwoon satisfies a primal need to fill his senses with his lover’s taste by biting him lightly on the shoulder and then sucking on the same spot right after, and under him, Hyukjae moans again and shudders helplessly as hot ripples of pleasure travel along his body.

The sound makes Jongwoon twitch against his stomach, and the younger one looks down, mouth watering as he watches his hyung’s tip poke him under the navel and leave a bead of sticky fluid behind.

The sight is so arousing – everything about their foreplay and the man on top of him is so goddamn sexy – that Hyukjae’s starting to feel a bit crazed, mind hazy with lust.

He wants it.

He wants to feel that thickness stretching his mouth, to have that velvety underside resting on his tongue. He wants to tease the slit and trace the prominent vein beneath, all the way from the base to the tip. He wants to feel the blunt head hitting the back of his throat as he’s edging Jongwoon, again and again, until the man’s so gone that the hand supporting his head clenches into a fist in his hair, and they’re both seeing stars.

And more than anything else,

he needs, right now he needs his hyung to-

“ _Please, kiss me again_.”

Jongwoon does.

***

Some hours later,

for the first time in broad daylight and without trying to hide anything,

Hyukjae places his hand over Jongwoon’s on the dining table, meets his eyes once more for reassurance, takes a few deep, calming breaths and – as casually as he can – tells his flatmates the truth about their relationship.

He almost kills Yongsun.

Almost.

Luckily, Kyuhyun has quick reflexes and succeeds in dislodging the piece of meat – which their poor manager accidentally inhales upon hearing the revelation – from his windpipe with a swift and hard blow on his back, before it has a chance to travel any further.

While still coughing his lungs out, Yongsun manages to croak out his sincere congratulations, reassuring Jongwoon and Hyukjae of his alliance.

Kyuhyun looks absolutely _thrilled_.

With a huge smile on his face, he shakes his fist victoriously in the air. “ _Yesss_! This is great news. I’m so happy!”

“I’m glad you feel that way,” Jongwoon begins, relieved, “I was worried you might-”

“Oh no, it’s not _you_ I’m happy for! I mean, you two idiots together...?” Kyuhyun shakes his head. “ _Disaster_. I feel like I should offer my condolences instead of congratulations.” Their expressions must betray their confusion, because he grins and explains further. “I’m happy, because Teukkie-hyung now owes me 100 000 won.” He chuckles and rubs his hands together in glee. “I can’t wait to tell him!”

“Actually, he already knows-”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Jongwoon interrupts his partner and frowns at the maknae. “ _What do you mean_ he owes you 100 000 won?”

Ignoring the question, Kyuhyun turns to his flatmate. “Teukkie-hyung already knows?”

“ _Kyu_ ,” warns Jongwoon, glaring at him. “Are you telling me you two had a bet on whether Hyukjae and I are going to get together or not?!” He sounds offended.

“…No?”

“But you just said-”

“ _Not_ on whether or not. _When_.” He looks pleased with himself. “We placed the wager in November and I said it was going to happen before June, but hyung thought it’d take you another year. Ha, what a fool!”

Jongwoon stares at their youngest for a moment, speechless. Then he gets up and takes a threatening step towards him. “Move aside, Hyukjae, I’m going to smack him.”

Laughing, Kyuhyun escapes from the table – taunting Jongwoon from the other side of the kitchen counter while Hyukjae hangs onto his boyfriend’s arm, pulling him back down to his seat to stop him from going after.

Yongsun, still in the process of trying to recover from his near death experience, takes a careful sip of water and coughs a little more.

When the minor altercation is over and they’ve all sat back down to the lunch Kyuhyun’s prepared for them, the maknae – _rather foolhardily_ , thinks Hyukjae, _considering how Jongwoon’s eyes keep shooting daggers at him over the table_ – returns to the topic at hand.

“But seriously hyungie… How long has this been going on? When did you get together?”

“On New Year’s Eve.”

“Ah. In Taiwan?”

They confirm.

“You sly dogs. And when did Teukkie-hyung find out?”

“End of January.”

Kyuhyun huffs. “I can’t believe him! He’s known all this time, and he hasn’t paid me a single won?!”

 _Yup_ , thinks Hyukjae again, patting Jongwoon’s arm in a calming manner and grabbing his sleeve (just in case), _this maknae has a death wish_.

“Kyuhyun-ah,” says Jongwoon, voice overly sweet, “If you don’t stop talking about that bet, I will end you.”

The youngest one chuckles. As ever, he’s completely unbothered. “Noted, hyung.”

Yongsun steers the discussion to a new direction. “Well, at least we can now stop speculating why Eunhyuk has been so secretive at times.”

“Right,” agrees Kyuhyun. “Coming and going at odd hours without any explanation... Dodging all our questions about why he’s been holing up in his room, smiling stupidly at his phone and having hushed phone calls… Hyung, did you really think we’d believe all that bullshit about the messages and calls being from your family? Nobody gets _that_ excited when their eomma texts them.”

Jongwoon looks delighted. “Aww. You get happy when I message you?”

“Nope,” Hyukjae denies, embarrassed, “They’re lying.”

 _He does_ , the other two mouth silently.

Hyung beams.

***

However convincing Kyuhyun thinks he is at pretending to be totally indifferent to the news of his two favourite hyungs being together, the way he hugs them both tightly later on as he’s heading out to another meeting, tells Hyukjae and Jongwoon everything they need to know about his true feelings on the matter.

***

Just as the bleakness of winter begins to give way to longer and brighter days, heralding the arrival of a new spring, a virus outbreak brings the whole world to its knees.

Everything comes to a standstill.

The rest of the Super Show tour gets cancelled and all official activities postponed to the foreseeable future, and suddenly they all find themselves with a lot of extra time in their hands – but due to restricted travel, not that many places to go and spend it.

The good thing is, Hyukjae now has the chance to stay with his family more often, and hang out with one of the most important people in his life: his older sister.

It’s during one of those visits – while their parents are out on some errands and it’s just the two of them in the house – that he decides to confide in her.

The opportunity presents itself as they’re relaxing in the living room after a nice, long walk. Sora’s reading a novel, curled cosily up on a sofa with a steaming mug of tea on a small table next to her, and Hyukjae sneaks a few nervous glances her way before finally daring to open his mouth.

“Noona.”

“Hmm?” She doesn’t raise her eyes from the text, too engrossed in the story.

Not really knowing how to even begin, Hyukjae fidgets on the spot, praying his courage won’t fail him now.

His sister peeks at him from behind her book, interest piqued by the uncharacteristic silence.

“Yes, Hyukjae? What is it?”

Inhale. Exhale.

_Here goes nothing._

“You know how you sometimes ask me if I’m seeing anyone?”

“Uh-huh.”

“What if… What if I told you I’m actually in love with someone?”

She looks at him – sitting cross-legged on the floor with one of their family dogs on his lap – and flashes him a quick, warm smile.

“I’d be very pleased, of course.”

“Even…” Hyukjae swallows and hesitates, “even if that person was _a man?_ ” He realises his hands are shaking badly, and he hides them in Bori’s fur.

Sora freezes. After a few seconds, she closes her book quietly, sits up straight and turns to face him.

For a moment, neither of them speaks.

Hyukjae stares at the floor, too nervous to meet her eyes.

“Dongsaeng,” says his sister eventually, her tone gentle. “You’re in love with a man?”

It feels like there’s something stuck inside his throat, rendering him unable to speak, and so he just nods.

Sora copies the gesture, nodding slowly. “Okay.” She pauses. “Is it Yesung?”

Hyukjae’s head snaps up. He stares at his sibling, mouth opening and closing a few times before any sound comes out.

“ _How- how did you_ -”

She shrugs. “I’m your noona. Noonas know things.” She smiles at him, a fond look in her eyes. “Close your mouth, dongsaeng, or something’s going to fly in.”

Hyukjae does as he’s told, but he can’t stop gawking at her in shock.

“I’m not blind, you know,” she continues, “I’ve seen how you behave around him, I could tell something was going on. Does he reciprocate your feelings?”

“Erm, yes,” answers Hyukjae, taken aback by her unaffected, laid-back manner. “Yes, he does.”

“And… you two are dating?”

Hyukjae nods again. “Have been for a few of months now, actually.”

“Oh.” Sora seems to be piecing some things together in her mind. “That makes sense.” She grins. “Explains a few things, too.”

“Sorry?”

“Never you mind. So... it’s serious, then?”

“As serious as it gets. What, you think I’d risk everything for a casual fling with a guy? And a fellow member, no less?!”

“No, I wasn’t suggesting you would. I was just making sure I understood you correctly.” She tilts her head, regarding him curiously. “Why didn’t you bring Yesung with you?”

“ _Here?_ Without telling you guys first? _Are you mad?_ ”

Sora chuckles. “He’s been here before, hasn’t he? And I don’t think anybody in this family would’ve been that surprised if he came, to be honest.”

“Yeah, but not as my- Wait, what?”

“Well, it’s not like we haven’t already discussed it.”

Hyukjae stares. “You… and eomma… and appa have talked about this?”

“Couple of times over the years, yeah.”

“ _You knew_ I wasn’t straight?”

“Suspected.”

“But… Yesung? How-”

“I think it was eomma who first brought up the possibility of you maybe liking him more than just as a friend.”

“ _Holy fu_ -”

“Don’t curse, Hyukjae!”

“… _uuudge_.”

They fall silent again.

Sora puts her book away and gets up from the sofa, coming to kneel before him.

“Listen, dongsaeng,” she says seriously, placing her hand on his cheek. “Lately, I’ve had this feeling that something might be bothering you... And I’ve been wondering whether I should say something myself. You haven’t been quite your normal self around us – you haven’t allowed yourself to be completely at ease at any time, and that has worried me.” She smiles. “So I’m really, really glad you were able to open up to me now.”

“Me, too,” replies Hyukjae. “It felt good to tell you. I’m… I’m relieved. I was scared you wouldn’t take it well.” He averts his eyes. “Or that you’d hate me.”

Sora shakes her head. “I could _never_ hate you, silly. You’re my baby brother! And when have I ever given any indication that I wouldn’t accept people as they are?” She looks a little insulted. “Come on, you know me better than that.”

“Yeah, but-”

”I’ll always love you, no matter what. _Always_.” She kisses him on the forehead. “And I’m happy for you, truly. Yesung’s a lovely man – he has a good heart. You’ve chosen well.”

“I don’t think it was a conscious choice, to be honest,” mutters Hyukjae, “Before I’d even fully understood what was happening, he’d already settled himself in my heart and then I just… couldn’t stop loving him.”

Sora eyes him carefully. “That makes it sound like you tried to.”

“I did.” To his own surprise, Hyukjae suddenly finds himself tearing up – painful memories of the past resurfacing at the confession, suffocating him. And with a force that leaves his chest aching, the realization finally hits him:

How differently things could’ve ended for him and Jongwoon, had they kept denying their feelings – How lucky they really are to be where they’re now – How far they’ve come.

He looks at his sister, eyes full of regret for his old mistakes. “I did. _So many times_.”

She pulls him into her arms. Bori barks and slips away from his lap, offended at being squashed like that.

Sora holds Hyukjae tightly and pets his hair while he cries – and when he finally draws back, wiping his eyes and nose with his sleeve, she keeps holding onto his shoulders, stroking him soothingly with her thumbs.

“It hasn’t been an easy journey for you two, has it?” she asks empathetically.

“Oh, you’ve no idea. All the things I’ve put that man through – all that denial, uncertainty and wasted time…” His bottom lip trembles. “And yet, _he still loves me_. Despite it all. I know I don’t deserve him, Sora, but I’m so, so grateful to have him. I’m grateful he didn’t give up on me.”

She smiles softly. “I’m sure he feels the same way about you.”

“So he claims.” Hyukjae’s nose is red and smile watery, but the sigh he lets out is a happy one. “I love him, noona. _So much_.”

Sora hugs him again.

For a while, Hyukjae just clings onto her, fingers clutching her blouse, comforted by her warmth.

“Do you think appa and eomma will be okay with it, too?” He mumbles it against her shoulder, not fully succeeding at keeping anxiety out of his voice.

She pulls back a bit to meet his eyes.

“They’ll be fine... If not right away, then eventually. Like I said, they already have an inkling.” She touches his cheek. “They might be slightly disappointed to learn that their dream of having a dozen or so small Hyukjaes running about is now unlikely to come true, but trust me – they’ll come around.”

Hyukjae gives a short laugh. “That was the main concern for Yesung’s parents, too. Well – not my kids, obviously. His.”

“Oh? You’ve told them?”

“Yeah. Yesung doesn’t like to conceal anything from his family, so he told them pretty early on. Jongjin knew even before it was official. He kind of helped us to get together, actually… And he’s been our most supportive ally ever since.” The thought makes him smile fondly. “It was almost impossible not to tell them, seeing as Yesung is living with them. They would’ve figured it out soon anyway.”

“How did it go..? Telling his parents?”

Hyukjae snorts. “I was very nervous. I thought I might get banished from their house for all eternity, but Yesung reassured me it was going to be fine – and he was right. All they said was ‘we know our son’, ‘welcome to the family’ and ‘if you ever want to stay overnight, that’s fine by us’, and that was pretty much it. Quite anticlimactic, really.”

They both giggle.

“I’m afraid the task of providing both sets of our parents with grandchildren now falls on you and Jongjin,” Hyukjae teases jokingly. An idea pops into his head, making him smirk. “Actually… Now that I think about it, _you and him_ -”

“Don’t even go there!” She slaps him on the arm.

“Why not? Jongjin’s nice!” His sister rolls her eyes. “And handsome.”

She groans.

“Of course, your babies wouldn’t be quite as beautiful as mine and Yesung’s, were we capable of reproducing, but-”

“ _I swear, Lee Hyukjae_ -”

“Okay, okay!” he laughs, holding his hands up in a placating gesture. Gradually, he grows solemn again.

“I think I might tell eomma and appa tonight. What do you think?”

Sora smiles encouragingly. “If you feel like now is the right time and you’re mentally ready… Do it.”

She gets up from the floor, shaking the pins and needles out of her legs. Meaning to return to her book, she takes a step away – but Hyukjae stops her.

Taking his noona’s hand, he gazes up at her pleadingly.

“Could you be there, when I tell them?”

She ruffles his hair. “You betcha.”

***

It’s nearly midnight when Hyukjae finally says goodbye to his family, hops into his leased car and heads back home.

On the way, he stops at a gas station to fill up on fuel, and sees his phone screen light up with a notification. Realising he hasn’t checked his phone for over half an hour, he opens the messaging app to find two of his chats with new messages.

He reads his mother’s texts first.

> 23:37 /Eomeoni<3/  
>  Appa and I just wanted to tell you once more that we love you very, very much.  
>  All we want is your happiness, and if your happiness is him… You have our support.

> 23:40 /Eomeoni<3/  
>  Drive safely and let me know when you get home. You know how I’ll worry otherwise.

> 23:41 /Eomeoni<3/  
>  Remember to put the mandus in the freezer as soon as you get there! Don’t let them thaw or you’ll have to eat them all right away!!!

Blinking away tears (he’s already cried enough for one day, so no more of that, thank you very much), Hyukjae opens the second chat showing the ‘unread messages’ icon.

> 22:58 /Aesongie/  
>  Proud of ya ❤️  
>  I’m glad they took it so well. U must be relieved 🤗

> 23:31 /Aesongie/  
>  IDK what time ur getting back but if ur still on the road…  
>  I did some admin at the café and promised Jongjin I’d lock up today  
>  So I’m at Armoire by myself  
>  Wanna take a lil detour and pop over for some smooches and leftover strawberry cake?  
>  I know it’s late, but I promise I’ll make it worth ur while 😘

Smile stretching from ear to ear, Hyukjae types him a quick reply.

> On my way!

Jongwoon sends him a thumbs up (and a GIF of a very excited Kermit the Frog) in return.

As he starts the car again, Hyukjae glances apologetically at the insulated grocery bag on the passenger seat.

_Eomma dearest,_

_I know those mandus were supposed to last me a month but I’m afraid me, Kyu and Yongsun will have to have them for breakfast, lunch and dinner tomorrow, as they for sure will get thawed now._

_In a conflict of priorities, Aesongie wins over dumplings any day._

***

Aesongie, it turns out, wins over many (if not most) things.

On the set of SJ Returns at the end of March, it’s good food, light booze and the enjoyable company of both his members and the filming crew that Hyukjae abandons in favour of spending some alone time with his boyfriend.

As he’s stuffing his mouth with grilled pork and rice, he suddenly gets an odd, restless feeling – one that usually comes over him when his subconscious registers the absence of a certain individual – and he looks up from his plate to scan the people on the patio, trying to locate a pair of beloved dark eyes and a warm smile above a blue and white neckerchief.

They’re nowhere to be found.

Putting down his chopsticks, Hyukjae leaves the jovially chattering flock behind and slips quietly inside the empty holiday villa, all the noise of merrymaking disappearing almost entirely when he shuts the door.

He wanders past the darkened indoor swimming pool, crosses the living area and peeks into different bedrooms – and eventually finds what he’s looking for in one of the smaller rooms at the back of the house.

“Ah, there you are.”

Jongwoon’s sitting on a small sofa bed with his legs drawn up, scrolling away on his phone, and his boyfriend’s voice makes him glance up and smile brightly.

“Hyojjae! What brings you here?”

“You,” answers Hyukjae, stepping in. “I noticed you’d vanished somewhere, and I thought I’d come and find you.”

“ _Aww_.”

He holds out his hand and Hyukjae takes it, allowing himself to be pulled closer. Before he can sit down, however, Jongwoon has a thought. “Wait. Could you take my picture?”

“Certainly, my love. Anything for you.”

The older one makes a face at his jesting tone and hands over his phone.

“So is this what you’ve been doing here all alone – taking selcas?” Hyukjae teases, watching Jongwoon through the screen.

“No, I’ve been taking pics of the villa. There are some nice features here.” He narrows his eyes. “What are you doing?”

“What do you mean? I’m not doing anything.”

Apparently, trying to lie while grinning like the Cheshire Cat isn’t very convincing. “You’re clearly zooming in on something you’re not supposed to. Stop it.”

The younger one laughs, caught red-handed, and zooms back out. _Shame_. He was just about to get a very artful shot of Jongwoon’s left nostril.

The pictures come out very pretty, and Hyukjae compliments them (and their subject) aloud, too. His boyfriend smiles and pats the cushion next to him. “Shall we take one together?”

One turns into six, as per usual, but Hyukjae doesn’t complain. The photos are nice and atmospheric – just the two of them in their own little bubble, undisturbed – and when Jongwoon asks if he can post some of them on SNS later, he happily gives his permission.

He nestles up into his hyung’s side once they’re done, laying his head on his shoulder and wrapping his arms around his waist. Jongwoon brushes the bangs out of the way, cups his face with one hand and kisses him on the temple, making Hyukjae close his eyes and let out a little contented sigh.

He buries his face against Jongwoon’s collar while Jongwoon buries his in his hair, and then they just sit there – breathing each other in.

Eventually, the older one’s low chuckle breaks the silence.

“What was all that about, earlier?”

“Eh?” Hyukjae stays put, too busy sniffing the other man’s scent.

“Your behaviour today,” clarifies Jongwoon. “You seemed jealous.”

The dongsaeng lifts his head and grins awkwardly. “Oh, _that_.”

“Yeah. And you didn’t exactly bother to disguise it.” He frowns. “Were you actually jealous, or was it just an act?”

“Erm,” Hyukjae wriggles. “I mean…”

“Because you know there’s no reason to be, right? I have eyes only for you.”

“Perhaps, but Kyu seemed to be enjoying being coupled up with you just _a liiiittle_ too much for my liking.”

Jongwoon looks amused. “Is that why you came to check up on us repeatedly?”

_Well._

Hyukjae can’t really deny that. After all, it _was_ his jealousy that drove him to the Kkuru-Yesex room more than once to make sure nothing too saucy was happening there, and also made him follow their every move with envious eyes – feeling a painful jab in his heart every time they shared a sweet moment.

“Kyu,” says Jongwoon, sensing his boyfriend’s inner struggle, “was just teasing us. Especially you, after he noticed your obvious jealousy. That mischievous rascal was provoking you deliberately.” He pokes Hyukjae’s philtrum. “You really made yourself an easy target for him, love.”

“Uh…” _Okay, he may have a point_. Still: “I just don’t like the idea of you and anyone else playing a couple... and not only because we belong to each other.” He meets the older man’s eye. “Seeing you with Kyuhyun today reminded me of our own episode of We Lived Together. The experiences we had and the memories we made back then are very precious to me,” he confesses quietly, ears turning pink. “It was something special, and I don’t want to share that with anyone.”

Jongwoon blinks.

It’s not often that Hyukjae feels comfortable enough to share his innermost sentiments, particularly of the romantic kind (he fears he’ll sound too cheesy or corny if he voices them out loud, and therefore prefers to show his attachment through actions rather than words), so on the rare occasion it happens, his hyung always seems a tad surprised.

This time is no exception. Hyukjae doesn’t want to look away, but he’s starting to feel a bit self-conscious under Jongwoon’s wide-eyed stare.

Finally, the man snaps out of his trance. Slowly, he brings his hand up to Hyukjae’s face, tilting it gently towards himself. The younger one holds his breath as he watches his hyung glance between his eyes and mouth, thumb caressing the point of his chin.

_“Oh, baby.”_

Jongwoon’s voice is soft when he utters the endearment – and his lips, when they close over his dongsaeng’s, are even softer.

The kiss is leisurely, explorative and deeply satisfying, and although at some point during it, Hyukjae climbs onto Jongwoon’s lap and straddles him for better access, it mostly still stays on the tender, affectionate side: no ulterior sexual motive behind it other than the two of them simply enjoying this small, stolen moment of intimacy.

When Hyukjae opens his eyes again, his hyung’s face is still mere centimetres away from his.

“ _I love you_ ,” he whispers, his lips lightly touching Jongwoon’s.

“ _I love you, too_ ,” answers the boyfriend and kisses the corner of his mouth, catching his plump bottom lip between his own right after.

They remain in each other’s embrace for a long time – dongsaeng’s arms around his hyung’s neck, hyung’s around his dongsaeng’s waist – until a jumble of mixed voices and laughter from somewhere in the house alerts them to the presence of other people.

Releasing Jongwoon with a sigh, Hyukjae clambers off his lap and reclaims his spot on the sofa again, maintaining a respectable distance to his lover in case someone should chance upon them.

And sure enough…

“ _Yesung-aaa?_ ”

“Over here!”

Leeteuk appears in the doorway. “Oh, you’re both here. Yesung, the crew’s looking for you. They’re about to film us couples getting ready for bed.”

“All right, I’m coming.”

“You’re also needed, Master-nim.”

“Okey-dokey.”

“Let’s not keep them waiting,” Leeteuk urges them as they make no move to get up. “What were you two doing here anyway?” As he says that, he gives them a quick once-over, taking in their slightly flushed appearances, carefully arranged postures and unmistakeably guilty faces. He snorts. “Forget I asked. I think it’s obvious enough. Come along now, children!”

Behind his retreating back, Hyukjae steals one more quick peck from his hyung before following their leader to the living room.

Jongwoon touches his lips and supresses a smile, shaking his head at his boyfriend’s boldness.

***

“It’s starting to become noticeable, you know,” says Jongwoon one fine spring evening, as he walks from the kitchen to the living room and drops a carton of strawberry milk (which his mother now purchases specifically with his partner’s visits in mind) on Hyukjae’s chest.

The latter – sprawled on the couch – catches the carton mid-air. “What is?” he asks somewhat distractedly, immersed in the scene unfolding on the TV screen in front of him.

His hyung slumps down next to him, turning on his side. He watches Hyukjae poke the straw through the hole in the carton, the corners of his mouth lifting up at the cute sight of his boyfriend hollowing his cheeks and sucking the drink out in almost one go – like a famished mosquito.

“Your favouritism,” he clarifies. “You’re being far too nice to me in public. Careful, or one of these days people will get fooled into thinking you actually like me.”

“Hyung,” protests Hyukjae, gargling a little due to the liquid in his mouth. “I’ve always been nice to you.”

“Nice-ish.”

“Yah!” He pinches Jongwoon’s thigh, making him yelp and chuckle.

“ _See?!_ Not nice to me at all!”

Hyukjae feigns innocence. “Only when provoked, darling, only when provoked.”

“So we’re conveniently forgetting the fact that you also keep mocking me and my voice every chance you get – very much unprovoked, in my biased opinion?”

“That’s me vying for your attention because I find you irresistible, and you know that.” Hyukjae pokes him in the ribs.

“Ow,” Jongwoon rubs his side. “This is domestic violence.”

“Says the man who knocked my head against a cupboard door today.”

“ _By accident!_ I didn’t notice it was ajar when I lifted you on the countertop.” He grins. “No more pashing in the kitchen for us.”

“Let’s not make any hasty decisions here,” objects Hyukjae. “I’m quite willing to give pashing – or better still, something more – in the kitchen another try. Even if it comes with a high risk of sustaining a head injury.”

He wiggles his eyebrows, and Jongwoon laughs. “Be glad that my family is out. Eomma would be scandalized to learn you’re planning on shagging her son all over her pristine dining table.”

He sneaks his arm around Hyukjae’s waist, shuffling closer.

“But for real, Hyojjae,” he continues, returning to the original topic, “You’ve become more relaxed about showing your love towards me in public, and I want you to know that I appreciate it.” His eyes smile at the dongsaeng. “The other day, when you picked me to be your partner in that word game at Shindong’s housewarming… It was rather unexpected and honestly, I was a little touched.” He tightens his hold. “You being attentive to me is nothing new, I know – but lately, you’ve been more openly so, and it means a lot.”

The acknowledgement makes Hyukjae blush a little. “It’s nothing, hyung.”

“No, Hyukjae. It’s everything.” He leans over to plant a kiss on his cheek. “I've also noticed how you sometimes randomly bring up these things about me and my career that everyone else’s already forgotten. How the heck do you remember all those little details about me?”

_Because ever since I first laid eyes on you, I haven’t been able to stop paying you attention and committing every single thing about you in my memory._

Hyukjae doesn’t verbalize the thought. Instead, he covers his tender feelings with a joke.

“What can I say?” he sniffs, trying to appear modest. “I’m the perfect boyfriend.”

Jongwoon chuckles at his act, eyes crinkling at the corners. “You’re an obsessed stalker, that’s what you are.”

“But I’m _your_ obsessed stalker.”

“That’s not a phrase – _woah!_ ”

Swept up by a sudden, strong rush of affection, Hyukjae takes his hyung by surprise by pouncing on him, wrapping his limbs around his body and cooing in his ear. Despite his perfunctory attempts to shake the dongsaeng off, Jongwoon can’t help but laugh when Hyukjae puckers his lips and starts attacking him with loud, moist kisses.

“Get oofff!”

Jongwoon’s order falls on deaf ears.

“Hyukj-a, I’m warning you!”

The threat has no effect whatsoever, and the older one gives up. Flopping onto his back, he envelops his dongsaeng in a hug and succumbs to his amorous advances, muttering under his breath.

“You are a nuisance, Lee Hyukjae.”

“But I’m _your_ nuisance.”

“That’s definitely not a phrase, either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration:
> 
> SJ Returns 4 episodes 1-3, including Behind Fanships (I'll link the first part of each ep only. Since all of them are on a playlist, you're automatically directed to the next one.)  
> Apart from the usual Yehyuk moments (teasing, discreet glances and touches, smiles, occasional full on staring... 😜) there are many other instances in these episodes that caught my attention. I've listed some of them below (because I simply don't have time to point out them all! 😅)
> 
> EP1:  
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/190834  
> EP1 Behind:  
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/191272  
> • Yesung once again waiting for Hyukjae at the salon. (They've mentioned this a couple of times before and it seems to be a regular occurrence, just like them sharing a car.)  
> • Hyuk looking at Yesung seriously when his movie story got interrupted, and the way he drew attention to the fact that Yesung wasn't actually done yet.  
> (As much as he himself teases Yesung in a similar way, he seems to get a little unhappy if somebody else interrupts the man, and often tries to make sure Yesung's allowed to finish his talk. Here's a small example: https://twitter.com/CloudintheM/status/1361421735237615617?s=19  
> During this interview, Leeteuk wouldn't let Yesung speak and kept referring the questions to the other guys as a joke. In the end, Hyukjae got so frustrated that when Leeteuk asked him a question, he passed it directly on to Yesung so that he would have a chance to talk.)  
> • Hyukjae not wanting to let go of Yesung's hand after a handshake.  
> • Hyukjae being curious about compatibility, and listening attentively as the doc talked about how Yesung makes an effort for him and how opposite characters can sometimes be a perfect match.
> 
> EP2:  
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/198266  
> EP2 Behind:  
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/198152  
> • Yesung enquiring after Hyuk after the couples were revealed.  
> • Yehyuk being drawn together as soon as they arrived to the restaurant.  
> (This is very, very Yehyuk... They seem to gravitate towards one another without exceptions.)  
> • That confident butt touch during Twister. 🤭  
> • Kyuhyun confirming that calling Yesung Aesong is Hyukjae's thing.  
> • Hyuk trotting over to the Kkuru-Yesex room like some jealous boyfriend when the topic turned to Yesex and kissing.  
> (His expression as he said that "you two" thing seemed sincere, and the fact that Yesung tried to reassure him right after "...it's not like that..." was very telling to me.)  
> • Yehyuk getting kinda shy and being unable to meet each other's eyes properly every time Hyukjae came to the Kkuru-Yesex room.  
> • Kyu teasing them both for being too hung up on each other and trying to provoke a reaction out of Hyukjae with 'Yesex'.  
> • Yesung feeding Hyukjae. 🥺  
> • Hyuk more or less confessing his jealousy twice.  
> • Yesung agreeing to try the kimchi pancake as soon as he heard Hyukjae had cooked it himself.
> 
> Also, Yehyuk sneaked off to somewhere private before/during/after the BBQ party, and left photo evidence:  
> https://twitter.com/CloudintheM/status/1362132620742709253?s=19  
> (If you want to know why I believe they were in a secluded part of the house, feel free to DM me and ask. 😉)
> 
> EP3:  
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/203225  
> EP3 Behind:  
> https://www.vlive.tv/video/203078  
> • Hyuk remembering KRY's first song before KRY members themselves, and pointing out how Yesung sings 'jjeo' (details...).  
> • Hyukjae smiling to himself after making Yesung laugh with his joke about Kyu never growing up.  
> (It often takes him a while to stop smiling after he's managed to make Yesung laugh, and I find that really, really cute 🥺)  
> • Hyukjae knew Yesung's housewarming gift was holy water before Yesung had explained it. The brand also happens to match the products he's looking at here:  
> https://twitter.com/CloudintheM/status/1363636878348587017?s=19  
> (The brand thing could be purely incidental, though: This pic was taken in Spain, and Yesung said he bought the gift in Italy. Also, Hyukjae uses body lotion from the same brand.)  
> • The oven mitt Hyukjae bought for Shindong fitting Yesung's small hand perfectly. What Cinderella AU is this? 😂  
> • The sweet hand holding as Hyukjae kneeled by Yesung's feet.  
> • Hyukjae pretending to be considering his options while picking a partner for the word game... But as soon as he stood up, you could see he'd already chosen Yesung.  
> (I also love how they've kept slyly pairing themselves up in some of the later episodes, too. 😏)  
> 


End file.
